Since 2019, I’ve been increasingly involved in bringing #CelebrateUU to life. When I first came up with the idea of celebrating #CelebrateUU anniversaries, I had no idea it would grow to a citywide exhibition. It’s a #BigMagic moment, from a book I read about the creative life (Big Magic, by Elizabeth Gilbert). I’ve learned to go with my creative flow, investing the time and energy, then seeing how far the Universe wants to me take the idea.
For the month exhibition, I’m grateful for sponsorship from the MCPHD Ending the HIV Epidemic Task Force, as well as Roberts Camera. I’m also grateful to the Marion County Library for allowing me to show my art in their public spaces. Through this project I learned of this FREE exhibition space – available to resident artists in Marion County!
#JustTheTip Campaign
I’ve had some creative setbacks this year – though I don’t like that language or self-talk, but it is my unfiltered mind response. I try to rephrase things today, to something like I have a great idea to raise awareness around harm reduction, and will be looking for new creative sponsorship or grant funding in 2025. There. The fact that I didn’t get the Indy Arts Council Arts for Awareness grant funding stream still stings a little. But, I have come to re-see this as a “not now, but…” response, not a “no, never” response from the Universe. That’s why I have networks with the @Indy Rainbow Chamber of Commerce, which has now gone statewide. I’ve also learned that @StepUp could be a reliable fiscal sponsor. They already serve that role for other statewide coalitions. This would allow my to ask for contributions that would be tax-deductible, that would fund the full project. I learned a lot from the grant response Q&A session after the notice of non-acceptance. It truly was a learning process – and I can’t wait to bring the #JustTheTip campaign to Indiana, on whatever level that looks. #BigMagic
Closing Out #CelebrateUU
So, when the stylized portrait phase of #CelebrateUU comes to a close on December 29th, I’ll have a huge time void. I’ve been asking the Universe to give me ideas, so I can hit the ground running. A creative life without projects is a dead one – or dying one. I’ve learned that the hard way.
I’ll have the input from my art intervention, where I ask people “How Did This #CelebrateUU Exhibit Make You Feel?” – inspired my a artistic mentor of mine. Thanks Al Duvall. HT to Dr. Carrie Foote, because I borrowed some inspiration from your workshop creative introduction. I’ll find ways to work quotes from that intervention into future social media posts, to keep working at HIV stigma through the stylized portraits and stories.
I know I want to continue to work in the HIV space artistically, but not ignoring HIV criminal reform, harm reduction, mental health, recovery, mental health. I will continue to champion the selfie portion of #CelebreateUU. That hasn’t taken off quite like I’d hope to based on the original concept. But there is time….
I’ve also thought about taking CelebrateUU statewide, or even nationally. If I could work the photo taking into a presentation or workshop, then I could take this on the road to Positive Living or US Conference on HIV/AIDS.
I know I want to get back into the @CToddDudeoir groove, and have already started that with a shoot with Logan Bloir, who I met through Man Crush Mania. I played with some of his images today. More to come…
#BodyPositiveSexPositive
I hope this isn’t passé. But, here’s my pitch to the Universe.
I want to do a creative B&W nude portrait series to promote stories of sex and body positivity. Whatever that looks like to the person(s).
Could be individuals, couples, thurples.
I’d want it to be a diverse set of individuals – age, gender identity, gender expression, sexual orientation, etc etc. I’ve learned to trust the Universe to bring me the right people. It may take time, but they show up. As they say, build it and they will come!
I like combining the storytelling with photographs. I think I want to do the series in the people’s home to be more intimate. This is out of my comfort zone – I like the control of studio lighting. So I may change my mind but location aside, it’s one of the next projects I want to work on.
The doubter in me has already started in on me. But anxiety is telling me to do this for with people who have lived experience with HIV, HepC or harm reduction. I may narrow that later. Make it a series on sexual health, wellness and prevention.
That’s what is unique about this project in terms of focus and storytelling. I’ve wanted to do something in the HIV space and I realize now that stigma is very real in both areas – well all three, so I think there is a creative trifecta here.
My goal is to start work in this in January, after I’ve completed my #celebrateuu project. Not sure what that looks like at first – but I’ll dive in and start creating.
The new challenge will be finding funding so I can give participants a reasonable stipend for sharing their story and image. But I’m getting better at writing grants and could find help to locate donors or grants. In the meantime, I can do it time for print, where in exchange for their time, people get a select set of images from the photoshoot. I prefer cash.
I’m preparing thoughts for an upcoming podcast conversation with Halle Pino on recovery and harm reduction. I want to bring in the aspect of Chemsex recovery & harm reduction, since that has been a part of my story and is something I don’t think we talk about enough – especially in the queer community.
