I Wish That I Could Show You…


An Open Letter to Barbara McAfee,

Your tracks “World of Wonders”, “Let It Be” and “I Wish That I Could Show You” enveloped me in love and light today as I grieved. I cried for my grandmother and mom, who both left this earth this year.

The first left us at the age of almost 101, having lived a life of fullness, grace and love. A first generation American of Polish decent, she embodied hospitality, free from judgement or expectations. She gave of herself in service to others simply because that was her light. She suffered in recent years in and out of hospice, witnessing the speechless separation of her only two offspring, void of hope they would be reconciled on earth because…

The second left us suddenly at the age of 71, alone in her home, sprawled on the floor with a small drool of blood and fluids that simply said she went without pain or suffering, even though her last decades were full of empty illusions of untreated alcoholism…deep in denial, and unable and unwilling to accept her own human condition. She also embodied hospitality, though hers came oft times with judgement and “strings of expectations.” Nonetheless, her intentions were to mirror her mother’s grace and love. She gave of herself in service to others, hoping to find joy and freedom for the little girl trapped in the bottle. She battled in sharp wit against her only sibling, leaving him on earth to suffer guilt, shame and similar fate for sure at the end of an empty bottle and broken marriage.

Today I sobbed and grieved, looking for answers and solutions to my pain. I managed to avoid my traditional patterns of numbing sex, drugs and alcohol…and instead stayed in the moment. I turned on your music, and found comfort, deep solace and sadness. And yet in that moment, a vision of hope came…that while I would have no answers to the empty holes in my heart from these two angels, nor would I find answers in the love of another person, or even the soft licks of my Daisy may who lapped up the saltiness of my tears…I am able to accept the situation, and know peace…let it be.

My second tattoo design is now complete, having known I would have 26401 from Les Miserables, and the dual mask of joy and grief, comedy of masks…and now, it will lay on top a characture of your outstretched arms, blanketed in light, in hope, in the promise of peace.

Thank you for your gift of presence. While I found no remedy to the loss, I found hope in the gentle notes coming from your soul.

Your brother

Todd

For others, this cd from Barbara arrived this week. I met her in Cincinnati at a conference earlier this year. She let me have a pre-release version of track 13…”I wish that I could show you.” And it has brought me great comfort up until and now through her released cd. I encourage you to seek out her deep presence and melodies at barbaramcafee.com. May you find your own truth, light and life.

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Entertaining Angels Unaware


This is perhaps a different twist on the scripture passage Mike Mather offered for my grandmother’s funeral, as I shared her gift of hospitality….to anyone, but particularly to those emigrating from Poland. She had spent years teaching emigrants English and US Citizenship under Rooselvelt’s administration.  (Hear her story firsthand  from her 95th birthday party!)

A natural extension of her work there was to open her home, with Pop-pop, to house, feed and nurture the body and soul of Polish people, given her fluency in her parents’ native tongue and her proud heritage. (Hear her talk about what it was like growing up in Philadelphia as a first generation Polish-American, including recounting the Lord’s Prayer in Polish.)

This week, within days of Mee-maw (Blanche) passing to the other side of the curtain, a friend found her first penny from Blanche.

Last night, I was watching Les Miserables with some dear friends, and felt my mom and Mee-maw’s presence. I bought one brooch for me (two masks/theater motif), one butterfly to match my mom’s silk jacket I wear and my tattoo…and wanted one more for Blanche.  (Well, for me to remember their life, love and legacy….)

I ended up buying an amethyst-colored brooch (one of her favorite stones) when L. (behind the counter at the gift shop) gave me three options…but as she pointed to one, she said accidentally…Blanche, instead of whatever word would have been normally to follow.  Wow….

L. had no way of knowing my grandmother’s Americanized version of her first name, Blanche…for Bronislaw. And I know Blanche was pointing for L., because L. shared later that she had lost her 45 year old daughter this year…to a heart attack. My 71 year old mom died in January…of a heart attack.Blanche's Brooch

If we listen to the Spirits or Angels or whatever term is comfortable for you…I believe they talk to us. Some in pennies, some through others, some in signs.

Our Angels want us to know that they are ok…and that we can grieve, but move on and live life to the fullest. They are smiling down, dancing and laughing with us.

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Self Discovery….A constant process of living, and learning.


I am a creative, mindful empath who believes in abundance, in seeing one another’s’ gifts… I also know that hurting people hurt, so I’m working to grow in discernment on when I invest in relationships, and when I walk away. I’m working on being vulnerable, creating safety, embracing fun and listening intently. But I can go from 0 to bitch in 2.3 seconds…and for that, I ask for forgiveness as I try to grow. I’m learning also to live in the grey, ambiguity of the ? 

I accept serenity with courage and wisdom that comes from grace.