Category: General

Feelings don’t have to run my life – but I don’t have to run from feelings in my life!


In the late 80’s, I spent four years in what I choose to call a Christian Cult. One of the teachings there focused on managing feelings – controlling them – keeping them in check. The idea was we should not allow our feelings to run our lives. Discipline, character, moral code, acting despite how we might feel — these were held up as goals of “right living.”

Feed that to an addict who already has a well-developed set of coping skills to avoid pain, to numb my feelings…and any hope of balance is out the window!  I added that tool to my toolkit, and found myself years later with an even stronger set of coping skills.  This was all before I started to drink compulsively or use illegal drugs.

What I’m learning now is how to undo years of either unhealthy messages – or messages that THIS addict took hold of and used to serve his own unhealthy purposes.

First, I’m learning to admit I’m powerless over my feelings. I can’t manage them – I can’t control them…nor should I.  Instead, I need to lean in them, live through them, and feel them. At times they may be intense. The changes I’m going through this week with my move, anticipating the first anniversary of being fired from my 19 year career because of my addiction, being reminded of the loss of a seven-year relationship – have all brought up intense feelings of sadness, grief, pain.  But, I’m learning that is NATURAL!  They won’t consume me.  I can live through them.  And I know that one day I will also live through similar intense feelings of joy, celebration, love, surprise.

This is live – on life’s terms.  And what an amazing gift.

So yes – feelings don’t have to run my life, because I am powerless over them.  BUT, I don’t have to RUN from feelings in my life!

“Pain is inevitable…misery is optional.”  Today, I choose to experience the pain, but also choose to seek peace and comfort amidst the pain.

That is growth.

For that, I’m thankful.

“Why?” is not the right question…


I have a tendency to “lose myself” in other people, places, things. I’ve lost my voice in relationships, lost my identity as a human being to my work, lost my pain in addiction. This past week, I’ve caught myself drifting back into some of these patterns — over investing in some work related efforts or fantasizing about romance, dating. The dangerous part is in getting caught up in all of this, I was losing my focus on recovery. I got *very* short-tempered and lashed out at a couple people on Tuesday. As I reflected on things, I realize I’ve been going to recovery meetings a lot, but not doing much work beyond that. I have been skipping time to meditate, read devotionals all in the name of getting things done.

I was sharing this with my therapist this morning because he has been helping me see how unhealthy this tendency to lose myself continues to be. I asked him “Why?”  I wanted to know why this happens. I wanted to understand.

His reply:  “Why?” is not the right question!

When I asked, what is the right question…he hesitated and said, “Well, there isn’t really a right question. Instead, I suggest you focus on how your powerless over this. You can’t understand – you’re not God.”

I’m learning in teachable moments like this to stop – listen – and absorb the lesson. It’s a hard habit for me to break. I’ve always prided myself on my thirst for knowledge, for understanding. I’m smart – it’s what I do. But, my best thinking got me here as they say in the rooms! And my attempts to understand my co-dependency, or how to grieve, or why I do certain things — are really masked attempts to control…to “play God.”

Wow.

Really?

Yea…

So what do I need to do differently?

Let go.  Admit I’m powerless.  “Work the 12 steps” on…[insert my intellectual attempt to disconnect from who I am.]

That is the point.

This is about growing up. At 42.

This is about finding a sense of self – rediscovering who I am.

How?  I don’t know.

But I’m learning to listen – to remain open and willing – to be honest with myself and others – and to admit I’m powerless.

What more is there to GRIEVE?!


My therapist told me a couple of weeks ago that I’d be entering a “period of grieving.” I’m realizing there are losses from my past that I haven’t fully grieved because of my addictions. Now in recovery, the feelings of sadness, anger, betrayal, etc. that come with grieving are hitting me in full force.  And that’s all good – and somewhat expected.

What I’m now realizing is that ain’t all!  He has “turned me worldview upside down” a couple of times in recent weeks — challenged my thinking, and since I know my best thinking is what GOT me here, I’m learning to listen, to stay open-minded, to remain teachable. And for this intelligent, arrogant know-it-all, that’s hard to do!  Honestly.  I’m learning the “power of a question”…like, really learning! Not just paying it lip service!

Today I asked him “what does passive-aggressive mean?.”  “I think I know, but let me ask…”  (See, arrogant!)  Well, humbly I learned something new.

I used to think passive-aggressive meant someone who goes back and forth between the two behaviors or extremes: being passive, then being aggressive.  The inconsistency for me was the focus, the frustration. Well, I learned today it has more to do with “being aggressive by being passive” – killing them softly…a nice a*#hole.  Oh 😉  Makes sense. Rather than be honest, authentic (appropriately so) – rather than make myself vulnerable and share how I’m feeling as the result of an action, a met or unmet need…I play out a game of aggression in a “nice” way.  Hmm…

I’m learning what it means to be honest – to be authentic.

 

Character defect: passive-aggressive.  Has to go.  When I lose something, I need to be ready to grieve.  gulp.

Character defect: sarcasm.  Serves me well; lived in the UK, where they do it so well, though they call it a “dry sense of humor.”  Hallmark for me – one of my trademarks. Shoot.  Has to go. When I lose something, I need to be ready to grieve.  gulp.

Character defect: flirting.  Like passive-aggressive, it’s a way of avoiding honesty, vulnerability.  It’s really a game – a childish game, more appropriate for teen-age puppy love; not a grown, adult who is 42 years old.  Has to go. When I lose something, I need to be ready to grieve.  gulp.

Character defect: defining myself in relation to other people – usually in relationship with someone (either romantically or in friendship), not seeing myself as a unique, whole human being – complete in and of myself. Jerry Maguire doesn’t work in real life…”you complete me.”  Has to go. When I lose something, I need to be ready to grieve.  gulp.

Character defect: pursuing romance instead of intimacy. Not that romance in and of itself is bad (I think…), but it’s not the end point – attraction, romance lead to healthy intimacy. But, I constantly chance romance – the newness – the excitement, which only gets me into trouble when I *am* in a relationship, because that newness is usually somewhere else. So, like flirting, it’s an emotionally immature response for a grown adult, as an end point.  Has to go.  When I lose something, I need to be ready to grieve.  gulp.

Shoot.

Now I know what’s meant about giving up character defects – or being willing to give them up.  They’ve served me well…ok not so well, but they are comfortable.  I’m used to them.  But they have to go.

They’ve helped me cope with life.  But, is that all I want from life — to “cope with it?” Again, it’s like tolerance — not a substitute for love.  How many people want their friends or family to tell them, “I tolerate you.”  NO!  We all want and need, “I love you.” Likewise, I don’t want my tombstone to read, “Here lies CT. He coped with life.”  NO!  I want it to read, “Here lies CT.  He lived his life authentically.”

There’s a whole lot more that’s being added to this grief plate!

But, I know it’s all good.  It’s the growth I want – they growth I need – the growth I haven’t had since I was oh, about 18 years old.

So it’s no surprise my emotional responses in many cases are those of a teen-ager. 😉

Growth – grieving – goodness.

 

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