Tag: working the program

Day 87 – 30 day misery back guarantee!


I opened yesterday’s mail this morning.  Note to self – DON’T do that again before morning meditation and prayers…and coffee!

I received all of the paperwork from my separation.  COBRA decisions…life insurance…401K rollover.  The blessing is I have the ability to make these choices.  But, it’s still overwhelming.  How do families with kids do this?  My company recently started their ~30% workforce reduction cuts — I was told of at least two married couples with kids who were both let go.  Without a salary, how do they even face the morning like I do?  All these decisions to make – such little time – and no income.  It could be paralyzing.  Some days it is – I didn’t get out of bed on Monday.  (Note the gap in journal entries!)  But, if I just focus on staying clean and sober for today…and do the next right thing, face the next decision, and pray for peace…I can make it.  God didn’t bring me THIS far to abandon me!

I’m reminding of a phrase from my treatment time and early days of sobriety (not THAT long ago!)  “If you’re not completely satisfied and convinced that recovery can work – we will gladly refund your misery.”  Yep, it’s the 30-day misery back guarantee.  At any point, I can choose to go back to the using – the drinking – the escape – the numbness.  And at any point, I know what that will bring…isolation, depression, misery, despair.  Every morning, part of my prayers includes acknowledging that I am powerless over my addiction.  For a couple of seconds, I allow myself to think back to December 21, 2009 and remember my bottom.  Is that what I want to return to?  Really?

Thankfully, no.  Despite the overwhelming feelings at times — the tough choices — the feelings of anger and betrayal that resurface on days like today — I know that each and every day of sobriety I’ve enjoyed has been far better than any day of using.  Even my WORST day in the past 87 was far more livable than my days in addiction.  And for that, I’m grateful.

I’ll let that misery back guarantee expire.  There is no turning back.

Day 86 – Prozac for addiction? Would you take "the pill?"


Someone brought up an interesting question tonight.  There are some medications out there to help curb cravings or make you sick if you drink.  If they came up with a pill that would “cure” addiction, would you take it?  If it meant taking a pill for the rest of your life – would you swap recovery, meetings and working a program for a pill?

It raises an interesting question…

For me, I fall back on what I learned about Prozac and other anti-depressants.  They aren’t the cure for depression – just like Xanax was never intended for long term treatment of anxiety.  The idea behind anti-depressants is to stabilize one’s brain chemistry to allow one to work on the root causes of one’s depression.  Believe it or not, the drug companies never intended the Prozac’s to be the end all solution — at least as I understand it.  And I used to work for one…

So for me, whether there is a pill or not — the key for my recovery was realizing that drinking wasn’t my problem…using wasn’t my problem  As one guy I know introduces himself, “Hi I’m an addict – and Brian is my problem.”  For me it was the feeling of not fitting in — the low self esteem.  I am a perfectionist and never felt like I (or others!) could live up to my standards.  I am a people pleaser.  I worry about what people think about me.  I feel like I’m an impostor at work and someday, someone is going to figure me out and call me out!   That was my thinking…my mental (and ultimately spiritual!) malady.  That’s what I have to work on…the comparisons, the judgments…my sense of self, my sense of worth.  The alcohol or drugs were just another attempt to fill that emptiness I felt inside.

What I’ve grown to appreciate is that we all feel that to one degree or another — we all have our insecurities.  None of us are perfect; we’re all broken.  Thankfully, in my brokenness, I found a connection with my Higher Power — for me, it’s God.  And in that relationship, I’ve learned that He loves me no matter what.  He loves me because I’m His precious son.  He loves us all because we are unique, treasured children of God.  And, because we’re separated from Him, we have a void…a hole that we try to fill in so many futile ways.  That’s my problem.

I’m learning that even with my low self-esteem, it’s my ego that is at the root of my illness.  My ego gets in my way of my loving God — of my fellow human beings — of my own need for wholeness.  The more I learn to leave my ego out — to accept my brokenness and in that acceptance, find forgiveness and grace — the more I find what I’ve so desperately sought.  I’ve tried to find it in work, in relationships, in sex, in alcohol, in drugs, in constantly moving from one state or country to another.  None of that will ever suffice.  I need to stop running, stop chasing the next high, stop looking for someone to “complete me.”  I just need to surrender to my Higher Power.  Once I understand and accept that spiritual brokenness, I can see others as the same — broken, forgiven, and in need of God’s love manifest in others.

