Tag: powerless

Am I Wired Differently? Am I Really? Two words remind me…


We know well the two things that make up true addiction: obsession and compulsion. Obsession—that fixed idea that takes us back time and time again to our particular drug, or some substitute, to recapture the ease and comfort we once knew. Compulsion—once having started the process with one fix, one pill, or one drink we cannot stop through our own power of will. Because of our physical sensitivity to drugs, we are completely in the grip of a destructive power greater than ourselves.

The physical aspect of our disease is the compulsive use of drugs: the inability to stop using once we have started. The mental aspect of our disease is the obsession, or overpowering desire to use, even when we are destroying our lives.

NA Basic Text

After my initial arrest and sentencing to probation for illegal possession, I found myself in a relapse last year which resulted in six months of house arrest for probation violation.  A friend asked me, “Didn’t you know the legal consequences of doing illegal drugs?” When I answered yes, she couldn’t understand why — knowing that — I would continue to use.  That’s when it first really sunk in for me and I understood that I am really wired differently.

The mental obsession, the physical compulsion…non-addicts just don’t have it.

Around the time of my last hearing for my probation violation, a friend who is not in recovery said something to the effect of, “It’s just eight more months. Wait this out and get on the other side of probation clean without any other violations. Heck, at that point if you want to have the biggest using party go ahead – just don’t do it while you’re on probation.” While I know that is ludicrous and goes against every grain of my recovery and self-awareness, that comment hasn’t left my mind in over two months!  I don’t think of it daily – but probably at least a couple of times a month it’s come back to me. I know that wasn’t his intention – and this isn’t about everyone becoming P.C. and having to censor/watch what they say around me. It’s my addiction, my responsibility for recovery. However, that it’s engraved in my mind is another sign of the mental obsession.

I’m wired differently.

Then today, out of the blue – after almost five months of no contact – I get a text from an unknown number. It’s clearly my former dealer. Pushing his wares. I was in the middle of a meeting a church when the text came in.  And I had to fight for the rest of the meeting to stay focused. I could feel a slight ‘rush’ in my system when I read the text and figured out what it was about. As I walked home, I told myself to delete the text and number right away. But, this addict mind hesitated…played out a couple of scenarios of how I might be able to grab something, use it in a controlled fashion, slip under the radar screen of probation. Really?  Wow, I’m wired differently. Then, I applied the tools of my recovery – the ones I failed to apply when I relapsed last year. I played the tape through and reminded myself how ugly things had gotten. I replied, “Please delete my number and do not contact me again.”  I prayed. I called my sponsor. I had a message from another addict (who called during the same meeting) who was in need of help – I called him back. I will share it with other addicts throughout this week to keep me honest.  I am even writing this to keep me honest in a way and remind me that yes – it’s a real battle out there. But, if I apply 100% of the tools I’ve learned, 100% of the time – if I rely on my Higher Power because ultimately it’s not my strength that gets me through – if I’m vigilant in working this simple program on a daily basis – then yes – just for today, I can stay clean and sober.

Am I wired differently?

Absolutely.

Am I a victim of that situation?

Absolutely not!

Life on Life’s Terms 101: A Primer for Living


I attended a 12-step meeting this morning. The topic was “gratitude.”

A woman shared her gratitude for this particular meeting and the things she learned from people in the meeting. She told how things she learned along the way helped her this past week with some news she received.

On Thursday, she found out she has breast cancer.

“The first thing I did was write out a gratitude list.  That, I learned from K.”

“The second thing I did was recite the Serenity Prayer like we do at every meeting.  It meant a little more to me that afternoon – particularly the part about accepting the things I can not change.”

“Then I applied steps 1, 2 and 3.  I’ve learned that from T. and G. and others here in the room as they went through major events in their life. I felt a peace, knowing that my Higher Power was with me and would be with me throughout this.”

At the end of the meeting when we celebrated birthdays, she picked up her 23-year token.

This is a simple program.

End of lesson.

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FUNK: Talking, Discovering, Resolving. What Am I Waiting For?


I’m in a funk. And, it’s bugging me because I don’t like being in a funk. And I don’t know why.

Part of me says, “just allow myself to feel and be in the funk. I’m powerless over my feelings. I can’t control them.” I’ve been told to just apply the 12 steps to my feelings, and find acceptance. Find serenity in the things I can not change.

But, then I struggle with another tool my therapist has helped me with — using feelings to get in touch with what’s going on — using my feelings to identify what events led to my feelings in order to resolve the initial event with healthy actions.

EVENT —>   THOUGHTS (interpretations) —> EMOTIONS —> ACTIONS

For example, when I’m sad, it’s because there is a loss, or the ending of something. The unhealthy reaction I’m used to is to numb the feeling, or to replace the loss with something so I don’t have to feel the sadness. The healthier action is to grieve, to let go. Once I’ve lived through that sadness and grief, then I can replace. “Grieve and replace” instead of just “replace.”

EVENT —>   THOUGHTS (interpretations) —> EMOTIONS —> ACTIONS

Loss or ending in a relationship—————————–> SAD ———>  Grieve and Replace

But that tool is not helping me so far because I haven’t figured out what’s going on.

Or maybe I know why, and I just don’t want to dig there. Because I still don’t trust my emotions.

 

Then there’s this other angle on being in a funk: the only thing we can control is how we react to situations. Well, I can’t change my feelings. I feel funky and sad — and I don’t know why, and I don’t know what to do with it. And I’m not able to just turn it off and say, “good morning – I choose to be happy today.”

And that bugs me.

And confuses me.

I’m struggling.

I’m not using.  I’m not running from it.  Though, I guess I am ignoring it — not digging into the feelings and letting them clue me into what is going on. I am checking out – sleeping – isolating.

And what I realize is I don’t process well. I don’t talk to anyone regularly about what’s going on in my day – never did, and probably haven’t for so long because I’ve been alone or on my own. I have also managed to keep people away – avoiding intimate friendships or relationships. But, I know when I do talk about events, situations in my day, I am able to see (or be helped to see) what’s going on, and how I’m feeling. If I don’t get it off my chest or diffuse it or learn to resolve the initial event with healthy action, then it festers, grows out of proportion and becomes a mountain.

So here I am again.

Realizing I’m alone – by choice – and that wall gets me to the same place every time I bang my head against it.

Nothing changes if nothing changes.

So is it that the tool isn’t helping me…or I’m choosing not to use the tool?

Choosing not to trust my emotions – or to fear them – even though I have data (experience) that they do lead me to an authentic understanding of myself. In fact, they help me discover my true self.

So what am I waiting for?

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