The Magical Storybook of Professor Peacock
inspiring each other to greater understanding, compassion, love, peace and truth
I’m sad and burdened for the hopelessness of that lost and hurting soul, knowing that even today others are trapped in the same shackles.
But the tears are flowing even more out of a deep sense of peace, joy and gratitude for the freedom and grace I’ve found in the journey.
I pray for the still suffering addict or alcoholic that they will find the inner strength to reach out for help. Hope is not lost; there is freedom and life.
Miracles do happen.
Hold on….
They tell me in the rooms that I need to be aware of getting too H-ungry, A-ngry, L-onely or T-ired. For this addict, I’ll throw in an extra H-orny or A-roused. (Just being honest!) The point is – those can be sounds of my addiction – my mental obsession – starting to chip away at my defenses.
Today, I noticed all 4 building up. I coined the term for myself, the “Hangman H-A-L-T.” If I let them all “be named” without using my tools of recovery, I could end up hanged.
I was finding myself down – wanting to sleep – not wanting to talk to anyone. Naps can be good – but naps can also be an escape. I’m told the ability to face problems is necessary to stay clean. Today, I was drifting into self-pity, fear and loneliness. Danger Will Robinson – Danger!
This time I’m trying to act differently – one day at a time. I’m trying to apply the tools of recovery sooner – despite how I feel. The specific situations that got me to Hangman are somewhat irrelevant here. The point is – what did I do?
I am blessed today. I’m applying the tools I’ve learned today. It’s making a difference.
I called my sponsor. Talking through things, I realized some self-denial about how I was feeling. There are some big changes going on – some milestones coming up. And while I’ve made a lot of progress on my self-confidence and self-esteem by putting together a couple “next right things,” I still struggle with it under stress. I still worry what people think of me – wanting to please everyone. That’s impossible. That’s insanity.
But, today, I got some help. “Read literature” – specifically it was suggested that I read What Can I Do? from my basic text. I did. And it was like reading it for the first time. Words jumped out at me. It resonated with me on a new level tonight. It challenged me, and kicked my butt.
It was suggested I get out of myself and make plans with some other friends. I shoveled the walk for my roommate. And made plans for next Saturday.
Thanks G. for listening. My funk has lifted…for today. I didn’t have to run from my feelings. They are passing. And, they will probably come back That’s life…on life’s terms. No matter what, I don’t have to use — people, places or things.
Snowed in from a meeting – but still grateful in my heart.
A consequence of my last relapse is a probation violation – I failed a urine test from my last PO meeting. As a result, the judge wants to have a chat with me. Of course, when judges want to chat, they don’t just use GoogleCalendar or LotusNotes to setup a meeting. They do this “issue a warrant for your arrest” thing. Go figure 😉
Tomorrow, I head to Greenfield and turn myself in for the warrant related to my violation. (I’m SO disappointed they didn’t post my picture on the web this time!) My lawyer will file a motion right away for a hearing to set bail. Given the time of day, and not knowing how busy the judge’s schedule will be, I’m anticipating that I will likely spend at least one night in jail (best case) — and realistically, it could be two or three nights before we get the hearing and I can then post bail. I’m trying to keep my expectations realistic to be best prepared. That’s one thing they’ve told me in recovery – watch your expectations!
All in all, I fully accept that I’m here — and my resolve to put my learnings to work is stronger than ever.
What have I learned?
OH, and in case I missed it, don’t pick up. No matter what.
The Magical Storybook of Professor Peacock 