It’s a long road…and whether they find a pill or not, the hard work still has to be done.  The Truth has to be sought and found.  This is a physical, mental and spiritual disease.  Pills may work on the physical cravings; they may even someday help with the mental brain chemistry.  But only prayer and a spiritual relationship with one’s Higher Power will mend the spiritual part of this disease.  And that is the beauty of recovery!

Day 81 – Embracing my feelings as a human being


Today, I met with my realtor about putting the house on the market.  I also talked through my financial situation with an accountability partner – sizing up the reality that is facing me.  I got through everything fine.  Oh wait – what does FINE stand for?  Fucked up, insecure, neurotic and emotional.  Or something like that…  I wasn’t that bad!  It’s just that fine is about as descriptive as interesting, or good or nice.

This evening, I had plans to go to a meeting.  But after cooking dinner and singing/dancing to some fun music, I laid down on the bed to rest.  My mind started wandering…and soon I was throwing myself a small pity party. It was slowly creeping up on me.  I started to feel it…funk funk…  Next thing I know, I didn’t want to get out for my planned meeting!

I text’d a brother “MS” from the program and got my fix. He reminded me that when we don’t feel like going is exactly when we need to go!  For me, it’s the equivalent of my insulin shot…hitting a meeting. And where I am now…getting through my changes and losses…I need it daily!!!  If I skipped an insulin shot or two as a diabetic, I could die.  If a skip a meeting or two right now, I could die.

My accountability partner caught me getting too wrapped up in making money – in having a job – in having a plan.  Until my first court date in April, there’s not much point in making too many plans.  In order to become a “productive member of society” as the text tells us, I must work on my recovery.  He rightfully challenged me to stop worrying about not working.  Like many, I place too much of my identity in my work – on what I do, or how much I make.  That’s changing – for the better.  I’m learning to value me for who I am – and others for who they are.  But, change is uncomfortable – unsettling – unfamiliar!  Recognize it…and work through it.  It will take time – and practice.  Now’s my time to practice!  What a gift!

Not so long ago (!) I talked about recognizing the desire and need to be a human being rather than a human doing.  What does that really look like?  Well, right now – it means being grateful that for awhile, I have the means to not have to focus on getting a job.  With some savings and equity in my home, he helped me figure out about how long that could be.  That provides some relief — some space to “be.”  I need to focus on my recovery – strengthening my foundation through meetings, workshops/working the steps and hanging out with people in recovery.  On the financial side, I need to sell me house.  It’s a cash flow thing…and right now, my outflow is hurting me more than my lack of inflow!  I figured out today that the savings I will realize by moving to an apartment translates to the equivalent of a job that would pay me about $15/hour for a normal work week.  So, that’s my job now – and it “pays!” It slows the bleeding financially.

Nothing else matters right now than getting more sobriety under my belt and selling my house.  That gets me through the next five weeks until court.  And when I know a bit more, then I can focus on my “B game” or “C game” – to get me into a basic living situation and job that will allow me to spend the good 12-18 months it’s going to take to solidify this recovery.  So, slow down, CT…stop trying to figure out, discern, listen to what’s next…stay in the moment. I’m right where I need to be.  I just need to do the right next thing…and not get too far ahead of myself.  Be real and easy does it!

As for my feelings, this “chat” sums things up best…how I ended my evening after a good meeting, some time of reflection, and a walk in my old neighborhood downtown!

MS: Glad you made it to the meeting  You ok?
Me: Yea. Just sad
MS: Why u sad?
Me: Feelings just catching up with my reality. Grieving losses.
MS: Just keep positive, your head held high. This to shall pass. Everything will be ok
Me: Yea I know. My heart knows it will be. And the good news is I can feel and it’s ok. I don’t have to run from them or be controlled by them. So my heart knows it will be ok and I can still be sad. That’s an odd combination for me, “Mr. Intellectualize and Ignore My Feelings” 
MS: U r so funny. Its good u r feeling the emotions. It’s a healing process
Me: Amen.  Gonna go home and throw on loud arias and deep blues songs and have a cleansing and healthy cry