Category: General

Grieving What Could Have Been


I look into the past
What do I see?
Truth
or Deception?

I wonder at times
What could have been
What should have been
What would have been

Not to dwell in the past
But to embrace its reality
Instead of floating in its deception
Because only by embracing
Will I be set free from its empty grip

Why?
Why did I lose my voice?
Why did I lose my soul?
Why did I lose myself?

In doing so, you consumed me
You consumed me with truth and lies
You consumed me with life and death
You consumed me with love and hate
You filled my emptiness with your own
Because I let you

My mind wants to recall the fun times
My heart wants to feel the intimacy
But I realize now that I seek this
To protect myself from the pain
To shield my heart from being alone
To deny what should have been

But that is the reality
That is the truth
That is what was
Not what could have been
What would have been
Had I been true to myself

An accurate memory that is authentic
Is better than a good one that is fake

A good memory is better than a bad picture
But a good picture does not replace a bad memory

Embrace the pain
Embrace what could have been
Embrace what should have been
Embrace what would have been

In doing so, I will find my voice
Reconnect with my soul
Rediscover myself
Be healed
Find Truth
Be Authentic
Move on

Entering my picture of life and letting go of the frame


“The exquisite risk…[is near]…when the ache we’ve suppressed for weeks creeps into our throat, when silence appears at the edge of our exhaustion like an old friend we couldn’t find. Often, the exquisite risk is waiting on the other side of the curtains we draw and the invitations we decline. And sudden birds, if followed, will lead us there. If we only enter our picture of life and let go of the frame.”

Mark Nepo, The Exquisite Risk

Over the last couple of weeks, I’ve had some amazing moments of being present, of connecting with life, of entering my picture of life. I’ve been sad, glad, mad and afraid. But, I’ve seen the sudden birds and followed them.  And in those moments, I experienced the exquisite risk of which Mark speaks.  I felt so alive, whether in pain or overflowing with musical joy.  I’ve sung Beatles songs and songs of praise in my helmet, riding on my motorcycle on the interstate at 65 mph. I’ve dipped my toe in the water of deep sorrow, pain and regret, cleansing my aching soul with tears.  That is life as I want to live it.  That is being, not doing.

And, over the last couple of weeks, I’ve been human – broken and afraid, drifting back to comfortable patterns of running from the sorry, pain and regret.  I’ve suppressed the ache, drawn the curtains and declined the invitations.  But today, I celebrate those moments of weakness because despite them and through them, I’ve seen and accepted my humanness.  With the grace of my higher power, I’ve gained insight and learning even through the “mistakes” I’ve made.  The more authentically I embrace the exquisite risk, the more clear is the emptiness of the alternative choices.  And for that clarity, I’m grateful.

I also choose to celebrate the gift of sobriety I’ve been given through those moments because despite returning to old patterns, I haven’t picked up a drink or a drug.  I’ve used people, places and things to numb the pain, or to escape the reality of life on life’s terms.  But, I’ve carried the lessons of my last relapse into each day and turned things over to my higher power, seeking enough strength amidst the escape to say no to mood or mind-altering substances.  And for that gift of life, I’m grateful.  It’s gift not of my strength, but of my weakness — not of my will, but of my submission.

Just for today, I will let it be.  I will let go, and let God.  I will enter my picture of life and let go of the frame.

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Confusing self-awareness and divine grace


I shared my first step work tonight with a men’s group with whom I’m going through the twelve steps in a workshop.  The purpose behind the journal writing and sharing is to connect with the progressive nature of our disease and the degree to which we became powerless over our addiction.  Our stories show the level of unmanageability in our lives.  We also spend some time sharing about how we came to realize the grip addiction had on our lives – when we hit bottom and surrendered.

I’ve done a lot of searching in my past to understand the pattern of my addictive behaviors — starting with sexual obsession and compulsion in my late teens and early twenties, progressing to dangerous and illegal drug use and more alarming sexual acting out at the height of my addiction.  With recent work in the last 6-8 months, I’ve begun to understand some deeper events and losses in my middle school through college years.  How I responded to these emotionally and spiritually laid the foundation for some patterns of behavior and coping mechanisms which became more and more engrained in my life.  In identifying these events, and the unresolved grief, pain, fear and sadness I felt a sense of self-awareness and insight I had never experienced — even with years of therapy, spiritual exploration and more recently, with 12-step self-help work.

I got a lot of good feedback from the group on my sharing.  I mediated some before my sharing and asked my Higher Power to help me connect not only with the events and stories, but with the feelings and emotions.  I’m seeking to live a life that is more integrated and authentic, knowing that my feelings in fact are a way to identify that which is alive and real inside.  The group felt this connection.  They also could relate to the progressive nature of my escalating behaviors – the increasing risk and deepening loss of self.

But, the most profound and serious comments came around my self-awareness.  The good news is I’ve invested a lot of intellectual energy and time into understanding my past.  And in my recent therapy and journaling, I’ve discovered these unresolved events from my past — and I’m learning new ways to feel my way through them, and bring closure.  But, the danger in this road to self-awareness is I confuse it with the path to freedom.  The path to freedom is nothing of my own doing.  Sobriety is a gift from my Higher Power.  It’s through the mystery of divine grace that I find freedom – not through human awareness.  And for this educated and intellectually inclined addict, with a sense of ego and competitiveness — it will be very easy to confuse the two and fall back on my own efforts, my own sense of strength, my own sense of power.

Therein lies the fallacy.  It’s not my power — it’s my powerlessness.

Therein lies the risk.  It’s not my will — but my willingness.

Therein lies the mystery.  It’s not my strength — but my weakness.

Lest I forget, I wanted to capture the lessons from tonight.  The insights are helpful – but the question is not why.  In fact, there is no question. This is a program of action, not understanding.  I don’t need to understand how it works – I just need to work it.