Author: ctfuqua

I see life as full of possibilities and the world full of beautiful people possessing unique and often untapped talents. I’m a learner and connector, seeking ways to leverage the abundance in this world through strong community.

Unresolved anger at mom for dying of untreated alcoholism 


[read my prior post first on feelings…]

I’m in long term recovery for addiction.  

As I’ve written here before, my addiction first manifested itself as I used sex to try to feel better about me, to hide from unresolved grief and loss, to numb the pain of broken relationships and divorce. 

It progressed to included alcohol before exponentially changing for worse as I began to use illegal substances – progressing quickly from light use to regular use of heavy drugs.  

All the same illness – substance use and abuse disorder.  The substance just varied over time to include people and drugs.

 

So why then do I have such a hard time with alcoholics? 

I can understand the hardest core Meth addict. While I never did heroin, I can empathize with a heroin addict.

But put me around a drunk and I find myself with a lot less sympathy. More often than not, I will over react and fly off the handle. My tone is condescending and paternalistic.

 How dare they…  Anger and rage erupt. I verbally rip people to shreds. I raise my voice – ok I yell.  

How dare she…

How dare she ignore our pleas to get help. 

How dare she stop seeing her GP when he told her if she kept up her drinking, it would kill her. 

How dare she die before her 100 year old mother. 

How dare she die of untreated alcoholism. 

How dare they risk the same lonely death as my mom. 

How dare they end up like a friend’s uncle just this week – found dead in his kitchen, just as mom was found dead in her den.  The likely cause of his death could be what the doctor told us about mom’s untimely death on the floor of her family room. 
Untreated alcoholism. 

Now I understand my intolerance, my rage. 

It comes deeply from an unhealed wound. 

Now the work begins. Or continues. 

Grief is a process. And it has reared its head again, to let me know I’m still hurting.  A little boy, crying along without his mama. 
Only now can I heal further. 

Only now can I stop hurting those around me who struggle with an addiction to alcohol.  

Only now can I begin to show them the same compassion, tolerance, understanding, empathy and support I’ve been shown.  

Only now can I stop confusing my anger at mom with someone in front of me. 

Thank you, anger 

Thank you, rage. 

Your days are numbered now. 

From http://www.iosproject365.com/ctoddcreations

 
Fri, March 11, 2016: 

Mom died unexpectedly at home three years ago from untreated alcoholism. It was a shock to the entire family. But as I look back, we’ve grown closer as a family. I’ve also internalized the reality of addiction on a deeper level. I also treasure the presence and comfort of my dad at her funeral. Even though they had divorced some 20+ years prior, he came to support his three children as we buried our mom. He was a pall-bearer. I so appreciate him and our stronger, closer relationship.  

This is an angel from from my mom’s garden. She sits up in the rafters of our porch, looking down on those who come and go from our house watching over us with peace, love and light. 

I love you mom. I will also be your little boy. 

What should anger be telling me?


I have a temper. 

I can sometimes overreact to a situation. 

I grew up in a household and an extended family where tempers flew, usually dispropotiatrly to the situation. 

Apple, tree…

I used to ignore, suppress, otherwise dismiss this scary emotion because of my experiences growing up.  Being in a right wing fundamentalist Christian cult during college only served to underscore the belief that feelings are not facts – that we should “un-feel” and not give in to irrational feelings.  Being in twelve step groups early in recovery emphasized the same point, that feelings are not facts. 

With enough therapy, I can now call bullshit. Feelings are the looking glass, the mirror, the magnifying glass into how are needs are either being met or not met.  We may not have to act on them like we want to. I may not have to overreact and act out from the rage and anger that boils up inside of me. But, that feeling is my best chance at figuring out what’s going on. Only from that insight can I make different choices, resolve the unmet needs, and find healing. 

Without that step, the pattern of losing my temper, lashing out and overreacting will likely repeat itself time and time again. 

My next post will show how this has helped me figure out what’s really going on.  But first, I had to face my demon – my rage – my fear – my feelings. 
Thank you Chris C, Mike M and others who helped me face my rage. 

Shame on Facebook for making pornography widely accessible and for making money off it 


Dear Facebook

I posted this to my feed to expose your inappropriate and unprofessional conduct. Shame on Facebook for making a profit off of pornography and for making it more generally available to a larger population without appropriate safeguards. 

A lightbulb just went on. Couldn’t figure out why all these men are popping up on Facebook as porn stars / lewd content. 1. Facebook added feature where you can send money to other users. 2. Facebook added live video feeds.  

So in the name of money and power, Facebook has become a porn site. Great. What do parents think of this?! Did you realize? 

I reported three of these porn stars to Facebook. All they do is block them from my feed so they don’t actually remove the porn star from face book for inappropriate contact using their own guidelines (nudity, suggestive sexual content, etc)