I also fired my last therapist because I don’t respect him or his approach to therapy. After a month of waiting, I finally heard from my new therapist. So I feel like I’m going out on a first date, and it might be helpful to capture some of my story to know where to pick back up with therapy. So welcome to my TedTherapyTalk. Enjoy the ride!
Chemsex: How I Got Here
“Chemsex means using drugs as part of your sex life, and it’s most common among gay and bi men. There are typically three specific ‘chems’ (drugs) involved: Methamphetamine (Crystal Meth), Mephedrone (Meth), GHB and GBL (G).” – Source: The Rainbow Project
Chemsex is often referred to as “party and play” or “pnp” on gay hookup apps.
People participate in chemsex for various reasons. For many of us, these party drugs enhance our sex drive or allow us to keep at it for extended play sessions. For others like me, substances help reduce inhibitions. I have a lot of hangups about gay sex from my upbringing and society in general. So, using a substance helps me push off some of that internalized homophobia and stigma around gay sex, around butt sex, around sex in general.
Gay sex still makes me uncomfortable sometimes, but we need to get more comfortable talking about sex and sex education. My ignorance, fear, chaotic substance use, lack of routine STI testing and bad timing led to my HIV diagnosis in 2012. I’ve been undetectable ever since but living with HIV is an entirely different level of stigma, even today in the LGBTQ+ community. That’s why authors like Dr. Fawcett call this “the perfect storm” – the intersection of men, drugs and a virus. (I bring up his research later…) It shows up on all sorts of levels for many of us, particularly on a deeply personal level. So no wonder I choose to use substances that help me overcome all of these layers.
When I was hard into the party scene, I found that chemsex also gave me a heightened feeling of intimacy – at least in moderation or in the beginning. Sadly for many like me who may not be able to control our use of certain substances, it often leads to the antithesis of intimacy. In recovery from chemsex substances like GHB and meth, I’ve had to slowly relearn – or if we’re totally honest, learn for the first time in my adult life – what true intimacy is.
Like many gay men, I have always chased beauty and youth almost to a fault. I’m far from a natural beauty, so I’ve also struggled to connect with guys – particularly as I age. (Yes the irony of those two statements is not lost on me. I’m a product of my generation, coming out as a gay man in the 1980’s and 90’s). I’m socially awkward and not very good at flirting. Alcohol is a good social relaxer for me, and my drinking doesn’t cause major consequences in my life. But, when “pnp” was involved, everyone’s inhibitions were lowered and guys who might not otherwise want to play around with me were more likely to get naked with me if they were high. And since I was often the privileged white guy who bought the meth or GHB, I found a lot of beauty and youth!
The other aspect of my life that contributed to my addictive choices that led to a chemsex addiction can be summed up as relationship grief & loss as an adolescent and young gay adult, coupled with religious trauma during my college years. From my research, it isn’t uncommon to find some sort of abuse, loss, or trauma in the gay community that contributes to the higher rates of addictive behaviors.
Intersectionality: LGBTQ+ & Addiction
I know. Terribly cliche. But here’s what I found in my research:
Gay and bisexual males and females were two to three times more likely than their straight counterparts to have used illicit drugs other than marijuana in the past year.
About one third of bisexual females, bisexual males, and gay males had a substance use disorder (SUD) in the past year. About one fourth of lesbian females had an SUD in the past year.
Bisexual females were three times more likely than straight females to have had an opioid use disorder in the past year.
I recently wrote an Arts for Awareness around Harm Reduction. I did a fair amount of research on harm reduction, particularly in the gay community and particularly in the Black community with men having sex with men. Sadly, we didn’t get the grant award but it was an amazing learning process for me to research more and form more of my own beliefs around harm reduction. I should publish parts of it some day just because of the research. But here are some quotes from what I learned.
“Together, we can challenge stigma, promote safer substance use practices, and pave the way for a future where harm reduction is not just an option but a fundamental aspect of addiction recovery”
Harm reduction is an evidence-based approach to addressing substance use disorder (SUD) that emphasizes minimizing the negative consequences of substance use rather than solely promoting abstinence. This strategy is supported by research, practical interventions, and endorsements from public health organizations. Harm reduction initiatives, such as needle exchange programs, have been effective in reducing the transmission of HIV and hepatitis C among injection drug users by providing access to clean needles. Additionally, naloxone distribution programs have significantly reduced overdose deaths by equipping individuals at risk of opioid overdose with life-saving medication and training. (I think I had help with that from ChatGPT…just being honest.)
Today, I stick to weed and poppers – so California sober I believe, that’s my harm reduction. And I do enjoy true sober sex – it just doesn’t come naturally for me anymore. It’s something I’m working on.
