Labels


During a conversation this week about our seemingly inherent need to label one another…”I find it best to stick with the label of human being.”

Thanks Tom M.

Honesty and Help


I understand.
I get it.
I know.

But do I?  Really?

Or have I learned to survive across three decades to show confidence to mask my fear?  Unknowingly, do my typical answers above make me come across as close minded and arrogant?

I’m learning with some help from others that I do in fact shut people down and push them away with my language.  I’m not only deceiving myself, I’m closing myself off from help and experience I need in my life.

Why not try…

I don’t understand.  Could you explain that to me?
I don’t get it.  Can you tell me more?
I don’t know.  Would you be willing to help me?

I’m reminded of The Power of A Question.

I’m learning that I don’t have to have all the answers.  It’s not a sign of weakness.  Most people aren’t going to laugh at me or take advantage of me — most people would be very willing to help if I let them.  If I’m willing to make myself vulnerable, be honest with myself and others and ask for help I will in turn find strength, support and insight.

Just for today, I will try to stay open-minded and honest.

On the lam (not really, but got your attention!)


A consequence of my last relapse is a probation violation – I failed a urine test from my last PO meeting.  As a result, the judge wants to have a chat with me.  Of course, when judges want to chat, they don’t just use GoogleCalendar or LotusNotes to setup a meeting.  They do this “issue a warrant for your arrest” thing.  Go figure 😉

Tomorrow, I head to Greenfield and turn myself in for the warrant related to my violation.  (I’m SO disappointed they didn’t post my picture on the web this time!)  My lawyer will file a motion right away for a hearing to set bail.  Given the time of day, and not knowing how busy the judge’s schedule will be, I’m anticipating that I will likely spend at least one night in jail (best case) — and realistically, it could be two or three nights before we get the hearing and I can then post bail.  I’m trying to keep my expectations realistic to be best prepared.  That’s one thing they’ve told me in recovery – watch your expectations!

All in all, I fully accept that I’m here — and my resolve to put my learnings to work is stronger than ever.

 

What have I learned?

  • Don’t pick up – no matter what
  • Complete honesty with myself and others about feelings & actions – ask for help (can’t be therapist AND patient!)
  • Daily acceptance and surrender of all my addictive tendencies
  • Easy does it
  • Stay focused on today (not next clean time milestones, etc.). I don’t have to use…just for today

 

OH, and in case I missed it, don’t pick up.  No matter what.

I am making sure I have clean underwear on tomorrow.  I still don’t think orange is my color, but thus far, have not been successful in petitioning the county jail to change the dress code.
I pray simply that I may continue to find this peace amidst it all – and more importantly, that I take the lessons to heart and learn to reach out and not try to maintain the façade that I’ve got it all under control.  One of my friends kindly pointed out to me that I shouldn’t play poker.  I have to stop pretending it’s all good, take time to sense what’s going on inside and share with others as I uncover things.
End of processing.
Now I lay me down to sleep.