Category: General

When Jews were funny, and Poles hospitable, and Germans firmly loving…


I stumbled upon an amazing self portrait of “Jewish comedy in America and its links with Jewish immigrant culture” on Netflix last night. I was transported back in time to my childhood, and realized how much of this “same time” influenced my upbringing – if not directly, then indirectly.  [When Jews Were Funny…]

When Jews Were Funny
When Jews Were Funny

I’ve written here before about my first generation Polish-American grandmother, and her experiences during the Roosevelt administration as a teacher of American citizenship.  At her 90th birthday party and other family gatherings towards the end of her nearly 101 years on earth, we started to record stories from Mee-maw, realizing that with her would pass a wealth of family knowledge, stories and connections. (Though, we soon realized that our Aunt Joanie and others “from her generation” still possessed the memories of hearing these stories growing up – and yet, as Aunt Joanie says, “still young enough to remember them!” so all is not quite lost…yet.)

One of these stories from Mee-maw talks about her teaching experiences…and another, about how she and Pop-pop met and fell in love – a “clash” of religious and ethnic cultures that brought Polish Catholicism and German Lutheranism together at a time when “mixed marriages” of this sort were still dismissed or questioned, at least within the family if not “out in the world.”  She also talked (proudly) of “dumb Americans” – and told us how she said her prayers (in English and in Polish…)  [Watching the movie “When Jews Were Funny,” I was reminded of this story…but I won’t spoil the surprise…just think of me at the end of the movie, and smile!]

As I think about the “marriage debate” going on in our country today, I realize on one hand how far we’ve come…  Even though my grandfather, in his stoic, conservative German-ism, “disowned me” in his final act (his Will), writing me out of it because of my being gay, I realize that he still loved me as his grandson.  His strong grip, firmly grasping my kneecap…  The many hours spent flying in his single engine plane, exploring America…  The large family gatherings with family members of all generations, including many Polish friends and family who “took residence” with my grandparents as they emigrated from Poland…  Their home was a place of refuge, where Mee-maw was able to talk with them in Polish, teach them English, and my grandparents could help them with some odd jobs and income, thus “landing on their feet” in this land of opportunity and prosperity.  What a unique opportunity…to live in and around this “diversity,” not fully realizing (until even now) how the mix of religion, culture, food and family stories would shape my early memories.

So, even though his final, painful dying act was one of “rejection,” I realize that it came from a dying man, very sick and in more pain than we probably ever realized – dying of prostate cancer at a time when we knew far less about cancer, and could treat it even less.  If I compare his one act (even though it has been quite painful at times to accept, being “reminded” of it in 2013 when Mee-maw passed) with the rest of the way he lived his life and expressed his love to me…”firmly loving” – I realize I have a LOT more data to say that he embraced me than not.

What a gift…on this Good Friday, when the cross of Jesus reminds me yet again how common some of our roots are across generations – across religions – across cultures.  Going to High School in New Jersey, near grandparents who were post-War parents – I now realize how much Jewish immigrant culture (and Polish…and German…) colored the lens through which I saw the world – in many good, and sometimes awkward ways…but it all shapes who I am today, and for that, I’m grateful and will…”keep telling the story.”

I think I’ll end here…I probably have a warmer, clearer picture in my mind of the wonderful gifts of love and compassion than I’m fully expressing here…  Just know that it’s all good, and right, and salutary…  😉

2 weddings and a funeral – six lives of “quiet inspiration!”


I recently wrote about a joyous event in my life – my engagement to Brandon, with a ceremony planned for sometime next year. But I’d also like to share the stories of three other couples we’ve come across recently. Their stories, while not uncommon, show the silent strength and courage many have shown, living lives of quiet inspiration!

