Tag: powerless

Day 106 – Using Dreams, Change and Uncertainty


I’ve been sleeping very poorly for the last couple nights because of a chest/sinus infection. But I can’t really say my sleeping has been normal since I got out of treatment. I generally still have to use a non-narcotic sleeping aid to get through the night. But, the last couple of nights have been unbearable with the congestion.

I also had another using dream last night – the second one in a week. I’m learning to listen to what that’s telling me about what I’m experiencing and feeling. I’m heading home today after visiting my sister and her family. I had a great visit – but I know I have to hit the job search even harder when I get home. That creates a bunch of anxiety, anger and resentment.  I have made a couple applications and have my resume updated.  But my heart’s not in it.  I’m still wondering a little about what direction I should be heading now. I just don’t know what I want to do next for sure. I think that is causing me to be stressed and restless.

I’ve also been VERY obsessed about some legal matters that are resulting from my discharge. These are indirect to my actual case and arrest. As such, it should NOT be my primary focus or concern.  Yet one night at my sister’s, I woke up and couldn’t put the matter out of my head.  I tossed and turned and mulled over angles for two hours.  I finally got up – wrote some stuff down – and was able to get some rest.  This matter can easily lead to more anger and resentment.  I don’t need to be obsessing about this.  The fact that I’m not “more worried” about my direct case and my job search is a bit concerning to a certain extent!   So, I’m trying to put that aside.

Being away from home…being sick… What little routine I do have is off.  So I can understand where this is all coming from – the stress, the more frequent using dreams.  And after last night’s dream, I woke up and was in tears.  I felt scared, lonely, tired, worn out.  I started to think about the next couple of days and it started to get overwhelming.

I did the only thing I knew to do at that point (apart from call someone, but I didn’t think it warranted a call at 2am!).  I got down on my knees and started to pray.  I asked my Higher Power to take this away.  I needed to turn it over and let Him take care of this — Let Go and Let God!  I know even now that this whole situation will work out and I’ll be far better off for it — I know it’s a blessing.  But, going through the valley, it’s hard for me sometimes to keep that perspective…particularly when I don’t know how long I’ll be in the valley!  It’s kind of like when you go on a road trip – at least in my experience.  The ride there always seems longer than coming home because there are a lot of unknowns; you don’t know how long it’s going to take.  Coming home, you’ve already been down the road and you know what to expect!

I was listening to a podcast on the way home today along these lines.  The guys was talking about a period in his life where he had a lot of ups and downs. He wondered out loud…“If an up period came out of the down period, then was it really a down period?”  I know that there will be an amazing up period — an amazing result from all of this change and relative hardship.  And I know that at some point, my life will stabilize and I won’t be on such an emotional roller coaster.  I’ll be more comfortable with my feelings and will be able to manage them more consistently.  It’s just getting there!

In the same podcast, I was reminded — working through a strong initial foundation of recovery is easily a an 18 month to 2 year period.  It takes time to get through the challenges in early recovery and develop new thinking and behaviors.  Getting those to be consistent takes time and practice.  It doesn’t happen in 90 days!  On the practical side, too, there is a whole settling in to new jobs, living situation, etc. that takes time apart from the inner growth.  So, in a way – this is a great reminder to be patient, to let go. It reminds me that I’m not in control, I can’t figure it all out or predict what’s next.  I have to keep trying things, and talking with folks around me, and praying, and listening. I have to act – I can’t just be waiting for things to happen.  But I can’t craft the answer or control the outcome.  It’s just finding that balance.

The using dreams are just my body’s way of going back to what it knows best – what’s easiest…to escape, to run, to hide, to mask the fears and uncertainty. But, when I’m awake, I know I don’t have to do that anymore.  I can face life.  I can face the uncertainty.  I can face the challenges.  I don’t know the outcome or the plan — but I know that everything that has happened got me here, where I need to be. Why would that be any different going forward?!

Day 101 – In life there are no coinkidinks


I know that every step in my recovery — even the steps before I hit bottom, while I was still in active addiction — happened for a reason. The prayer I’ve learned to pray is for my Higher Power to make His will known to me and to give the strength to carry it out.

This week was amazing. Things happened for a reason to get me where I needed to be for my health and recovery. A lot has been going on in my life. I had a goal to get my house on the market today.  I’ve been working my butt off to reach that goal. I’m thankful for my newfound ability to ask for help – for the humilty of admitting I can’t do it by myself – and for the ability to realize things don’t have to be perfect. Because of all of that – I reached my goal and got the house on the market and felt good about it.  I’m grateful to the friends who helped out, who came over and spent time with me not just doing the work — but creating memories and enjoying fellowship.  What a blessing.

