Day 100 – In these rooms we will find each other…


It’s been an amazing couple of weeks.  I’m sure every addict early in recovery eventually reaches the point where they meet someone “in the rooms” who they used to know in active addiction.  (In the rooms is an expression to indicate someone in recovery, attending self-help groups, in treatment…basically, getting the help they need.)  In the past couple of weeks, I’ve found three people from my past in some stage of recovery or ready to try recovery.  It’s a pretty powerful experience for me to see that “from the other side.” 

Connection #1: One friend is…I’ll be honest…right on the fence. When he first talked to me, he had 20 days of clean time. As I listened to him tell his story, there was still a lot of “I” and “control” and “for now.”  For now, I choose not to drink. For now, I choose not to drug. But, you know, there may be a point where I can get it back under control.  I say this not in a judging manner at all because I’ve been there, but he doesn’t understand it yet. But, I listened…I asked open ended questions without hidden expectations…I didn’t judge…I didn’t lecture him.  I know what that felt like to me when others lectured me, or told me what to do, or “scared me” into getting help. It just pushed me away from those people. So I listened and I pray for him. My guess is he won’t make it to 30 days.  I pray he will and I pray at some point, at only 31 years old, that he will see the truth in recovery, the hope in recovery…and make differenct choices.

Connection #2: Then, I got a call from a friend the other day who I believe has been a dry drunk quite honestly for the past several months. He has been white knuckling it and not drugging for 6-9 months. But, again not judging or saying what is right for anyone, he has been struggling with the real problem — life.  He is still bitter at the world and his circumstances.  He has been very proud of himself because he managed to not drink or use for so long…this time.  I’ve been there.  I’ve tried to stop myself.  We’ve all been there at some point thinking we could do this on our own.  We can’t.

He shared with me that he recently slipped and used again. I actually say use again, not relapsed, because one of the things I learned in treatment is you can’t relapse if you’ve never been in recovery! Recovery means healing and work in all areas – physical (i.e. the drinking or drugging) as well as the spiritual and mental aspects of our disease. It doesn’t prescribe how one works a program of recovery — self help groups, treatment, personal spiritial journey, etc.  But, as a dry drunk, as a white-knuckler who on his own strength and willpower is simply getting by without drinking or drugging…it’s not a relapse.

Of course, it’s not for me to say if someone is an addict or not, if someone is working a program or not. My #1 goal is to stay sober and in recovery – and that’s my program…not someone else’s.  I’m just grateful that he came asking for help, asking to try something different. I embraced him and am equally ecstatic for him as my first friend because he is ready to make some different choices.

It was funny – I told him that I knew this was going to happen. He looked at me and asked, “how did you know?”  I replied, “because from what I could see, I believe you were white knuckling it. You even used the words tonight – you thought you had this under control. If there is one thing I’ve learned since that night in December is I can’t do this. I tried – I even got to the point where I stopped trying to stop. It’s not because of my will power or my strength.  And it’s not because of my weakness that I either stay sober or relapse. It is simply because of the grace of my Higher Power, the strength I find in self-help groups and my program, and the fellowship of another addict in recovery.”

What an amazing chain of events.  My second friend has started to see the truth in recovery, the hope in recovery…he’s looking for different answers. May he find the strength in his Higher Power to continue to make different choices…

Connection #3: Then last Friday, I was sitting in a meeting. We had already started; people were reading some of the introductory texts. A guy walked in and sat down next to me. I looked over and did a double-take…but told myself No, impossible…couldn’t be.  Then we sat for a couple seconds and he looked over at me.  All of a sudden, he bursted out, called out my name and gave me a huge bear hug. We embraced for what seemed like the entire hour. It was a deep, heartfelt hug. On my part, it was of surprise, of joy, of hope…because the man sitting next to me…the man wrapping his arms around me and giving me a hug of life…was my former drug dealer. This was the guy from whom I bought my weekly stash of meth all of 2009 and most of 2008! The last time I bought from him…$400 worth…over twice my normal amount…was the weekend I hit bottom and found recovery. I never once expected to see him in the rooms. He always struck me as a decent guy – apart from dealing, someone I would have hung out with at a bar-b-que or had over to hang out with friends. But I knew how deep he was into his addiction. Yet, clearly, his Higher Power had been working in his life. I was overjoyed!

