Category: General

An explanation and apology…as best I can via the web.


I’m grateful to be “on the other side” of a valley — but as is sometimes the case with my loud mouth and unfiltered comments, I have some damage control to do – “taking ownership for my sh**” as they say.

Or as one Christmas sign says, “Santa, I have some ‘splaining to do…”

 

It’s clear you’re upset about some things Todd, and I’m so sorry..however, you just managed to insult a whole lot of people in one fell swoop

I’ll lead off by saying that none of these words “justify” my actions or behavior over the last month, and in particular the last week.  There is damage that has been done to some relationships, which will possibly linger “under the surface” for quite some time.

For those who know me, and know my battle with addiction and mental illness (depression, mood swings, etc), some of this will be easier to understand. For some who don’t know me or my journey to “get here,” it may not even come close to explaining my actions and behavior. I understand that – I simply ask for as much compassion and tolerance as you’re able to offer.  And I’ll live with the consequences…because that’s part of taking responsibility and owning “my sh**.”

This year, life continues to happen – even with some of the grounding and framing I set out for 2015 in my “brand” and personal intentions for 2.015.

While I don’t want to go through all of what has been going on “behind the scenes” per se, suffice to say that continuing to look for part-time employment and considering a move to North Carolina in 2015 have brought me face-to-face with some of my demons and some of my past (many of which I’ve written about on my blog here before…)

Personal events in 2009 and 2010 have fundamentally changed my path in life, and either closed some doors permanently or is keeping them closed for several more years…  And while none of the information is new, facing the topics and roadblocks again is hard…and sparks off some grieving and a range of feelings from anger, to sadness, to resentment…  And, I sometimes let those flow over into comments and actions that have hurt others (as the quote above says!)

Of course, having our timelines for the move to NC change again (probably not until 2016!) set off another set of reactions and feelings – and grieving…

And, then last week, a friend that I used to run around with in my using days passed away from heart failure at the age of 23.  A couple people in my life knew about this, but not many…so that was working in the background, bringing about its own feelings, grieving, regrets, self-loathing and fear.  So young…

Lastly, an individual who robbed me last year and has been “AWOL” / missing for a year suddenly contacted me because he was “embarrassed” that I had posted about the burglary / house invasion.  That resurfaced some of the pain of that trauma…

 

As I’ve shared before, like most people, I’m trying my best, with good intentions – but am imperfect and will fall short sometimes.  So, if I’ve said or done something recently that hurt you – I’m truly sorry.  I’ve tried to “clean up” some of the damage that was posted to Facebook or the web – and as importantly, focused on personal apologies and conversations where the pain / damage was perhaps greatest.  And, I need to “regroup” and get back to better managing my issues and shit, such that they don’t “come out” in such ugly ways.  It’s a life-long process for me…so I’m doing my best, and try to patient and compassionate with myself (and others!) along the journey.

With some exceptions, I rarely intentionally hurt others – but when I do (intentionally or unintentionally!), where I’m aware, I do endeavor to go back and make amends.  So, if I’ve hurt you and we still need to clear the air, even after this post, please let me know.  Of course, as I aspire to as much as I can (and will still fail!), please express your unmet needs and valid feelings in an objective manner that allows me to hear and receive your feedback. Silence is by far the worst of all choices. Passive-aggressive behavior I can work through; silence robs us both of a growth experience and an ability to connect.

Perfectly imperfect,

Todd

 

 

 

My heartfelt and heartbroken, confused dedication to John.


What a difference a year makes. Life has given me a chance to create new memories of leaving town, celebrating my birthday, and returning home. I was blessed to be able to do this surrounded by love, light, authenticity at Playthink 2015 with my fiancé Brandon, several hundred kindred flow artists in a sacred and holy place and space in Berea, Kentucky. I returned home to an intact house, well maintained by a trusted friend Jonathan who took care of our home and our dogs as one would like and expect, unlike John Bodine and Drupy a year ago. Thank you for this gift, Brandon and friends.

At morning welcome circle yesterday, I shared with the circle it was my birthday. They sang Happy birthday to me and invited me to the center of the circle. I shared with them briefly of my experience just a year before, returning from a family cruise and birthday celebration to a destroyed house, stolen credit cards and stolen jewelry which has never been recovered and was not covered by renter’s insurance. I shared how important it was to be able to recreate new experiences and memories from the weekend and the return home, and Spirit and Place honored my request. The group gave me a group hug and the rest of the day, I was greeted with more love and loving greetings than a single person should be allowed on his birthday…and for that I was grateful. Thank you.