In a previous blog I shared about a friend who reached out to me and is wanting to get into recovery after a recent situation where he used drugs. That was a hard situation for me to deal with because after a great conversation and a willingness to go to a self-help meeting, he decided not to go. It was still too painful for him to take that step right now. And that’s ok because I’m not in control – a Higher Power is at work arranging just the right set of experiences to get him where he needs to be, if he remains willing and open to the possibility.  And I still believe he is.  But it was a lot to deal with, seeing him back away.  Thankfully, I am not responsible – it’s out of my hands.  I just keep him in my prayers.

And then, I’m getting ready to visit my sister and her family, including my niece and nephews. For the last two years, I haven’t seen them because I chose drugging over family holidays. They wanted so much to come visit again during the summers after a phenominal visit 4 years ago, but I always managed to find an excuse. You see, I didn’t know if I could find meth out where they live.  And I couldn’t be bothered hosting people when I could be escaping with my drugs. So, while I’m overjoyed at the thought of seeing them and grateful that I’m reconnected, I realize now that it’s a huge emotional event. I’m excited, but I’m scared; I’m grateful, but I regret the time I missed with them. I’m not stuck living in the past with regrets, but I am acknowledging my feelings.

Finally, my mom is coming to visit as well over part of the weekend while I’m at my sister’s. I know I’m scared about that because the last time I visited my mom, I lost my temper and got angry at her…I said things that I shouldn’t have said that were out of a place of fear and sadness because I believe she is still in active addiction with alcohol and presciption drugs. It’s hard for me to be around that and she made some choices that put me in difficult positions during my visit. I was in relapse, coming very close to using at around 60 days of sober time. So the thought of having to be around her again has been weighing on my mind.

I was so busy getting ready that I wasn’t processing much on my heart – though I’ve been keeping up with my devotional readings, prayer and meetings. I was going to miss my home group NA meeting tonight in order to attend a meeting with my friend I mentioned, but at the last minute he backed down.  I was frustrated with him, but was reminded by my sponsor to always put my own recovery first and work my own program. My sobriety is my first priority.

I got into that room…and I saw those familiar faces who have grown to know me and vice versa.  And, no coinkidink that the topic was anger. A friend in there shared about his dad who is in his last days of life and how grateful he was that he has been able to rekindle his relationship with his dad. We read the meditation passage for the day which I had read that morning; it had passed through my head but had not allowed it to touch my heart.  “We got into recovery, and things are going great.  Then reality sets in.  Life is still life — we still lose our jobs, our partners still leave us, friends still die, we still get sick.”  That’s me!  But finally, I had slowed down enough to listen…opened my heart up to the healing that was needed…and I just started sobbing as I began my sharing. I had been on auto-pilot for about a week, processing my feelings on a limited level. I had allowed myself to cry and talked about my feelings, so I knew what was going on.  But, I kept pushing on because I had so much to do. I hadn’t really stopped to feel some of the stuff I was going through or getting ready to face.  And my Higher Power put me in that room to stop me – to give me what I needed. 

I shared with my home group what was going on, and how grateful I was to be at that meeting.  One of the guys came up to me afterwards and hugged me and said “You know, CT…the best part is you don’t have to drink or drug.” And he is right. It was such a healthy place to be. It’s a relief to be able to be real, to cry, to feel and yet…to be able to put my head on the pillow at night having made it through another day sober, without drinking or drugging…by the grace of God. 

If life there are no coinkidinks…just an abundance of miracles.

Day 100 – In these rooms we will find each other…


It’s been an amazing couple of weeks.  I’m sure every addict early in recovery eventually reaches the point where they meet someone “in the rooms” who they used to know in active addiction.  (In the rooms is an expression to indicate someone in recovery, attending self-help groups, in treatment…basically, getting the help they need.)  In the past couple of weeks, I’ve found three people from my past in some stage of recovery or ready to try recovery.  It’s a pretty powerful experience for me to see that “from the other side.” 

Connection #1: One friend is…I’ll be honest…right on the fence. When he first talked to me, he had 20 days of clean time. As I listened to him tell his story, there was still a lot of “I” and “control” and “for now.”  For now, I choose not to drink. For now, I choose not to drug. But, you know, there may be a point where I can get it back under control.  I say this not in a judging manner at all because I’ve been there, but he doesn’t understand it yet. But, I listened…I asked open ended questions without hidden expectations…I didn’t judge…I didn’t lecture him.  I know what that felt like to me when others lectured me, or told me what to do, or “scared me” into getting help. It just pushed me away from those people. So I listened and I pray for him. My guess is he won’t make it to 30 days.  I pray he will and I pray at some point, at only 31 years old, that he will see the truth in recovery, the hope in recovery…and make differenct choices.

