Category: Recovery

Shifting themes: grief to self-worth


A couple of years ago, I had a therapist who helped me understand some truths about myself on a deeper level.  Being a more right brained thinker, I’ve known for awhile the need to grow in my ability to feel feelings…not just analyze situations.  He talked about integrating the heart and the mind, so that both feelings and thoughts were equally present.  He also gave me some tools for identifying and responding/reacting to feelings.  And while I’m confident that this will be a continual struggle, I believe I’m making progress.  I’m aware, I have some tools, and I’m spending some time feeling, being fully present, being aware…

In that “life theme,” he also helped me see my need to grieve.  He said I’d be entering a period of grieving…  and jokingly, I still wonder “when will it ever end?”  Since then, in addition to ending a 7 year relationship, being fired from a 19 year career, and losing a style of living that went with that career, I’ve faced the loss of my mom and grandmother as well as several close friends.  Call it the journey of entering my 40’s.  I’ve also done some deeper work on realizing and grieving losses from my childhood that have hung over my head and heart, keeping me stuck in patterns that weren’t healthy or aligned where I wanted to be.  And again, while I believe grief is a feeling or process that is with me for the long haul, and I will probably uncover things I still need to grieve, or situations I need to grieve on a deeper level, I’m making progress.  I’m aware, I have some tools to understand and feel grief and loss, and I’m spending some time accepting those losses and moving on…

So while I hesitate to say I’m done with learning how to feel or how to grieve, I’m in a 3 month sabbatical period, and I believe I was enlightened today and this week with the “theme” of this sabbatical — which like other topics, will probably extend beyond the remaining two months.  But two close friends and a devotional reading highlighted the same theme for me – so in my world, three data points make a trend, and I should listen!  The concept:  self worth.

At the heart of me sexual addiction (which played out in a nasty way last month…), and my competitive nature which drives me to overachieve and my depression is this feeling of low self-worth.  It plagues me, and has for much of life – despite many “successes” and external praise.  I hear what others say about me, and discount it…unable to love myself (at times) for just who I am…a beloved child of God.  The devotional today talks about our “inner door” — how nobody can go through the inner door with us, and until we sufficiently “walk through” the issue or issues that face us in life, we will continually return to them — face them head on — bang our head — and wonder why we are going crazy.  For me, I believe it’s self-worth.  

When my counselor told me about grief, my immediate question was “Ok, so how do I grieve?”  He laughed, and said that was the wrong question.  In fact, there wasn’t a question to be asked.  I just needed to let go, and allow my body and mind and Higher Power show my the path I needed to follow.   I believe much of what I faced in the following years were part of that path of enlightenment…

So, as I face this question of “how do I learn to love myself?” – I want to get answers from the world out there (your comments), or read books or somehow find the fix.  But, I’m reminded that this is my inner door — my path of enlightenment.  And while others can help me along the way and shine light on the path, the only answer that is true and authentic is the one that I find for Todd.  So, for now, I will “anoint” this remaining two months of time to explore the journey of self-worth, of loving and accepting self…

Discovering what works…my recovery program


I have struggled quite honestly since I first hit bottom in 2009 to get more than about 14 months of clean time as defined by the 12 step recovery groups.

With the recent help of some trusted friends, my higher power, some experiences with relapse, and some other lessons, I’m beginning to see that for me, I need more than “the rooms” can offer me…at least at this stage of my life.

The twelve-step programs have a definite place in recovery and work for some people as a “life plan.” Even for myself, they served a purpose during a the critical phase of my recovery, when I was learning to live life “on life’s terms.” But, I’m beginning to understand they fall short of what I want and need now.  So, I’m finding my own “voice,” and my own “recovery program.”

Quite simply, for me, life is more about living in the gray. Things are not as simple or neatly defined as one finds in the very “fundamentalist” worldview of 12 step groups. I’ve already lived through the painful disappointment of a rigid, dogmatic Christian “cult” when I was in college.  Again, it served as a useful “crutch” during a traumatic period of loss, while my parents were going through a divorce.  Back then, the Christian group on campus gave me structure and instant “community” – though in the long run, their worldview was very black and white, right and wrong – with little room for independent thinking and diversity.  So as a gay man, I left — and watched as every single relationship turned their back on me because of my choice to come out of the closet.

What I’ve come to realize is the 12 step process was beginning to give me the same heartache and disappointment.  I’ve been really frustrated and let down, because what I’ve heard from people in the rooms and their demonstrated practice have not matched up.  I heard expectations from them about what they would do in times of need – yet in those times of need, I found little support, friendship or understanding.

As with the teachings of the Christian campus group, there is still much that agree with and can use going forward.  So, I don’t want to throw everything out with the bath water.  I can try some things on – if they work for me, then they become a part of my belief system.  But, if they don’t work for me, I can reject them and move on…and that’s okay.

It’s called finding my voice, coming up with my guiding principles, discovering myself…which ultimately is what MY recovery is about. I lost myself in work, relationships, and ex-pat living.  I don’t want to “lose myself” to another external organization and philosophy.  Instead, I want to learn from others, but determine my own path.

The beauty about rediscovering yourself is you get to do it over and over.  And that’s exciting and scary – but more aligned with where this recovery person wants to be.  It’s a little more fluid and messy at times – but in my experience, that’s life.

The other important thing for me to remember is this doesn’t mean that other people are wrong and that I’m right.  It just means that I found what has worked for me, just for today.  It’s about living in the gray, it’s about asking questions, it’s about being open to changing beliefs when they no longer work for me until I find the handful of principles that are my “truths” by which I choose to live.

An open letter to Alcoholism


Dear alcoholism

You’re an ugly, real disease that kills silently. It takes time for you to do your dirty work. But untreated, you eventually win, robbing sons of mothers, mothers of daughters, brothers of sisters, nieces of aunts, grandchildren of grandmothers.

But lest those around you hide in shame, there is no shame for those caught in your deathly grip for it is strong and your lies insidious. The only shame comes when we mask the truth, letting you not only ruin lives but also wrongly steal the dignity of those individuals stricken with your illness. This disease is no better or worse than breast cancer, or heart failure or pneumonia. Those who fall prey are not weak or morally deficient. But they often die alone, isolated and untreated because we confuse choice or willpower with your overwhelming, cunning, baffling and powerful grip. Or worse, we hide the truth of your reality out of fear or shame when that only gives more power to this disease, increasing the risk that others fall prey to your lies.

It’s sad when we lose someone to you because they went untreated, but that should not translate to shame or self-pity. We should be angry at your lies, and redouble our efforts to educate, protect, treat and encourage those at risk.

Yes, I’m an angry son – sad but not ashamed that his mom lost her battle to this crazy disease.

I love you mom. I wish we could have done more to help you in your pain.