While onboard our cruise, we came across a same-sex couple who – after 29 years of living together, unrecognized by their home State as a couple – had finally been able to get married last year. Can you imagine – 29 years of life, love and pursuit of happiness…and 29 years of discrimination, lack of legal recognition, and (probably) an inability to celebrate anniversaries as proudly as opposite-sex couples do in such settings. Their story profoundly touched us – helping us to remember that while we were going to be able to consider a legal union in Indiana, many couples had made significant life commitments without the benefits we now have (and hopefully, won’t take for granted).

We wanted to do something special for them – even on a small scale, because their story (in stark contrast to ours) literally brought us to tears. Brandon took one of the roses from our “romance bouquet,” and we walked up to the spa to meet the couple. We gave them the rose, and then shared our stories with one another. Afterwards, there were hugs and kisses – and I know we left slightly more humbled, and slightly more grateful for the changes afoot.

He said yes...but they said "yes" 29 years ago!
He said yes…but they said “yes” 29 years ago!

Last Friday, we attended another celebration of love. A local same-sex couple – together for 19 years – were finally able to “tie the knot.” And while this scene has played out hundreds of times across our State of Indiana in past months, this was the first “wedding” we were attending as an engaged couple.  (Yay!)  So again, it had particular significance for us. And, given my Lenten journey last year in protest of a local bakery, it was particularly exciting to see (and taste!) the amazing custom cake made for the special couple.

Having our cake - and eating it too (quietly...)!
Having our cake – and eating it too (quietly…)!

Marriage in its most basic form is a public celebration of a couple’s love for one another. And while legally, we are now able to participate in this sacred ceremony, in many churches, such unions are still either forbidden by the denominations’ governing laws – or such unions are celebrated nonetheless in some churches, in quiet protest against and in technical violation of their denomination’s governing laws. So while the State recognizes such unions, some clergy, who conduct such unions for their members who want to celebrate their love for one another as well as their faith in God, face serious consequences should word ever “leak out.” So, despite our “progress,” many same-sex couples who have a spiritual life may still go about their public celebration in “quiet inspiration,” keeping photos and specifics out of social or news media for fear of jeopardizing their pastors’ livelihood. Room to grow, I’d say…but still, progress!

And finally, I recently learned of a friend who had a serious car accident as a result of a brain aneurysm and subsequently died after a week long coma at the age of 55. He and his life partner had not chosen to get married – though that would likely not have changed much of what happened afterwards. The living partner still faced rejection from his former partner’s family, in spite of 20+ years of being together as a couple.

I knew something was “up” when I read Ted’s obituary. There was no mention of his partner, Steve, in the list of survivors. REALLY!  How scary – and sad.  Overlooked, forgotten, ignored…choose your poison.  [Unfortunately, I have changed the names, feeling compelled to protect the living partner from any further pain…] I have since learned that not only was Steve not included in the obituary, when Ted’s family decided to “pull the plug” after a week-long coma, they didn’t invite Steve to be at the hospital, at his partner’s side. Then, to make matter’s worse, Ted’s family didn’t allow Steve to attend the funeral.  WTF!

Yes, Governor Pence, in 2015, bigotry and hatred still exist – not just at your State’s level (with the recent passing of your religious freedom law).  But on a very personal level, at a time when someone should be able to grieve and say good-bye to his or her life partner…they find themselves excluded from health care decisions, funerals and more I’m sure.  And sadly, this has been repeated many times, in silent desperation, in spite of our progress on other fronts…

So with mixed emotions, I celebrate the life of these three couples – their love is inspirational.  I hope others agree, and will continue to help us fight discrimination, hatred and bigotry at every level…

A gay engagement breakfast at Tiffany’s – our ‘aha’ moment at sea!


Part One

I returned this week from an amazing seven-day cruise – relaxing, entertaining and fun. It was also particularly special because I proposed to my boyfriend on Day #2. I joked with another couple on the cruise beforehand that I’d either be the happiest man on the ship…or be looking for a cabin/couch to “crash on” for the rest of a VERY awkward vacation!

Fortunately, “he said YES!”