The entire meeting, we kept catching each other out of the corner of our eyes…and smiling…and slapping each other on the leg, acknowledging the amazement and joy we were both experiencing. I tried to pay attention during the meeting, yet kept wandering…I was overwhelmed with joy, and disbelief, and amazement, and belief, and gratitude — all mixed up in this confusing jumbled mess.

We talked a little and agreed to catch up. There were five other people in the room that night for whom this was their prior dealer…he shared that with me without breaking their anonymity. I started thinking…it would be very easy to be angry, scared, confused, resentful.  I could see not wanting him around because the situation could be uncomfortable…could bring back too many memories. But, by the grace of God, I’m at a different place. I was so overjoyed that here, another child of God, another broken soul, another person with that gaping whole in his heart, his soul, his being. We had all tried to fill that with drugs, and alcohol and other escapes. And, here he was…and like the prodigal son, you know, what a great joy to have him back. I’m just so thankful. We’ve all earned our right to be in these rooms.

I look back on these two weeks and am overwhelmed with joy. I’m still a newcomer.  I’m still in my first year of recovery. I still have a LOT to learn.  It’s like I’ve said – I’m learning my ABC’s and 123’s all over again.  There are still days where I’m blown away by the experiences, learning and growth.  But I’m so thankful that I’m able to be there and see other people — not just newcomers but people that I knew in active addiction — who have found this great new life.  Some will make it, some won’t…some are there, some aren’t quite there…  But these are the still suffering addicts for whom we pray on a regular basis. I’m thankful someone somewhere, sometime prayed for me…

Day 99 – Is it live or is it Memorex?


Ok – having just dated myself back to cassette tapes and recorders with my tag line…


I had a using dream last night…the first in a long time. And, I believe this was the first that was so real that I woke up thinking it was real!  In my dream, I told myself “come on…you’ve got over 90 days…do you really want to blow this?”  And I did – I took some crystal meth and relapsed.  Then I woke up and was scared.  For mere seconds, I was confused enough to think it had all happened.  I had been told this could happen – but don’t believe I’ve experienced it this strongly.  Fortunately, it was not live…it was Memorex!

So then the question behind the question… Why?  Like a good engineering or quality root cause analysis, you ask 5 times…why? why? why? why? why?  Well, simply put — I’m under a lot of stress and change.  I just applied for the first 3 jobs since being unemployed.  I’m within a day of putting my home on the market, which marks another loss and change in my life.  I am unemployed.  My court date for April was pushed out a month.  I leave in 2 days for my sister’s in PA to visit my nephews and niece who were out of my life for 2 years because I chose to drug over being with family.  And some other events I’ll be writing about there shortly from the rooms.  Any one of these would have been more than enough reason to use in the past – to escape, to numb.  And though I’m still clean and sober, my body is used to that “routine” – used to the “usual path” – and since the physical reality didn’t follow, my disease decided to throw in a little mental reality just for fun.  That’s what it does — f*&ks with my mind.  And it works!

But thankfully, just for today – I don’t have to use or drink to get through life.  I can lose a job, a house, a relationship, go to jail and have my car need $700 in repairs…and do it all on life’s terms.  I heard recently…”we can walk over boulders but stub our toe on the pebbles.”  Sometimes it’s the little things in life that demand the most vigilance – turning them over to my Higher Power – Letting Go and Letting God. So, yes, even heading down I-70 the WRONG direction (even with my GPS on) could have sent me over the edge…but it doesn’t.  Just for today…

My pillow awaits…by the grace of God, I made it through this day.  What a miracle of life.