For me, harm reduction extends to almost every facet of my life. I’ve even navigated to a point where I’m ready to do some deeper work – and I’ve found a combination of choices and experiences around harm reduction and recovery that works for me. So let’s keep digging…
Harm Reduction & Chemsex Recovery
My journey wasn’t just about overcoming addiction; it was also about confronting the realities of ChemSex, a facet of my past addiction and recovery journey that remains largely unspoken, particularly within our local harm reduction landscape. Known colloquially as “party and play,” ChemSex presents unique challenges, especially within the LGBTQ+ community, where it’s prevalent among men who have sex with men. I’ve witnessed firsthand how much of our harm reduction efforts focus on injection drug use and needle exchange programs, often overlooking the complexities of ChemSex-related harm. – Todd Fuqua
Many individuals who combine sex and drugs do so safely, employing harm reduction practices to protect their health and that of their partners. These individuals often feel satisfied with their drug use and its effects on their sex life, seeing no need for change. Source:https://ourhealthyeg.ca/chemsex
And then there are the rest of us. For me, I am unable to combine sex and drugs like crystal meth or GHB and do so safely anymore. For me, it’s the combination of the two – the chemsex – that can be so debilitating and a difficult choice to recover from. I didn’t discover the concept of chemsex until around 2021 – a good number of years into my recovery journey. I discovered the book “Men, Meth & Lust: A Gay Man’s Guide to Sex and Recovery” by David Fawcett Phd – and got connected with a weekly online support group for chemsex recovery. There’s been a lot of growth since then, and I am always in a state of recovery and growth. But let’s go back to the early days!
When I first got into recovery, we didn’t know about chemsex – at least not here in Indiana. This was 2010. So like many who struggled with what I now know to be a chemsex addiction, I was stuck with siloed recovery settings. I could go to one twelve-step fellowship for my drug addiction, but to really understand and take control of my sexual addiction, I went to another fellowship. And people in one fellowship didn’t always understand or want to understand the other addiction. Like much of American healthcare, we act in silos in much of our recovery community, particularly here in Indiana.
For 11 years, I struggled with this “disconnect” until I came across the term “chemsex” in my own research. My therapist at the time and I brought Dr. David Fawcett’s research and book into our therapy sessions. We learned together how fused these two addictions really are and why it’s such a touch one to overcome, because it’s literally about rewiring our brains. I found insight, support and growth attending an online chemsex support group for a period of time in 2021-2022. The only thing I haven’t done yet is sit down with a licensed sex therapist or sexologist, to explore some of my sexual patterns and fantasies to grow as sexual person. Sadly, insurance doesn’t pay for that level of work. So, no sex education in school – leaving us all to stumble our way through and figure it out…but don’t help us unlearn the fucked up stigma that contributed to my own mental, physical, emotional and sexual health. It’s a wonder so many of us in the queer community struggle with complex addictions.
So I’ve come to a point that works for me that would get me kicked out of traditional 12-step groups if I were to be honest. So, I choose not to go anymore. But, I will say that I learned a LOT of recovery in each of the fellowships, and for the first 5-10 years of my life in recovery, I learned new skills and patterns for showing up in the world, in community and in relationships. This was all through the twelve step fellowships. So although I don’t practice it today, I found a strong foundation for my recovery today. Fortunately today, a good foundation can be found in many paths to recovery.
One of the tools I learned is The Three Circles, where we have an inner, middle and outer circle of behaviors that are literally “shades of grey” to help define tends or patterns in sexual health (or other forms of recovery and addiction, even substance use!) They’re not just circles, they are a part of your plan to avoid slipping back into old habits. (Check out this article on The Three Circles).
There are elements that are healthy for us (the outer circle) that we try to practice to the best of our ability. Then there are the hard boundaries or things we want to avoid or stop doing – these are the inner circle. In traditional twelve-step language, these would be considered a relapse. In harm reduction, I’m much softer with myself – but that’s with a strong foundation in more traditional “black and white” thinking. I’ve grown, as has our collective understanding. Then there are the “middle” circle behaviors, which can be thought of as warning signs or grey zones – things that could lead us to our inner behaviors or thinking. Some call this the in-between zone.
With sexual addiction and recovery, you can’t think “all or nothing” because we are sexual beings – one can’t give up sex completely. It’s about knowing our boundaries. Same holds true for chemsex recovery. For me, the inner circle would be using a chemsex substance during sex. But I’m ok with using weed – it helps me relax, reduces my inhibitions and feels good! I might put weed in the middle circle – a warning sign, but not an unhealthy practice. For me.
