Category: General

Confusing self-awareness and divine grace


I shared my first step work tonight with a men’s group with whom I’m going through the twelve steps in a workshop.  The purpose behind the journal writing and sharing is to connect with the progressive nature of our disease and the degree to which we became powerless over our addiction.  Our stories show the level of unmanageability in our lives.  We also spend some time sharing about how we came to realize the grip addiction had on our lives – when we hit bottom and surrendered.

I’ve done a lot of searching in my past to understand the pattern of my addictive behaviors — starting with sexual obsession and compulsion in my late teens and early twenties, progressing to dangerous and illegal drug use and more alarming sexual acting out at the height of my addiction.  With recent work in the last 6-8 months, I’ve begun to understand some deeper events and losses in my middle school through college years.  How I responded to these emotionally and spiritually laid the foundation for some patterns of behavior and coping mechanisms which became more and more engrained in my life.  In identifying these events, and the unresolved grief, pain, fear and sadness I felt a sense of self-awareness and insight I had never experienced — even with years of therapy, spiritual exploration and more recently, with 12-step self-help work.

I got a lot of good feedback from the group on my sharing.  I mediated some before my sharing and asked my Higher Power to help me connect not only with the events and stories, but with the feelings and emotions.  I’m seeking to live a life that is more integrated and authentic, knowing that my feelings in fact are a way to identify that which is alive and real inside.  The group felt this connection.  They also could relate to the progressive nature of my escalating behaviors – the increasing risk and deepening loss of self.

But, the most profound and serious comments came around my self-awareness.  The good news is I’ve invested a lot of intellectual energy and time into understanding my past.  And in my recent therapy and journaling, I’ve discovered these unresolved events from my past — and I’m learning new ways to feel my way through them, and bring closure.  But, the danger in this road to self-awareness is I confuse it with the path to freedom.  The path to freedom is nothing of my own doing.  Sobriety is a gift from my Higher Power.  It’s through the mystery of divine grace that I find freedom – not through human awareness.  And for this educated and intellectually inclined addict, with a sense of ego and competitiveness — it will be very easy to confuse the two and fall back on my own efforts, my own sense of strength, my own sense of power.

Therein lies the fallacy.  It’s not my power — it’s my powerlessness.

Therein lies the risk.  It’s not my will — but my willingness.

Therein lies the mystery.  It’s not my strength — but my weakness.

Lest I forget, I wanted to capture the lessons from tonight.  The insights are helpful – but the question is not why.  In fact, there is no question. This is a program of action, not understanding.  I don’t need to understand how it works – I just need to work it.

Life sans Facebook – Reflections on my Lenten Journey


Facebook logo
Image via Wikipedia

Today ends my 40 day journey of experiencing life without Facebook.  Like some other addictive behaviors I have, I was finding that time with Facebook was consuming more time than time alone, or time in meditation, or time with others, or time working on steps or reading recovery literature. I learned early in my recovery that addiction isn’t just about the dope, or the alcohol or the sex. It’s about any behavior that obscures my true self. It’s about anything I do compulsively or obsessively.  It’s about people, places or things that get in the way of my relationship with my Higher Power, other people or my self. I found myself sometimes defining my reality by Facebook — if it wasn’t posted on Facebook, it wasn’t significant.  I found myself consumed with a desire to update, to read, to surf.  I found myself more apt to post something on Facebook than to pick up the phone and call somebody.  So, in the spirit of my religious beliefs and as part of my spiritual life I gave up Facebook for Lent – and took on other behaviors in its stead.

I wanted to write more cards and letters during this period.   I removed as many barriers to this new behavior by purchasing a 50-pack of notecards and a book of stamps. So I wouldn’t have the excuse of not having something to write on, or not finding stamps. Sometimes after my morning meditation or before bed, when I found myself with an extra 5-10 minutes, I took the time to quickly jot a thank you or short note to say hello. As soon as they were written, I wrote out the envelope, placed the stamp and attached the card to my mailbox for the postal worker.  For all those times I “beat myself up” for not writing a thank you card, or for not reaching out to my 96-year old grandmother – I’m able to find peace and joy knowing that I’ve done so recently.

This morning, a family relationship which is strained greatly was on my mind.  The two parties involved are not speaking to one another – and they are first generation blood relatives. I’ve thought about the one party, with whom I’ve always shared a close bond over the years.  When I first came out of the closet, they were extremely supportive and asked questions, showed interest.  When I hit bottom and admitted my addiction to drugs, they didn’t dance around the topic and avoid the 500 pound elephant in the room.  They reached out and talked with me, once again demonstrating their unconditional love and lack of judgement.  I’ve thought of them often during the course of this family breakdown and wanted to reach out – but combination of pride, sadness and pain kept me from doing so.  This morning during my meditation and devotional time, the situation came to mind – and all of that melted away. I realized that in my selfish inaction, I was not demonstrating the unconditional love and freedom from judgement they had shared with me over the years.  The details of the family discord are really of no concern of mine.  I’m not responsible for mending the relationships or seeking reconciliation for the parties involved.  That’s my codependent nature peeking through — my self-centered delusions of grandeur and power, somehow believing that I’m god and possess the power to fix, manage or control others.

I’m powerless.

But I am able to show love and compassion.  I am able to be present and connected.

Without the weight of false responsibility on my shoulders, I found both a willingness and a freedom to write a simple note.  There was no hidden motive, no grand attempt to say something that would spur reconciliation, no pressure to find the right words. There was simply the desire to express my love for them – my desire to see and be with them – and my empathy for the sad and painful situation in which they find themselves.

