an iWalk down memory lane…discoveries I’ve made about 42


I’ve been recently needing to go through all of my iPhone contacts. It’s just like going through an old-fashioned address book

(remember those? does anyone have one of those anymore, or have we all gone to an iBook of addresses… Electronic bits and bytes that come together to convey stories and trigger distant memories…)

It’s like walking down memory lane, with all of your friends, acquaintances or family crossing your path along the way. 

Seeing most names brings back a lot great memories with family and friends. 

It can also be a bit like that end of year tradition where the news media walk through all of those who passed on during the year prior. I catch myself thinking about someone, and then remembering that she is no longer with us. He watches from the stars above, joining my grandparents, my mom, my friends Scott, Phil and others unnamed. 

As they say, these are the saints of our families who have gone on before us…

Pausing to reflect a little on my iWalk down memory lane, I’m reminded of a saying a friend taught me in my recent past.

“People are in our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime.”

This really makes it a little easier for me to stay in the moment with relationships – loving what they are bringing to my life at that moment… not worrying about what our history could or should have been… nor assuming this moment implies or doesn’t imply something for the future…

This perspective on life also helps me grieve through the ending of any relationships or acquaintances, accepting that each connection has its own unique mission, its own life expectancy. The importance of each connection is not dependent on its length, frequency or intensity. 

Each has value; 

they all have purpose.  

I cherish them all…
Thank you for listening…

 

And then, someone asked about the meaning of 42…

…exactly!

 

 

Unresolved anger at mom for dying of untreated alcoholism 


[read my prior post first on feelings…]

I’m in long term recovery for addiction.  

As I’ve written here before, my addiction first manifested itself as I used sex to try to feel better about me, to hide from unresolved grief and loss, to numb the pain of broken relationships and divorce. 

It progressed to included alcohol before exponentially changing for worse as I began to use illegal substances – progressing quickly from light use to regular use of heavy drugs.  

All the same illness – substance use and abuse disorder.  The substance just varied over time to include people and drugs.

 

So why then do I have such a hard time with alcoholics? 

I can understand the hardest core Meth addict. While I never did heroin, I can empathize with a heroin addict.

But put me around a drunk and I find myself with a lot less sympathy. More often than not, I will over react and fly off the handle. My tone is condescending and paternalistic.

 How dare they…  Anger and rage erupt. I verbally rip people to shreds. I raise my voice – ok I yell.  

How dare she…

How dare she ignore our pleas to get help. 

How dare she stop seeing her GP when he told her if she kept up her drinking, it would kill her. 

How dare she die before her 100 year old mother. 

How dare she die of untreated alcoholism. 

How dare they risk the same lonely death as my mom. 

How dare they end up like a friend’s uncle just this week – found dead in his kitchen, just as mom was found dead in her den.  The likely cause of his death could be what the doctor told us about mom’s untimely death on the floor of her family room. 
Untreated alcoholism. 

Now I understand my intolerance, my rage. 

It comes deeply from an unhealed wound. 

Now the work begins. Or continues. 

Grief is a process. And it has reared its head again, to let me know I’m still hurting.  A little boy, crying along without his mama. 
Only now can I heal further. 

Only now can I stop hurting those around me who struggle with an addiction to alcohol.  

Only now can I begin to show them the same compassion, tolerance, understanding, empathy and support I’ve been shown.  

Only now can I stop confusing my anger at mom with someone in front of me. 

Thank you, anger 

Thank you, rage. 

Your days are numbered now. 

From http://www.iosproject365.com/ctoddcreations

 
Fri, March 11, 2016: 

Mom died unexpectedly at home three years ago from untreated alcoholism. It was a shock to the entire family. But as I look back, we’ve grown closer as a family. I’ve also internalized the reality of addiction on a deeper level. I also treasure the presence and comfort of my dad at her funeral. Even though they had divorced some 20+ years prior, he came to support his three children as we buried our mom. He was a pall-bearer. I so appreciate him and our stronger, closer relationship.  

This is an angel from from my mom’s garden. She sits up in the rafters of our porch, looking down on those who come and go from our house watching over us with peace, love and light. 

I love you mom. I will also be your little boy. 

What should anger be telling me?


I have a temper. 

I can sometimes overreact to a situation. 

I grew up in a household and an extended family where tempers flew, usually dispropotiatrly to the situation. 

Apple, tree…

I used to ignore, suppress, otherwise dismiss this scary emotion because of my experiences growing up.  Being in a right wing fundamentalist Christian cult during college only served to underscore the belief that feelings are not facts – that we should “un-feel” and not give in to irrational feelings.  Being in twelve step groups early in recovery emphasized the same point, that feelings are not facts. 

With enough therapy, I can now call bullshit. Feelings are the looking glass, the mirror, the magnifying glass into how are needs are either being met or not met.  We may not have to act on them like we want to. I may not have to overreact and act out from the rage and anger that boils up inside of me. But, that feeling is my best chance at figuring out what’s going on. Only from that insight can I make different choices, resolve the unmet needs, and find healing. 

Without that step, the pattern of losing my temper, lashing out and overreacting will likely repeat itself time and time again. 

My next post will show how this has helped me figure out what’s really going on.  But first, I had to face my demon – my rage – my fear – my feelings. 
Thank you Chris C, Mike M and others who helped me face my rage.