Category: General

Day 126 – Hurting people hurt…so find the source of the pain!


A friend of mine shared this catch phrase with me last week and it has stuck with me.  This concept has helped me in the past as I grew to understand it.  It aligns with Non-Violent (Compassionate) Communication that I’ve been incorporating into my life over time.  And it described me today!  I lashed out at someone, creating an opportunity to make an amends!  As someone once said, put down the shovel and stop digging…  I have another hole to fill in.

But, the real question is…what was the source of my pain, causing me to hurt…

I’ve been in a mood since yesterday and I’ve been trying to figure it out.  I’ve lapsed into a little of my cross-addiction behaviors — spending time chatting online, looking to fill an emptiness.  But, this time I’ve stopped doing and running and tried to figure out what’s going on.  That’s one of the tools I’ve learned — interrupt the cycle, the normal behavior pattern where situation drives a feeling and feeling creates a behavior.  That gives me a chance to alter the behavior…thus keeping my feelings from controlling my behaviors!  And more importantly, allows me to feel what I need to feel instead of running from them!

I meditated this morning in the shower (it’s works for me!)  And, a lightbulb finally went on. 

I figured out what event created the feelings of loneliness, that were driving the behavior to chat and “act out.”  My cross addiction is people – relationships – sex.  I use them to avoid feeling loss or grief; it’s essentially using people to numb my feelings.  But I know it doesn’t make them go away.  I also know they aren’t bad feelings – they are expected, normal, nothing to be afraid of.  But for years – decades – I’ve “used” people to hide from my feelings just like I’ve used drugs and alcohol.  And part of my recovery is working to align my behaviors with my values. I value people as children of god. I value intimacy, and sex as a means of expressing that intimacy in a loving relationship.  So, having anonymous sex isn’t aligned with those values.  Even casual sex with friends gets confusing and creates other feelings that usually don’t help what I’m going through. 

As I start to work more on my cross-addiction, I’m wanting to find a different way to relate to people that meets my needs more effectively. I’m not there yet – but this time at least I stopped myself, and took some time to figure out why.  And now, instead of numbing, I can take time to grieve the losses in my life — experience the feelings, the sadness, the regret, the anger.  And then, as those feelings get worked through in a healthy way, they pass…  And in doing so, I learn that feelings don’t have to control my behaviors. 

So although I have an amends to make because of my pain, I was able to notice the behavior and stop myself…and figure out what was going on.  I figured out what I was feeling on multiple levels and why.  I dug through recent days to understand the event that triggered the feelings, but also the unresolved loss from my past.  It was unresolved because in my active addiction and using, I never allowed myself to fully experience the grief that comes from loss…the sadness, the regret, the emptiness.  And my “familiar” patterns of addiction were trying to rear their ugly heads.  It’s easier for me to avoid my feelings — numb them — or lash out, act out elsewhere so as to divert my attention!  But, slowly, with each day of my recovery, I’m learning a different pattern…find the pain, work through it, and move on.

Day 115 – Regaining my voice with NVC


In recovery, I’ve learned that drinking and using weren’t my problems…they were the symptoms. The problems were deeper – more with me, my identity, my confidence. Over the past 10 years or so, I gradually lost my “voice” for a variety of reasons. In relationships, at work, as a member of community…I slowly let others speak for me, or tell me what to say or do. I did great at taking care of others, but didn’t work on myself. I found it harder and harder to know my own needs, let alone seek to have them met or even respected. That took me to a very dark and lonely place.


When I hit bottom, I remember praying that I could get my voice back & regain my identify.  So, this first year or so of recovery is about rediscovering CT.  Or as my friend said last night, becoming the person I was meant to be!  Funny…that exact line is from my “step one” video I made as a gratitude gift for people involved in my “day zero” — the night I called for help and was admitted for treatment.  Susan Boyle’s debut album had a song titled “Who I was born to be.”  In the weeks before I hit bottom, I held onto life sometimes by a weak string…the songs on her album, particularly that one, gave me hope.
              And though I may not
              Know the answers
              I can finally say I am free
              And if the questions
              Led me here, then
              I am who I was born to be

