Category: General

My heartfelt and heartbroken, confused dedication to John.


What a difference a year makes. Life has given me a chance to create new memories of leaving town, celebrating my birthday, and returning home. I was blessed to be able to do this surrounded by love, light, authenticity at Playthink 2015 with my fiancé Brandon, several hundred kindred flow artists in a sacred and holy place and space in Berea, Kentucky. I returned home to an intact house, well maintained by a trusted friend Jonathan who took care of our home and our dogs as one would like and expect, unlike John Bodine and Drupy a year ago. Thank you for this gift, Brandon and friends.

At morning welcome circle yesterday, I shared with the circle it was my birthday. They sang Happy birthday to me and invited me to the center of the circle. I shared with them briefly of my experience just a year before, returning from a family cruise and birthday celebration to a destroyed house, stolen credit cards and stolen jewelry which has never been recovered and was not covered by renter’s insurance. I shared how important it was to be able to recreate new experiences and memories from the weekend and the return home, and Spirit and Place honored my request. The group gave me a group hug and the rest of the day, I was greeted with more love and loving greetings than a single person should be allowed on his birthday…and for that I was grateful. Thank you.

Returning home and re-entering routine life is always a transition that takes its toll on my emotions. I still would never give up the experience of travel. The goal is simply to minimize the collateral damage… I’m sorry for hurting someone already with my emotionally charged words, but I know you know this came from my own pain, disappointment and hurt. I’m sorry I was selfishly wrapped up in my own emotionally high to have missed your request for peace and quiet. Life happens, and we continue to love and forgive as we do.

You complete me. Thank you for my geode, and for being my rock, my circle of life, my rainbow.

ctfuqua's avatarThe Magical Storybook of Professor Peacock

Whenever I play this song, which I heard Cher sing in concert, I think of you. Sometimes there is still anger, and often there is confusion and always lack of closure. And I still sometimes get sad… But these are the words meant for you, from me…from my heart.

I still care for you and wish you the best. I hope you find what you’re looking for…

For John Andrew Bodine

These clouds aren’t going nowhere darling,
Rain keeps coming down.
I just thought I’d try to call you,
‘fore you got too far outta town.

And I hope that you get this message that I’m leaving for you.
‘Cause I hate that you left without hearing the words that I needed you to…

I hope you find it, what you’re looking for.
I hope it’s everything you dreamed your life could be and so much more…
And I hope…

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When Jews were funny, and Poles hospitable, and Germans firmly loving…


I stumbled upon an amazing self portrait of “Jewish comedy in America and its links with Jewish immigrant culture” on Netflix last night. I was transported back in time to my childhood, and realized how much of this “same time” influenced my upbringing – if not directly, then indirectly.  [When Jews Were Funny…]

When Jews Were Funny
When Jews Were Funny

I’ve written here before about my first generation Polish-American grandmother, and her experiences during the Roosevelt administration as a teacher of American citizenship.  At her 90th birthday party and other family gatherings towards the end of her nearly 101 years on earth, we started to record stories from Mee-maw, realizing that with her would pass a wealth of family knowledge, stories and connections. (Though, we soon realized that our Aunt Joanie and others “from her generation” still possessed the memories of hearing these stories growing up – and yet, as Aunt Joanie says, “still young enough to remember them!” so all is not quite lost…yet.)

One of these stories from Mee-maw talks about her teaching experiences…and another, about how she and Pop-pop met and fell in love – a “clash” of religious and ethnic cultures that brought Polish Catholicism and German Lutheranism together at a time when “mixed marriages” of this sort were still dismissed or questioned, at least within the family if not “out in the world.”  She also talked (proudly) of “dumb Americans” – and told us how she said her prayers (in English and in Polish…)  [Watching the movie “When Jews Were Funny,” I was reminded of this story…but I won’t spoil the surprise…just think of me at the end of the movie, and smile!]

As I think about the “marriage debate” going on in our country today, I realize on one hand how far we’ve come…  Even though my grandfather, in his stoic, conservative German-ism, “disowned me” in his final act (his Will), writing me out of it because of my being gay, I realize that he still loved me as his grandson.  His strong grip, firmly grasping my kneecap…  The many hours spent flying in his single engine plane, exploring America…  The large family gatherings with family members of all generations, including many Polish friends and family who “took residence” with my grandparents as they emigrated from Poland…  Their home was a place of refuge, where Mee-maw was able to talk with them in Polish, teach them English, and my grandparents could help them with some odd jobs and income, thus “landing on their feet” in this land of opportunity and prosperity.  What a unique opportunity…to live in and around this “diversity,” not fully realizing (until even now) how the mix of religion, culture, food and family stories would shape my early memories.