Returning home and re-entering routine life is always a transition that takes its toll on my emotions. I still would never give up the experience of travel. The goal is simply to minimize the collateral damage… I’m sorry for hurting someone already with my emotionally charged words, but I know you know this came from my own pain, disappointment and hurt. I’m sorry I was selfishly wrapped up in my own emotionally high to have missed your request for peace and quiet. Life happens, and we continue to love and forgive as we do.

You complete me. Thank you for my geode, and for being my rock, my circle of life, my rainbow.

ctfuqua's avatarThe Magical Storybook of Professor Peacock

Whenever I play this song, which I heard Cher sing in concert, I think of you. Sometimes there is still anger, and often there is confusion and always lack of closure. And I still sometimes get sad… But these are the words meant for you, from me…from my heart.

I still care for you and wish you the best. I hope you find what you’re looking for…

For John Andrew Bodine

These clouds aren’t going nowhere darling,
Rain keeps coming down.
I just thought I’d try to call you,
‘fore you got too far outta town.

And I hope that you get this message that I’m leaving for you.
‘Cause I hate that you left without hearing the words that I needed you to…

I hope you find it, what you’re looking for.
I hope it’s everything you dreamed your life could be and so much more…
And I hope…

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When Jews were funny, and Poles hospitable, and Germans firmly loving…


I stumbled upon an amazing self portrait of “Jewish comedy in America and its links with Jewish immigrant culture” on Netflix last night. I was transported back in time to my childhood, and realized how much of this “same time” influenced my upbringing – if not directly, then indirectly.  [When Jews Were Funny…]

When Jews Were Funny
When Jews Were Funny

I’ve written here before about my first generation Polish-American grandmother, and her experiences during the Roosevelt administration as a teacher of American citizenship.  At her 90th birthday party and other family gatherings towards the end of her nearly 101 years on earth, we started to record stories from Mee-maw, realizing that with her would pass a wealth of family knowledge, stories and connections. (Though, we soon realized that our Aunt Joanie and others “from her generation” still possessed the memories of hearing these stories growing up – and yet, as Aunt Joanie says, “still young enough to remember them!” so all is not quite lost…yet.)

One of these stories from Mee-maw talks about her teaching experiences…and another, about how she and Pop-pop met and fell in love – a “clash” of religious and ethnic cultures that brought Polish Catholicism and German Lutheranism together at a time when “mixed marriages” of this sort were still dismissed or questioned, at least within the family if not “out in the world.”  She also talked (proudly) of “dumb Americans” – and told us how she said her prayers (in English and in Polish…)  [Watching the movie “When Jews Were Funny,” I was reminded of this story…but I won’t spoil the surprise…just think of me at the end of the movie, and smile!]

As I think about the “marriage debate” going on in our country today, I realize on one hand how far we’ve come…  Even though my grandfather, in his stoic, conservative German-ism, “disowned me” in his final act (his Will), writing me out of it because of my being gay, I realize that he still loved me as his grandson.  His strong grip, firmly grasping my kneecap…  The many hours spent flying in his single engine plane, exploring America…  The large family gatherings with family members of all generations, including many Polish friends and family who “took residence” with my grandparents as they emigrated from Poland…  Their home was a place of refuge, where Mee-maw was able to talk with them in Polish, teach them English, and my grandparents could help them with some odd jobs and income, thus “landing on their feet” in this land of opportunity and prosperity.  What a unique opportunity…to live in and around this “diversity,” not fully realizing (until even now) how the mix of religion, culture, food and family stories would shape my early memories.

So, even though his final, painful dying act was one of “rejection,” I realize that it came from a dying man, very sick and in more pain than we probably ever realized – dying of prostate cancer at a time when we knew far less about cancer, and could treat it even less.  If I compare his one act (even though it has been quite painful at times to accept, being “reminded” of it in 2013 when Mee-maw passed) with the rest of the way he lived his life and expressed his love to me…”firmly loving” – I realize I have a LOT more data to say that he embraced me than not.

What a gift…on this Good Friday, when the cross of Jesus reminds me yet again how common some of our roots are across generations – across religions – across cultures.  Going to High School in New Jersey, near grandparents who were post-War parents – I now realize how much Jewish immigrant culture (and Polish…and German…) colored the lens through which I saw the world – in many good, and sometimes awkward ways…but it all shapes who I am today, and for that, I’m grateful and will…”keep telling the story.”

I think I’ll end here…I probably have a warmer, clearer picture in my mind of the wonderful gifts of love and compassion than I’m fully expressing here…  Just know that it’s all good, and right, and salutary…  😉