Category: General

My Ego Has Landed


Well, hopefully it’s been right-sized – or in the process of being right-sized!

I continue to be at peace around my decision to either slow down or put on hold plans to start my own business, in favor of taking a position with a software company. I’m realizing how much of my self was already being wrapped up in it albeit subtly. With a history of finding my identity in my work, this is a way of thinking that I need to relearn.  That takes time and practice. With this job, I’ll have time and energy to focus on my continued growth, strengthening my foundation of recovery. The wider the foundation, the higher the point of freedom.

A fellow addict shared in a meeting today that after years of sobriety, he had relapsed – and fallen hard.  He was coming back into treatment and recovery after being out for several months.  He talked about how part of his downfall was he “thought he had arrived.”  His ego had landed, too!  In his thinking he started to take his will back.  As he did so, it became easier to justify not going to meetings – and not calling his friends in recovery.  And one thing led to another, and he was out using again. He shared how important it was for him to have learned the need for to stay connected spiritually, constantly seeking his higher power‘s will.

His sharing seemed to underscore for me the wisdom in my recent choice – wisdom that was quite honestly not my own. I realize now that when my sponsor had first shared his concerns about me starting a business this early in recovery, I downplayed them. I even took his advice and asked others in recovery who knew me well. I latched on to one individual who supported me, using that to discount my sponsor’s input.  Dangerous ground, I’m realizing now.  I could see the “higher road” — but wanted the road I was on.  It didn’t necessarily feel like an easy road…but it was one I clung to dearly.

Granted – lest I’m too hard on myself or start to second guess everything going on right now – I did not have any other options. There were no interviews of job offers. Were my searches robust…not consistently. But when the options DID come forward recently, I prayed to my higher power and sought guidance from others.  I tried to remain open-minded and willing.  When I realized that I really was grasping the rice pretty hard…the lessons started to unfold for me.

Experience is the worst teacher. It always gives the test first and the instruction afterward. — Niklaus Wirth

Learning to be open.

Learning to accept.

Learning to keep my ego in check.

Learning to be honest – with myself first and foremost.

Open to another possibility


Growth can mean change, and change usually means growth – if I choose to embrace it.

It’s interesting to read my last post and see how things have progressed as I continue to try to live in the moment.

The day after I turned in my business plan for a new venture, I got a call for an interview for a position to which I had recently applied. A day after that, I was called back regarding a possible position from a round of interviews 9 months ago. Although I found initial peace in the calls, then humor at the timing — I began to wonder: what does this mean?  Which path is the best option at this point in my life?  Which one is most aligned with my Higher Power‘s will for my life at this point in time?  Very quickly, I was faced with new questions, new possibilities — and became a bit confused!  I thought the path was clear – I thought the series of life experiences I’ve been through had prepared me well for this new venture.  I was sure the events that led to it “being born” were clearly a series a of doors opening to lead me along a path.  So, why two more possibilities?  Why now?!

I asked some people whose opinion I trust about this.  As they pointed out, there really isn’t a decision to be made.  I’ve gotten two calls, and have been on four interviews for those two positions.  But, as of yet, there are no offers, thus no decisions.  So, for now, there is no need to worry, no need to seek discernment.  But, there is plenty of opportunity to pray and meditate — and to live in the moment.  At the end of the day, regardless of the outcome, I have options – I have some choices – and for that I’m blessed and grateful.

But, I came to a new realization in this journey yesterday night during a workshop.  The one opportunity is becoming more real, as I have been through two phone interviews and an on-site half-day interview.  They are completing my background checks and are fully aware of my situation – that I’m in recovery and am currently on probation for charges which came about while seeking treatment for my addiction. So, the possibility is more real with each day that passes.  While I continue down the current path with appropriate diligence, I’ve also continued to pray, and be open to how answers might be revealed to me.  Well, I thought I was open…

What I realized last evening was as I continue to weigh out the pros and cons in my mind and “assess the situation,” I’m focusing more on “why wouldn’t I stay with my current path.” Any assessment of a “Plan B” usually ends up reverting back to, “but clearly, Plan A is the path that has been laid out to me.”