So, even though his final, painful dying act was one of “rejection,” I realize that it came from a dying man, very sick and in more pain than we probably ever realized – dying of prostate cancer at a time when we knew far less about cancer, and could treat it even less.  If I compare his one act (even though it has been quite painful at times to accept, being “reminded” of it in 2013 when Mee-maw passed) with the rest of the way he lived his life and expressed his love to me…”firmly loving” – I realize I have a LOT more data to say that he embraced me than not.

What a gift…on this Good Friday, when the cross of Jesus reminds me yet again how common some of our roots are across generations – across religions – across cultures.  Going to High School in New Jersey, near grandparents who were post-War parents – I now realize how much Jewish immigrant culture (and Polish…and German…) colored the lens through which I saw the world – in many good, and sometimes awkward ways…but it all shapes who I am today, and for that, I’m grateful and will…”keep telling the story.”

I think I’ll end here…I probably have a warmer, clearer picture in my mind of the wonderful gifts of love and compassion than I’m fully expressing here…  Just know that it’s all good, and right, and salutary…  😉

2 weddings and a funeral – six lives of “quiet inspiration!”


I recently wrote about a joyous event in my life – my engagement to Brandon, with a ceremony planned for sometime next year. But I’d also like to share the stories of three other couples we’ve come across recently. Their stories, while not uncommon, show the silent strength and courage many have shown, living lives of quiet inspiration!

While onboard our cruise, we came across a same-sex couple who – after 29 years of living together, unrecognized by their home State as a couple – had finally been able to get married last year. Can you imagine – 29 years of life, love and pursuit of happiness…and 29 years of discrimination, lack of legal recognition, and (probably) an inability to celebrate anniversaries as proudly as opposite-sex couples do in such settings. Their story profoundly touched us – helping us to remember that while we were going to be able to consider a legal union in Indiana, many couples had made significant life commitments without the benefits we now have (and hopefully, won’t take for granted).

We wanted to do something special for them – even on a small scale, because their story (in stark contrast to ours) literally brought us to tears. Brandon took one of the roses from our “romance bouquet,” and we walked up to the spa to meet the couple. We gave them the rose, and then shared our stories with one another. Afterwards, there were hugs and kisses – and I know we left slightly more humbled, and slightly more grateful for the changes afoot.

He said yes...but they said "yes" 29 years ago!
He said yes…but they said “yes” 29 years ago!

Last Friday, we attended another celebration of love. A local same-sex couple – together for 19 years – were finally able to “tie the knot.” And while this scene has played out hundreds of times across our State of Indiana in past months, this was the first “wedding” we were attending as an engaged couple.  (Yay!)  So again, it had particular significance for us. And, given my Lenten journey last year in protest of a local bakery, it was particularly exciting to see (and taste!) the amazing custom cake made for the special couple.

Having our cake - and eating it too (quietly...)!
Having our cake – and eating it too (quietly…)!

Marriage in its most basic form is a public celebration of a couple’s love for one another. And while legally, we are now able to participate in this sacred ceremony, in many churches, such unions are still either forbidden by the denominations’ governing laws – or such unions are celebrated nonetheless in some churches, in quiet protest against and in technical violation of their denomination’s governing laws. So while the State recognizes such unions, some clergy, who conduct such unions for their members who want to celebrate their love for one another as well as their faith in God, face serious consequences should word ever “leak out.” So, despite our “progress,” many same-sex couples who have a spiritual life may still go about their public celebration in “quiet inspiration,” keeping photos and specifics out of social or news media for fear of jeopardizing their pastors’ livelihood. Room to grow, I’d say…but still, progress!

And finally, I recently learned of a friend who had a serious car accident as a result of a brain aneurysm and subsequently died after a week long coma at the age of 55. He and his life partner had not chosen to get married – though that would likely not have changed much of what happened afterwards. The living partner still faced rejection from his former partner’s family, in spite of 20+ years of being together as a couple.

I knew something was “up” when I read Ted’s obituary. There was no mention of his partner, Steve, in the list of survivors. REALLY!  How scary – and sad.  Overlooked, forgotten, ignored…choose your poison.  [Unfortunately, I have changed the names, feeling compelled to protect the living partner from any further pain…] I have since learned that not only was Steve not included in the obituary, when Ted’s family decided to “pull the plug” after a week-long coma, they didn’t invite Steve to be at the hospital, at his partner’s side. Then, to make matter’s worse, Ted’s family didn’t allow Steve to attend the funeral.  WTF!

Yes, Governor Pence, in 2015, bigotry and hatred still exist – not just at your State’s level (with the recent passing of your religious freedom law).  But on a very personal level, at a time when someone should be able to grieve and say good-bye to his or her life partner…they find themselves excluded from health care decisions, funerals and more I’m sure.  And sadly, this has been repeated many times, in silent desperation, in spite of our progress on other fronts…

So with mixed emotions, I celebrate the life of these three couples – their love is inspirational.  I hope others agree, and will continue to help us fight discrimination, hatred and bigotry at every level…