              And so here am I
              Open arms and ready to stand
              I’ve got the world in my hands
              And it feels like my turn to fly
One of my passions in recent years has been learning non-violent, or compassionate, communication.  It’s a way of connecting with one’s self and others through active listening. By being in better touch with one’s needs as well as seeking to understand others’ needs (stated or unstated), there’s a better chance of effectively communicating, making requests and ultimately, experiencing greater joy in relationships. I know I want to deepen my skills in this area, including more training and practice.  It takes conscious work – and much like I’m learning around managing my ego, if I consciously work on staying in contact with others, with my higher power, with my needs and feelings, it’s a lot easier to live in that “space” of compassionate communication.
I got a chance to practice NVC twice tonight.  Some of it has to do with defining boundaries, but the way I’m able to go about expressing those boundaries can be a lot more effective and well received.  By focusing on making requests, and framing the need I have behind the request in a non-judgemental way, I found success!  
The first situation was at dinner.  Someone at our table answered their cell phone and proceeded to have a conversation for several minutes, while the other three of us were trying to continue with our dinner conversation.  I simply asked the individual if they would be willing to continue their conversation away from the table.  I didn’t yell at them. I didn’t pass judgement or label them as rude or inconsiderate.  Part of what NVC tries to teach is that everyone’s needs have equal value — through non-violent (that which makes others defensive!) communication, we try to find ways that everyone’s needs can be met.  So in this case, I assumed they had a reason or a need to have the conversation at that moment.  Wanting to respect that, I offered an alternative that would still allow them to have their conversation while respecting my need to continue mine.   
Did I do it perfectly?  No.  Was it perfectly well received?  Not necessarily.  The individual got a little defensive, and didn’t seem very happy.  Next time, I’d probably loop back with them afterwards and discuss the situation to make sure they felt valued and respected.  But, this isn’t about perfection…it’s about progress.  So, I was glad I “got my voice” and spoke up.
The second situation was a follow-up to a meeting earlier this week.  The individual was repeatedly carrying on side conversations with me during a meeting.  They were typing things on their cell phone and showing me.  They were whispering in my ear.  I politely tried to ignore them without being rude.  I think they sense I was a bit annoyed, so they got in touch with me tonight via text.  
They started off the exchange saying “sorry to distract you at the meeting.”  But, then a bit passive-aggressively, they added “but I think you like it.”  So I took the opportunity to explain what my needs were and make a request for different behavior.   I simply asked, “During meetings, I am there to focus on my recovery as a priority.  I want to be able to fully listen and participate. So I would prefer to not be distracted with side conversations if they are not relevant or are lengthy.  Would you be willing to try that, understanding better why I need that during the meetings?”  Not a demand, a request.  Had he said no to the request, we would hopefully have talked more to find a way to meet both our needs satisfactorily.  But he was understanding and agreed to stop.  He apologized and said he didn’t want me to think poorly of him.  Again, I hadn’t judged him, called him rude or told him he was xxx yyy zzz.  So, it was a great chance to follow-up and reinforce the compassion and the connection I had for him: “I decided to say something to you because I respect you and want to get to know you better.  But this would have been a barrier had it continued, so I wanted to put it on the table so we could deal with it.”  
It’s usually easier for me to type/write/text stuff like this…it comes out a lot better in general without the emotional hesitation!  But the more I practice it verbally like at dinner, or even in texts!, the more I’ll get comfortable with finding the balance and consciousness I’m looking for. And the more I do that, the more I find my voice and speak up for my needs, the stronger I’ll become in my recovery and confidence.  One day at a time…easy does it!  But, progress feels good!

Day 114 – Reconnecting and filling out my past…


I reached out to a friend from my past about a month ago. M was the instructor for an intense 13 day experiential course I went through on inclusive work & interpersonal relationships…centered around diversity. We were about 18 in total — and after bearing our souls, we ALL became a very tight knit group.  In fact, my “CP family” has been very much a part of my recovery support network since inpatient.

M and I had a strong connection throughout the 2+ years I worked with the program, but when my using increased in the last year or so, I remember deliberately creating “walls” to keep her away. If anyone could figure out something was deathly wrong in my life, she could have. And I wasn’t ready for that at the time. So, my “big sister” became my “distant sister” – of my doing.

When I called her recently, we played telephone tag for a couple rounds. I left a message letting her know I wanted to reconnect, that there were some changes that were going on I wanted to fill her in on.  (At that point, I had been through treatment and lost my job…)  I’ll never forget her voicemail back to me…something to the effect of: “CT, great to hear from you.  You sound fantastic, so the changes must be great!  Can’t wait to hear what amazing things are going on with you.”  What a testimony to the growth my Higher Power and program of recovery are bringing about…that it can be heard in my voice on a recording!  I’ve had others tell me I look better, sound better…but in person!  This was a first!  Imagine her surprise when we finally talked on the phone…and I filled her in on my “bottom,” my treatment & path of recovery, loss of job and home, etc.  Life was so different from a year ago when I saw her…but oh so much better!  She was speechless…I was thankful…and we had (finally!) reconnected!!!

We met tonight for dinner and brought each other up to speed.  I filled in some of my past, and we were both able to understand where the walls were coming from…why even in our training, there was something I was holding back, not disclosing.  She shared it was confusing at the time, because on so many fronts I was very open & honest.  Now, the picture was complete…the pieces of the puzzle began to fit together.  And, as all things happen for a reason and are a part of His Master Plan…it’s exciting to look forward, in anticipation of where these connections and experiences will take me…

M, I love you as a sister.  I’m thankful you hung with me — kept me in your thoughts and prayers — kept loving me.  You’re part of my story…you know how you accelerated my recovery by a week to 10 days!  I so want to pay it all forward and share what has been so freely given to me…