So, the roses that were waiting for us as part of the ship’s “romance package” didn’t go to waste…  

The dinner at the Italian restaurant was both delicious and romantic; I found the “right moment” to transition on to one knee and ask Brandon to “take our relationship to the next level!” (Yep, I’m a hopeless romantic, and wanted this to be memorable!)

In traditional terms, it was an engagement proposal to marriage – and was very memorable and meaningful for us both!

Just so you don’t get the impression this was a “storybook” unfolding of events, it came with a VERY stressful lead up to the dinner because of a hasty “last minute” read on my part about the detailed arrangements included in our romance package and dinner reservation…

Yes, I messed up – “life happens” as they say,
and I went from “0 to bi&%^” in about 2.3 seconds!

Thankfully, Brandon gently “led me” through my pre-dinner meltdown to  a heartfelt “moment of truth”
(aka ‘come to Jesus’ session) on the ship’s aft stairwell,
helping me to regain some perspective.
(One of the many reasons I love this man…)

What he didn’t fully know at that moment was…
…I had hidden motives for wanting everything to be PERFECT!

Thankfully, I humbly walked through grace
to accept the wisdom of the Serenity prayer…  

“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change…
and the courage to bust someone’s ass if they get in my way!”

Well, something to that effect…

Honestly, this prayer is one of the most powerful tools I learned during my recovery and I’m grateful Brandon helped me “return to center…” because the rest of the evening, thankfully, was PERFECT!

Part Two

Fast forward from “YES” to our aha moment!

We enjoyed the rest of the cruise together, along with a short visit to Miami afterwards. During that time, we found simple “engagement rings” to wear until we figured out the timing and specifics of our wedding. Without thinking much about it, we bought matching rings on one of the islands, and went on about celebrating life, love and our engagement.

I have to admit, it was pretty cool.  I understand the “power of a moment” – shared between us, as well as with others both on and off the ship.

We had people on the ship, who “witnessed the event on bended knee,” who congratulated us on our engagement.

We showed others on the islands and in Miami our rings, proudly announcing that we had gotten engaged aboard NCL’s Getaway and were looking to “get married” sometime in 2016. We even posted a couple of pictures on Facebook about our news during a brief “wired session” at an internet café on St. Thomas, as well as via the ship’s “onboard postcard” iSnap booth. Like any “young couple in love,” we were giddy with excitement and glad to share our news.

Side note: I’m sure I’m not the first guy who ‘jumped the gun’ by sharing his news via Facebook…and upsetting some family members in my haste. We were both so wrapped up in the excitement and – as you’ll see this unchartered territory – that we didn’t even think about “how to share the news” with family.  This was made more complicated by limited phone service / internet access on our cruise.  But, all excuses aside, regrettably and understandably, I ruffled some feathers… And it was all my fault – I screwed up.  Argh.  I’m sorry!  I hope to mend those bridges soon, and get things off to a better start with some of his family…  

but for now, let’s get back to the fun part of the story!)

He said YES!
He said YES!
Our "Sugarmoon" kiss!
Our “Sugarmoon” kiss!
Rings to prove it...
Rings to prove it!  (But…what is “it” exactly?!)

We got some questions along the way, as you might expect…

Fortunately, the response from friends, family (and strangers who’d listen!) has been 110% positive.

One man I spoke with whom I spoke on the ship is a strong Christian. Admittedly, I was a little weary of how he might respond given my bias/prejudice at times towards the more conservative right.  Of course that’s my “shit” – my baggage – my “narrative” based on some events in my past. But more often than not, my fear of rejection and shame is usually unrealized – as it was in this case.  The man spoke of marriage as a “visible celebration of a couple’s love for one another” and could see that as worthy for anyone in love – gay, straight, bi, Thai…  How healing that conversation was for me, given my own lingering shame and internalized homophobia (on which I’ve written here before…)

But the question we probably weren’t ready for was
“Did you guys get married too?”

Huh?  What?  Married?!

It struck us both as a little odd – though given our reality, we could understand how some might think we jumped head on into this and tied the knot right away!