Day 94 – E-Diaries, Exposure & Ego


I gained some pretty deep insight today. My recent blog on the stigma of addiction and some current events in my own life got me thinking and meditating.  Usually things “percolate” for a couple days and I start to understand what I’m to learn.  Here goes…

When I started this blog, I wanted it to be totally anonymous — no name, no connections, no sending this to friends, no links. My initial reasoning was to keep this focused on recovery & telling stories, not me and my ego.  First pebble…e-diaries (blogging).

As things evolved, I shared this with a couple close friends in recovery…and then briefly put a link on my Facebook.  So much for anonymity.  Why?  Part of this journey is about re-discovering myself. Yes, it’s a journal to look back on and a way to share stories. But in writing, like in verbalizing thoughts, ideas become real. I get to “try them on for size” — shape them, reflect and connect. I find it to be a helpful part of my spiritual journey. As ideas take shape, I believe my Higher Power uses the words on paper or shared in conversation to breath life into my recovery and give me the guidance I seek. In one sense, it’s like action — writing, speaking, acting validates (or invalidates) thoughts & ideas and creates reality.

As part of that discovery process, I’m beginning to accept myself as a creative person who is able to sometimes connect ideas in such a way that they resonate with others. My elementary school teacher and I recently reconnected on Facebook and he shared memories of my time in 5th and 6th grade:

I can clearly see how you let your imagination flow in some of your creative writing. In fact, when I moved to the Education Centre as a consultant, I used a sample of your writing to model the writing process, especially the freewriting stage when you let your imagination and words flow freely to paper. 

With that discovery and acceptance, I felt more comfortable sharing my blog with others.  Second pebble…exposure. 

This past week, I made some real headway in certain aspects of my addiction and recovery. The topic I wanted to write about was cross-addiction. For the first time in 90 days, I’ve broken through a wall of shame, compulsion and loneliness that was very freeing. But, as I got ready to write about this – I started to wonder about what people would think. It turns out (surprise!), the anonymity in the beginning was also providing me a “shield” — or more like the lack of a shield — the absence of a mask!  Like much of my life and relationships, I’ve always felt more comfortable being direct / honest with strangers; always been better at giving constructive feedback or sharing anger with people I don’t know. But for those I know and/or love, I worry about how that might impact our relationship or what they might think of me.  So, I sometimes hold back…I find the right mask to wear…I lose some of my genuineness. In doing so, I lose who I am…I lose my voice.  That’s a slipper slope for me as that’s where I was when I “hit bottom.” Those normal ways of interacting started to come back into play.  I started to edit my thoughts and was afraid to even get into much detail about my breakthrough.  Third pebble…my ego. 




NOW I understand this book I’m reading on a more personal level. It makes sense. Ego gets in the way of our connection, our relationships with our Higher Power and with other people. I don’t believe I’m being cocky or arrogant — the “egotistical” stereotype in my head. But, the minute my “self” gets in the way of connecting with others, I’m just as ego-centric as that guy!  Self-centered.  Doesn’t mean I’m “all about me” and not mindful of others, caring or sensitive.  It just means I’m at the center…my ego is driving my actions – in this case, I’m holding back, afraid of…

Case in point – what started as a genuine desire out of gratitude and humility to share my writing — as well as a self-interest in the discovery process as described above — is now stifled, cut off, masked by my ego…my concern for what others think. I’m losing the benefit I was seeking from the blogs, and am falling back into old patterns of wearing masks and being less than “real” with people I love and who love me. Stinking thinking…old patterns…not the change I’m seeking in my recovery.  Not the self I want to discover…shape…grow.  And isn’t that the whole point of this?

Now the waves start…the pebbles form a pattern, a rhythm. I get it.

God help me ride the wave and grow in ability to stay in conscious contact with You and others by moving me out of the way. Help me to tear away the masks and in doing so also stay humble…simply remaining open to the possibility, open to the wave, open to being a channel of your peace and love…then stepping away from the center and leaving the outcome to you.