One friend told me to be open and let my Higher Power make the decision for me.  I challenged him with, “What exactly does that look like?”  The practical side of me struggles with out my HP would actually do that!  My friend encouraged me to just let the process play out, and seek help from others to discern.  He also pointed out that perhaps the second and third options weren’t presented for me – there might be a lesson for someone else along the way. Perhaps the interviewer needed to learn something.  Or, perhaps on my way to the interview, I would stop for coffee and talk with someone  – and that conversation would bear fruit for either me or them, or both.  And, that would be the sole reason the other option was allowed to play out.

Cool.  That helped me.  I could quickly get my head around this being a detour for another purpose — maybe for me, maybe for someone else — but, I was just a convenient detour.  But, the way was clear, the path was set.  Plan A was still the right path for me today!  Relief…

Then I read in my daily devotional earlier this week about the way hunters of old would catch monkeys.  They would fill a hollowed out coconut shell with some rice, and bore a hole just the size of a monkey’s wrist.  When the monkey would smell the rice, he would reach in – grab the rice out of  hunger – and rice-in-fist, would find himself “trapped” in the coconut shell.  It then became easy for the hunter to catch the monkey, because he couldn’t climb away — the monkey’s hunger and “gripping the rice for dear life” overrode his need to flee.  Thus, he was trapped.

The point of the devotional was when we hold onto to something so tightly, we are trapped — unable to see other possibilities.  The devotional encouraged me to find the rice in my life – and let go.

I realized last night that the rice in my life is Option A — starting my own business.  I am so dead-set on it, that I’m trapped — and am not open to another possibility. Even though I’m paying lip service to “being open to another path,” in my heart, I’m clinging to the option I think is best.  I’m clinging to MY WILL!

For the first time, last night I let my mind play with another possibility.  I honestly listened to the voice inside my head that talked about some very real pros to Plan B.  I realized that my ego might be playing too much into Plan A.  I like to hear people say they are proud of me.  I seek the spotlight, secretly hoping for praise and support to affirm me.  There’s a lot of me in there.  A lot of self and ego!  If I’m honest…

Also, for where I’m at right now in my recovery, Plan B may be a wiser approach.  (Yes, I got that suggestion before from my sponsor…but quickly discounted it in my mind, to be honest!)  Plan B would allow me time and energy to work on my recovery, and strengthen my foundation — something I allegedly already learned last year is critical!  I had another situation where I was jumping too quickly into something, with no “balance” — and my basic foundational understanding and use of recover tools wasn’t strong enough to carry me through.  Well, I didn’t understand enough to let go – admit I’m powerless – and let my HP’s strength carry me through!  But again, the lesson was — I had my priorities out of sequence and needed to put my recovery first.  So, have I really learned that lesson?

Going with Plan B now doesn’t mean Plan A couldn’t play out in the future.  In the past, when I thought of that option again, I quickly discounted because the timing seemed so right.  I was even told that by someone who reviewed my business plan: “your timing was just perfect.”  Although I replied, “it wasn’t my timing…” I did secretly hold onto that rice even harder!  I wasn’t open to seeing that if either approach really were my Higher Power’s will, not mine…then it would happen in the right sequence and timing.

Am I really open to another possibility?  I think not.

I’m closer today than I was a week ago.  So there is growth…some change…and with more prayer and mediation, I’m sure the openness will increase.

And so where I’m at today is: I still don’t have a decision to make. Nothing has changed there.  But, my heart feels more at peace and open to another possibility.  I’m willing to let go, and let things play out.  My hand is outstretched, not clenching the rice.  And with that, is coming a more profound freedom and calm.  If nothing else, for now, seeking His will for my life means simply being open to another possibility.  Really open – in my heart and soul.  Letting go.  Rightsizing my ego and getting out of the way.  Lots of catch phrases and buzzwords — but for me, today, I understand them on a new level.