Beyond that gem of self-awareness, I find myself calmly aware that I can choose to reconnect on Facebook…but not rushing to it with a compulsive need.  I want to continue my newly restored habit of writing and calling more.  But, even there I’ll simply take on today – showing gratitude for the gentle rain – thankful for the chance to be alive and share that aliveness with others.

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Will you be my used car salesman?


I was talking to my therapist today about how I’ve been disappointed recently with some people in my life. Several people have either said or done things that were not what I was expecting from friends – they let me down. I have been feeling sad, frustrated and sometimes angry.

I’m sad because I feel like I need to cut my losses with a couple people in my life because of their actions, so I’m ending a relationship.  Grieve and replace.

I feel angry because I think they violated a “boundary” or expectation I have around how friends behave.

That’s where I got my lesson in used cars.

“People often mistake being friendly with being friends,” my therapist pointed out to me. “That’s particularly challenging when someone like yourself is rebuilding friendships and relearning what it takes to be a friend and to have friends.” He then proceeded to describe a used car salesman — friendly as can be, “has your best interest at heart,” is willing to “go to any length” to get you the best deal.  He asks me about my dogs, my family, my birthday, my favorite coffee at Starbucks.  But, as my therapist points out, “you know he and the sales manager are figuring out how much they can get out of you.” And, do I ever hear from the guy again?  Nope…unless I need a new car.

“So don’t mistake being friendly, respectful and helpful with someone who is willing or able to be your friend.”

I can see this pattern even in how I perceive people to be around me in recovery. I go to 12 step meetings and everyone is friendly, supportive, helpful. I start to think (and I know I do!) – wow, everyone in here is my new-found friend – bringing with that certain expectations about how friends interact.  It’s a pattern in how I relate to people at work, or as far back as my “Christian cult days” in Ann Arbor, MI.  I have such a deep void right now in my life as I rebuild and relearn who I am, that I’m anxious to connect and make friends. Then when these “new-found friends” lash out at me, or don’t respond to a request for assistance with a project, or don’t include me in social events I get sad, frustrated and angry.

But have they really violated a boundary or reasonable expectation?  Or, am I perceiving our level of “friendship” as more than it really is – and therefore having unrealistic expectations?  This doesn’t question their sincerity or authenticity in the rooms – or in business, or wherever I might run into friendliness and misinterpret it for friends. Perhaps the used car salesman analogy falls apart here — my apologies to any used car salesmen for the stereotype 🙂  I do believe the folks around me are helpful, friendly, supportive and nice. But, that a friend does not make – perhaps, so I’m being told. And since I do trust my therapist, I’m staying open-minded, willing to take this as a lesson in life and a lesson in my recovery as an addict.

What are my expectations of certain individuals?

And how do I grow in my understanding and ability to discern between acquaintances, friends and confidants?

As my sponsor would encourage me, start with some definitions!  So, I’ll end here – grab my dictionary (or wikipedia!)- and cuddle up with my dogs for some unconditional love. Because with them, there are no unrealistic expectations — it’s unconditional love 24 hours a day.  That and eat, sleep, poop.  Not a bad life 😉

From Wikipedia on the Value of Friendships:

Value that is found in friendships is often the result of a friend demonstrating the following on a consistent basis:

  • The tendency to desire what is best for the other
  • Sympathy and empathy
  • Honesty, perhaps in situations where it may be difficult for others to speak the truth, especially in terms of pointing out the perceived faults of one’s counterpart
  • Mutual understanding and compassion
  • Trust in one another (able to express feelings – including in relation to the other’s actions – without the fear of being judged); able to go to each other for emotional support
  • Positive reciprocity – a relationship is based on equal give and take between the two parties.

 

From Wikipedia on Types of Friendships:

Acquaintance: a friend, but sharing of emotional ties isn’t present. An example would be a coworker with whom you enjoy eating lunch or having coffee, but would not look to for emotional support. Many “friends” that appear on social networking sites are generally acquaintances in real life.

Best friend (or the closest friend): A person with whom someone shares extremely strong interpersonal ties with as a friend.

BFF (“best friend forever”): Slang used primarily in the USA by teenage and young adult women to describe a girl friend or close best friend.

Blood brother or blood sister: Either people related by birth, or a circle of friends who swear loyalty by mingling the blood of each member together.

Bro: Slang used primarily in the USA and New Zealand by teenage and young adult men to describe a boy friend or close best friend. This term is currently used to describe the modern generation of college-age male party-goers. The name is typically associated with attention-seeking males who like to get drunk and party constantly.

Sis: Also slang used primarily in the USA like “Bro” but for women and girls.

Buddy: In the USA, males and sometimes females often refer to each other as “buddies”, for example, introducing a male friend as their “buddy”, or a circle of male friends as “buddies”. Buddies are also acquaintances that you have during certain events. The term may also refer to an online contact, such as the AOL Buddy List.

Casual relationship or “friends with benefits”: A sexual or near-sexual and emotional relationship between two people who don’t expect or demand to share a formal romantic relationship. This is also referred to an open relationship or a “hook-up”.

Family friend: A friendship extended to family members of the friends. Close relation is developed in those societies where family setup is strong. This term usually used in subcontinent.

Comrade: Means “ally”, “friend”, or “colleague” in a military or political connotation. This is the feeling of affinity that draws people together in time of war or when people have a mutual enemy or even a common goal. Friendship can be mistaken for comradeship.

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