Tag: surrender

Poetry in Motion – The Book of Awakening


Those of you who know me or follow any of my writing know that Mark Nepo is an author who has changed my world view – opening me to the possibility of healing, of authenticity, of hope.  These past few months have been dark, and some around me have tried to come with me beyond the glass, forcing their views and their help and their worry upon me.  For me, Mark’s entry on this day speaks volumes to what we can and can not do for one another…

The living terrain of relationship actually exists in the overlap of our inmost natures.[…] Every authentic relationship becomes a home where we return from our solitary communions with God.

Never was this clearer to me than when wheeling Anne, my partner of twenty years, to the operating room where she would have surgery for cancer. I went as far as I could and watched her grow smaller through the glass doors. I realized then that […] each of us must go beyond the glass doors of our experience alone.  And the work of compassion is to guide our dear ones as far as we can and to be there when they return. But no one can go beyond the glass doors for us or with us.

~ Mark Nepo, The Book of Awakening – (entry for July 31, p. 253)

Being stuck with choices


[I started this draft on December 21, 2011.  I never finished it.  I’m positing it now because it captures where I was at the time.]

The worst place for this addict to be stuck is up in my head.  Having been sick for the past six days hasn’t helped me either.  I’ve been stuck home alone in varying degrees of pain and discomfort, restless and discontent.  Thus far, the holidays had been joyful and upbeat.  But, my inner peace has been slowly unraveling, the weight of my circumstances bearing down on my heart.  I’ve allowed myself to drift away from the spiritual connections that have kept me grounded despite the daily grind.  I’ve reverted to isolation, which only feeds my loneliness and self-pity.  And stuck in self-pity is a dangerous place for this addict to find himself.  I shouldn’t be surprised – I didn’t end up here by accident, or by some outside force that dragged me here against my will.  I ended up here by a series of choices — either actions I took, or failed to take, in response to circumstances in my life.

And, with the same relative ease that allowed me to slip into this dark place, I am able to make different choices which will bring me back to a place of acceptance, peace and joy.  I can recenter myself by letting go, and letting my Higher Power resume control.

The choice is mine.

When wrestling for life, the battle itself matters not


Today we heard the story of how Jacob wrestled with an Angel. At one point, he asks the Angel his name, to which came the response “Why is it that you ask my name?”  But he didn’t get an answer.  Instead, Jacob was blessed. In other words, he won the battle and his life was spared. In fact, Jacob even names the place Peniel, which means “It is because I saw God face to face, and yet my life was spared.”

Pastor Mike drew parallels to the struggles we all have in life. It doesn’t really matter what the battle is – we all have our “bad” – we all have our issues. For me, it’s been addiction. For others, it’s depression, or financial bankruptcy. But, in reality, it doesn’t matter what the problem is. That’s why Jacob doesn’t get an answer to his question – the Angel’s name didn’t matter. The battle itself didn’t matter. What matters is how we face our struggles. Do we face them with hope and determination? If so, then like Jacob, we are blessed.

When it comes to my recovery, the battle with the Angel analogy plays out a little differently for me. I find my victory and peace by surrendering my will each day — not by some show of force or strength.  But the connection for me in the story was more about the commonality in our battles – the “namelessness of it all.”  Like they say in the rooms, look for the similarities not the differences.  I am not better than or worse than. I am special, I’m just not unique.  I am right sized. We all have our battles to fight.  In that I find comfort and connection and support.

I also reflect upon my own journey where there were moments of utter despair and hopelessness where life didn’t seem worth living. Thoughts of suicide played out in my mind. The day I hit bottom and entered treatment, I had even come close to taking my own life — the closest I had ever come in my mind to carrying out a plan. But in a moment of hope, I found the strength to make a different choice.  I chose life.

And I was blessed.

“It is because I saw God face to face, and yet my life was spared.”

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