For that I’m grateful.

 

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What is my Higher Power’s will? Embrace life. Live authentically. Love compassionately.


Such a heavy question. Someone brought this up as a topic for a meeting the other day – “how do I know what is my will vs. my Higher Power‘s will?” It’s something that I’ve been exploring in this phase of my journey, so I shared something like:

I’m learning that my Higher Power’s will is to find my identity in the relationship I have with my Higher Power. In my case, I choose to see my relationship as one of being a child of a loving God. In that relationship, I find the fullness of who I am meant to be. I find the security, peace and wholeness that I so desperately want and need. My years of addiction have been about finding my identity in my work, or my relationships. I sought peace — or freedom from pain — in sex, alcohol and drugs. I now understand — now came to believe — that a Power greater than myself can in fact restore me to sanity. In this case, sanity for me means wholeness, peace and security.

As for what my Higher Power wants me to do with my life, I’m understanding today that to be: live authentically, with compassion. So first, I must peel back the masks and the “coping skills” I’ve built up over the years. I must unlearn the behavior to please others at all costs and avoid conflict. In doing so, I worried too much what other people thought of me; I wanted to be liked, to be loved — because I had cut myself off from the one relationship that could fulfill me, the one with My Higher Power (see earlier point!)  I avoided conflict because I thought that would cause people to not like me. But, in doing so, I lost my voice – I lost my identity – I lost my authenticity.

So, find my security and wholeness in relationship to my Higher Power, and live authentically with compassion.

I then feel like I was given a chance to live this lesson out. And currently, I’m doing my best to do just that – by the grace of my Higher Power.

Having just locked in on starting my own business, I was called about two job interviews within days of completing my business plan for a mini-loan competition. One is very similar to the position I lost a year ago because of my addiction; the other could be an interesting stepping stone to my new business, but ironically is BACK in the small town I just moved from – literally – yesterday!  Irony.

So, the question comes up – what is my Higher Power’s will for my life?  Does He want me to continue with my own business venture?  Does he want me to return to Corporate IT?  Does he want me to build more deliberately to my own business via one of these other jobs as a temporary stepping stone?

As I’ve been talking and reflecting and praying and meditating on this – knowing that I don’t have to have an answer right away! – I’ve started to come to this possible outcome and lesson.

Given those options, He doesn’t really have an opinion. After all, I was given the ability to make choices.  Unlike other animals on the planet, I do have an intellect and capabilities and emotions to choose.

So, given that I’m not choosing to use – my Higher Power’s will is to take whichever road I would prefer…BUT, to do so without losing my identity or authenticity while doing so.  That’s the potential lesson from this.

So, returning to Corporate IT could be fine – as long as I do it differently this time, and keep my security and identity in my relationship with my Higher Power – and live authentically with compassion.

And launching my own business at 42 and following what feels like a passion and dream is also ok – as long as I don’t put too much stock or identity into it and its mission.

And with that perspective, I’m finding peace.

I don’t have to worry about finding the “right job” – the one “God has ordained for me to do next.”  Instead, it’s possible that I am given the possibility to choose, but to live through that differently this time.  And, in that freedom comes peace – in that realization of what my Higher Power’s will might really be after all comes strength – and through all of this, I feel alive.

So – the short answer – Embrace life, Live authentically, Love compassionately!

 

From my daily meditation, “The Book of Awakening” by Mark Nepo

Endgame: there’s nothing to do but keep dancing

Either by erosion from without or by shedding from within — and often by both — we are forced to live more authentically. And once the crisis that opened us passes, the real choice becomes: will we continue such authentic living?

From my daily meditation, “Jesus Calling” by Sarah Young:

It is easy to make an idol of routine, finding security within the boundaries you build around your life. When you cling to old ways and sameness, you resist My work within you. I want you to embrace all that I am doing in your life, finding your security in Me alone.

 

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