But it still “ate at me” a little – like “really, do you think we’d elope?!” (putting it in traditional terms) right there on the Norwegian Getaway!?!

Of course, that would be ok…but it started to reveal a deeper truth – giving us insight into a “new era” in LGBT relationships that, at least for us, was playing out for the first time.  Like much of my “coming out,” there are few role models for us to look towards.  That’s both exciting and scary at times!  Let me explain…

Gay marriage has been “in the spotlight” for several years, as countries across the world have been evolving into accepting the reality that gay couples deserve to be recognized just like straight couples.  Setting aside any religious or faith-based aspects of a ceremony, there are some very real, practical benefits to being legally married.  (And, some real, practical risks as well!  To death do us part…)

However, what we’ve largely seen (at least what I’ve largely seen…) are “existing couples,” many of whom have been living and loving together for years, formalizing what most of their family and friends already know and accept.  They may have been in a “domestic partnership” (legally) – but marriage is only a recent option for many (at least in parts of the US). So, there’s been, if you will, a “backlog” of marriages, where folks are simply are simply catching up to where they could have, should have been all along.  It’s like playing Monopoly – they were able to pass through “Go!” without collecting $200…they had essentially “already been there, done that” but now had the “marriage T-shirt” to show for it!

Grand Marriage Equality Wedding Event

But, what about the “rest of us!” who are still in the courting, dating phases of our LGBTQ relationships…who are weighing the spiritual, societal, physical, emotional and financial “benefits” of “popping the question” and taking our relationships to the “next level…” – from “dating” to “engagement” – a step that traditionally comes with an engagement ring.

But, our path is far from traditional!

For many of us, myself included – at 46! – we’ve never even thought about the possibility of getting engaged (in the traditional sense), because it was never an option!  Like much of our “coming out stories,” this is new territory…something for which most straight men and women are prepared, and perhaps “take for granted.”

As we thought about this more, we started to realize that the question “did you guys get married, too?” was coming from the “traditional frame of reference,” because we had “shown the world” our two rings!  And this would normally symbolize marriage!  Wow!  Aha!  Now I get it…wow!

Part Three

Now we’re faced with more questions than answers!

After all, what do you do when a man proposes to another man?  Who gets the ring?  Do both get a ring?  How do our “engagement rings” compare to or evolve to our “wedding bands?” Does one wear the ring on the right hand, or the left hand?   Do we start with the right, then switch when we get married to the left?

So many questions…so it was time to Google!

Tiffany Campaign Features Gay Couple for First Time
Tiffany Campaign Features Gay Couple for First Time

And the results only underscored our personal “aha! moment!  And thankfully, we’re not alone!

This is unchartered territory (for us at least) – and for many others.

Our society is “getting used to” gay marriage, and I believe it’s only a question of time before all States in the US recognize it (at least on paper).  We’ve “broken the race” barrier and (finally) elected a Black President.  African-American parents no longer have to raise their kids, telling them “you’re smart, you’re kind, you’re important” – and can be or do anything you want in this life….except become President.

It’s only a question of time before parents will also be able to give their children guidance on engagement and marriage, whether that be gay, straight, or bi!

This was emphasized at the start of our cruise, when I read about the White House’s brief to the US Supreme Court, outlining why the various State bans on gay marriage were unconstitutional.  We even referenced the 36-page brief as we shared our news – not realizing that as that reality “settles in” to our collective conscience, we now have this new pre-cursor as well…

“Gay Engagement!”

As with much of our narrative, there are no rules – no traditions.  For better or worse, it’s up to the couple to create our own traditions, our own reality.  Of course, in doing so, sometimes, we will either have to explain or clarify things to others, who may see things (as they have) through their own filters, their own “traditions.”

But I’m ok with that…as is my fiancé!

Hmmm…I do like the ring of that…pun intended!

I’ll close with a collection of links I found from my Google search on “gay engagement.”

Thanks for walking with us from “YES” to “aha!”

 May we all continue to inspire each other to greater understanding, peace and health.

Gay Engagement