Breathe in authenticity, breathe out compassion


I came across a breathing exercise in a daily meditation I’ve been going through this year. As I breathe in deeply, it had me focus on living authentically – being my true self. In doing so, that would help me to show compassion — so as I breathe out deeply, the word to contemplate was compassion.  Breathe in authenticity, breathe out compassion.

As they say, how is that working for you?

I’ve done this for about a month or so. These past two weeks, I’ve found myself more judgmental of others – particularly those friends around me in recovery! I’ve been more competitive, more frustrated and at times, with a serious case of the f&*k its!

So where is the compassion?

This morning, I realized through some meditation and the morning’s devotional that I’ve focused on having compassion for others. Indeed, I think that was the original framing from the exercise. However, what I’m realizing is the exercise first applies to myself. Only in showing myself compassion — indeed, only in first seeing the compassion that I’ve been shown by my Higher Power — will I find the necessary humility and perspective to meet others with that same compassion.

I’ve heard that before — but it never really connected in the exercise. While the end goal may still be to find a way to live authentically and show compassion for others as I live out my faith in the world, it starts with finding compassion for myself. It took feeling the judgments and frustrations to dig a little deeper…and with that came a richer understanding and experience.

So I’m going to continue with the exercise for a while longer – but shift the focus on finding and showing compassion for myself.

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Memorable Quotes from Recovery


First is gets better, then it gets worse, then it gets different, then it it gets good.

If we don’t talk about things, then they are not real.

When you are young and pretty, hang out with the drag queens and drink…life is pretty fabulous!

One of the most dangerous places I can be is proving someone else is wrong.

I can choose to be right, or I can choose to be happy.

I can choose to be right, or I can choose to connect.

We addicts like to trade what we want most for what we want now.

Setting boundaries is about meeting my needs – not controlling other people’s actions.

I’m not worse than, I’m not better than — I’m just mainstream.

We’re egomaniacs with an inferiority complex.

This is a simple program for complex people.

 

My Ego Has Landed


Well, hopefully it’s been right-sized – or in the process of being right-sized!

I continue to be at peace around my decision to either slow down or put on hold plans to start my own business, in favor of taking a position with a software company. I’m realizing how much of my self was already being wrapped up in it albeit subtly. With a history of finding my identity in my work, this is a way of thinking that I need to relearn.  That takes time and practice. With this job, I’ll have time and energy to focus on my continued growth, strengthening my foundation of recovery. The wider the foundation, the higher the point of freedom.

A fellow addict shared in a meeting today that after years of sobriety, he had relapsed – and fallen hard.  He was coming back into treatment and recovery after being out for several months.  He talked about how part of his downfall was he “thought he had arrived.”  His ego had landed, too!  In his thinking he started to take his will back.  As he did so, it became easier to justify not going to meetings – and not calling his friends in recovery.  And one thing led to another, and he was out using again. He shared how important it was for him to have learned the need for to stay connected spiritually, constantly seeking his higher power‘s will.

His sharing seemed to underscore for me the wisdom in my recent choice – wisdom that was quite honestly not my own. I realize now that when my sponsor had first shared his concerns about me starting a business this early in recovery, I downplayed them. I even took his advice and asked others in recovery who knew me well. I latched on to one individual who supported me, using that to discount my sponsor’s input.  Dangerous ground, I’m realizing now.  I could see the “higher road” — but wanted the road I was on.  It didn’t necessarily feel like an easy road…but it was one I clung to dearly.

Granted – lest I’m too hard on myself or start to second guess everything going on right now – I did not have any other options. There were no interviews of job offers. Were my searches robust…not consistently. But when the options DID come forward recently, I prayed to my higher power and sought guidance from others.  I tried to remain open-minded and willing.  When I realized that I really was grasping the rice pretty hard…the lessons started to unfold for me.

Experience is the worst teacher. It always gives the test first and the instruction afterward. — Niklaus Wirth

Learning to be open.

Learning to accept.

Learning to keep my ego in check.

Learning to be honest – with myself first and foremost.