In true harm reduction form, a person might define “having anonymous sex” as any of these circles – depending on their life circumstance, beliefs, wants or needs. Where something falls, or if it’s even on the map, varies for each person. For me, pornography was never a thing – so it wasn’t even on the map. It just wasn’t part of my sexual patterning. For me, my middle circle might include time spent chatting on the apps. It’s not a bad thing – there are no real consequences in my life other than a lot of wasted time. But, it’s a bit of a warning sign. It’s a signal for me to catch myself and ask the questions – what’s going on? how am I feeling? why might I be feeling that way? Interrupt the cycle, the addiction thinking, the desire to numb or check out. That for me is what I’m wanting to avoid.
Another way that harm reduction shows up for me as a recovering chemsex addict is I practice ethical non-monogamy with my partner. He is my primary sexual and romantic partner, but we both have outside interests, sometime shared. I have a high sex drive, and haven’t found monogamy to be a helpful “black and white” thinking for my recovery. Dr. Fawcett talks about sexual patterning, and for me, much of my sexual patterns were formed in my early 20s, in reaction to deep relationship and religious trauma. I’m working on balancing that sex drive and curiosity with connection and intimacy – but I’ve come to accept that there are certain patterns I can’t change, or choose not to at this time. So, I’ve found a middle ground that works for me, keeps me in a healthy, balanced recovery.
With harm reduction from a chemsex addiction, the three circles can become quite complex to map out – but very helpful to do so! I think I just found my first assignment to do with my new therapist – a Three Circles on my harm reduction approach to chemsex recovery and ethical non-monogamy! I have it in my mind, and we’ve talked about it at home. But it would be helpful to write out.
My consequences have always been during times of chaotic substance use with meth and/or GHB. My consequences in 2009 were much worse when I first entered treatment for an addiction to meth. I lost my career and my house. My consequences were difficult in 2012, when I was diagnosed with HIV and stage 2 syphilis. My consequences were rock bottom for me in 2014, when I was robbed twice and physically assaulted on once of those instances of robbery. Since then, I’ve crawled out of the meth pipe, finally putting it down in 2018.
Today, my consequences are much less severe. Worst case, seeking out new sexual encounters online adds to my depression, self-confidence and anxiety – or I might get an STI. I’m at least getting tested every six months, so that contributes to my health. Best case, it wastes a lot of time! And I’m ok with that – just for today.
Life in Recovery: We Do Recover
Even before I picked up my first substance at 33, I struggled with connection. I suffered from severe religious trauma during college, and suffered a tragic breakup with a guy I was dating at 22. I was a romantic at heart who boarded up his heart and didn’t let anyone get too close. I’m “attachment avoidant” and learning about true intimacy has been difficult to put in practice at times. Recovery is slow, and really a lifelong practice for me because my default it is to chase sexual activity over friendships, connections or intimacy. My therapist helps, as does my understanding and patient husband. And that book and those support groups.
Call to Action
Get help. Check out your area for in-person harm reduction support groups. Look online for harm reduction support groups, especially under the keywords Harm Reduction Works. There is an awesome Facebook group. I’ve found other local resources online. And if there is nothing in person, consider starting a Harm Reduction Support Group! I did in partnership with BU Wellness Network. We are currently reforming, and are meeting on the 1st and 3rd Tuesdays at noon at BU Wellness Network, 1712 N. Meridian, Indianapolis.
If you’re reading this and you’ve had experience with chemsex and are in any form of recovery, I strongly encourage you to get a copy of Dr. Fawcett’s book and integrate his approach into your own recovery program. It changed the lens through which I see my life in recovery and helped move me to a deeper understanding of chemsex addiction and recovery. When you’re ready, try out the weekly support group too. There are others – and other books. These are just the ones that worked for me.
Really? It’s 2023 and we’re still doing the “are you clean?” thing? As if having an STI implies you’re “dirty”. Or worse, if you’re living with HIV, you’re “dirty” – not clean.
We really are stuck in the 1980s!
What we do know is if you’re viral load is undetectable, then HIV is untransmittable – also known as U=U or U+ for short. You can’t transmit HIV to your sexual partners. Full stop.
What we do know is if you haven’t tested positive for HIV, you can go on medication called PrEP. One pill daily that is 99% effective at preventing someone from acquiring HIV.
When U+ and PrEP are combined, it means great sex! Full steam ahead!
From an HIV point of view, condomless sex IS possible and safe! (For protection against other STI’s, please consider use of condoms, and ensure routine testing of all common STI’s).
Many of the dating and hook-up apps now offer the following options to communicate your HIV status: HIV-negative, HIV-neg on PrEP, HIV-positive, HIV+ and undetectable. THAT’s progress. THAT’s science. That’s 2023, not 1980!
Maybe someone reading this will think differently, act differently, communicate differently.
The Magical Storybook of Professor Peacock 