Connection #2: Then, I got a call from a friend the other day who I believe has been a dry drunk quite honestly for the past several months. He has been white knuckling it and not drugging for 6-9 months. But, again not judging or saying what is right for anyone, he has been struggling with the real problem — life.  He is still bitter at the world and his circumstances.  He has been very proud of himself because he managed to not drink or use for so long…this time.  I’ve been there.  I’ve tried to stop myself.  We’ve all been there at some point thinking we could do this on our own.  We can’t.

He shared with me that he recently slipped and used again. I actually say use again, not relapsed, because one of the things I learned in treatment is you can’t relapse if you’ve never been in recovery! Recovery means healing and work in all areas – physical (i.e. the drinking or drugging) as well as the spiritual and mental aspects of our disease. It doesn’t prescribe how one works a program of recovery — self help groups, treatment, personal spiritial journey, etc.  But, as a dry drunk, as a white-knuckler who on his own strength and willpower is simply getting by without drinking or drugging…it’s not a relapse.

Of course, it’s not for me to say if someone is an addict or not, if someone is working a program or not. My #1 goal is to stay sober and in recovery – and that’s my program…not someone else’s.  I’m just grateful that he came asking for help, asking to try something different. I embraced him and am equally ecstatic for him as my first friend because he is ready to make some different choices.

It was funny – I told him that I knew this was going to happen. He looked at me and asked, “how did you know?”  I replied, “because from what I could see, I believe you were white knuckling it. You even used the words tonight – you thought you had this under control. If there is one thing I’ve learned since that night in December is I can’t do this. I tried – I even got to the point where I stopped trying to stop. It’s not because of my will power or my strength.  And it’s not because of my weakness that I either stay sober or relapse. It is simply because of the grace of my Higher Power, the strength I find in self-help groups and my program, and the fellowship of another addict in recovery.”

What an amazing chain of events.  My second friend has started to see the truth in recovery, the hope in recovery…he’s looking for different answers. May he find the strength in his Higher Power to continue to make different choices…

Connection #3: Then last Friday, I was sitting in a meeting. We had already started; people were reading some of the introductory texts. A guy walked in and sat down next to me. I looked over and did a double-take…but told myself No, impossible…couldn’t be.  Then we sat for a couple seconds and he looked over at me.  All of a sudden, he bursted out, called out my name and gave me a huge bear hug. We embraced for what seemed like the entire hour. It was a deep, heartfelt hug. On my part, it was of surprise, of joy, of hope…because the man sitting next to me…the man wrapping his arms around me and giving me a hug of life…was my former drug dealer. This was the guy from whom I bought my weekly stash of meth all of 2009 and most of 2008! The last time I bought from him…$400 worth…over twice my normal amount…was the weekend I hit bottom and found recovery. I never once expected to see him in the rooms. He always struck me as a decent guy – apart from dealing, someone I would have hung out with at a bar-b-que or had over to hang out with friends. But I knew how deep he was into his addiction. Yet, clearly, his Higher Power had been working in his life. I was overjoyed!

The entire meeting, we kept catching each other out of the corner of our eyes…and smiling…and slapping each other on the leg, acknowledging the amazement and joy we were both experiencing. I tried to pay attention during the meeting, yet kept wandering…I was overwhelmed with joy, and disbelief, and amazement, and belief, and gratitude — all mixed up in this confusing jumbled mess.

We talked a little and agreed to catch up. There were five other people in the room that night for whom this was their prior dealer…he shared that with me without breaking their anonymity. I started thinking…it would be very easy to be angry, scared, confused, resentful.  I could see not wanting him around because the situation could be uncomfortable…could bring back too many memories. But, by the grace of God, I’m at a different place. I was so overjoyed that here, another child of God, another broken soul, another person with that gaping whole in his heart, his soul, his being. We had all tried to fill that with drugs, and alcohol and other escapes. And, here he was…and like the prodigal son, you know, what a great joy to have him back. I’m just so thankful. We’ve all earned our right to be in these rooms.

I look back on these two weeks and am overwhelmed with joy. I’m still a newcomer.  I’m still in my first year of recovery. I still have a LOT to learn.  It’s like I’ve said – I’m learning my ABC’s and 123’s all over again.  There are still days where I’m blown away by the experiences, learning and growth.  But I’m so thankful that I’m able to be there and see other people — not just newcomers but people that I knew in active addiction — who have found this great new life.  Some will make it, some won’t…some are there, some aren’t quite there…  But these are the still suffering addicts for whom we pray on a regular basis. I’m thankful someone somewhere, sometime prayed for me…