Tag: life happens

Day 106 – Using Dreams, Change and Uncertainty


I’ve been sleeping very poorly for the last couple nights because of a chest/sinus infection. But I can’t really say my sleeping has been normal since I got out of treatment. I generally still have to use a non-narcotic sleeping aid to get through the night. But, the last couple of nights have been unbearable with the congestion.

I also had another using dream last night – the second one in a week. I’m learning to listen to what that’s telling me about what I’m experiencing and feeling. I’m heading home today after visiting my sister and her family. I had a great visit – but I know I have to hit the job search even harder when I get home. That creates a bunch of anxiety, anger and resentment.  I have made a couple applications and have my resume updated.  But my heart’s not in it.  I’m still wondering a little about what direction I should be heading now. I just don’t know what I want to do next for sure. I think that is causing me to be stressed and restless.

I’ve also been VERY obsessed about some legal matters that are resulting from my discharge. These are indirect to my actual case and arrest. As such, it should NOT be my primary focus or concern.  Yet one night at my sister’s, I woke up and couldn’t put the matter out of my head.  I tossed and turned and mulled over angles for two hours.  I finally got up – wrote some stuff down – and was able to get some rest.  This matter can easily lead to more anger and resentment.  I don’t need to be obsessing about this.  The fact that I’m not “more worried” about my direct case and my job search is a bit concerning to a certain extent!   So, I’m trying to put that aside.

Being away from home…being sick… What little routine I do have is off.  So I can understand where this is all coming from – the stress, the more frequent using dreams.  And after last night’s dream, I woke up and was in tears.  I felt scared, lonely, tired, worn out.  I started to think about the next couple of days and it started to get overwhelming.

I did the only thing I knew to do at that point (apart from call someone, but I didn’t think it warranted a call at 2am!).  I got down on my knees and started to pray.  I asked my Higher Power to take this away.  I needed to turn it over and let Him take care of this — Let Go and Let God!  I know even now that this whole situation will work out and I’ll be far better off for it — I know it’s a blessing.  But, going through the valley, it’s hard for me sometimes to keep that perspective…particularly when I don’t know how long I’ll be in the valley!  It’s kind of like when you go on a road trip – at least in my experience.  The ride there always seems longer than coming home because there are a lot of unknowns; you don’t know how long it’s going to take.  Coming home, you’ve already been down the road and you know what to expect!

I was listening to a podcast on the way home today along these lines.  The guys was talking about a period in his life where he had a lot of ups and downs. He wondered out loud…“If an up period came out of the down period, then was it really a down period?”  I know that there will be an amazing up period — an amazing result from all of this change and relative hardship.  And I know that at some point, my life will stabilize and I won’t be on such an emotional roller coaster.  I’ll be more comfortable with my feelings and will be able to manage them more consistently.  It’s just getting there!

In the same podcast, I was reminded — working through a strong initial foundation of recovery is easily a an 18 month to 2 year period.  It takes time to get through the challenges in early recovery and develop new thinking and behaviors.  Getting those to be consistent takes time and practice.  It doesn’t happen in 90 days!  On the practical side, too, there is a whole settling in to new jobs, living situation, etc. that takes time apart from the inner growth.  So, in a way – this is a great reminder to be patient, to let go. It reminds me that I’m not in control, I can’t figure it all out or predict what’s next.  I have to keep trying things, and talking with folks around me, and praying, and listening. I have to act – I can’t just be waiting for things to happen.  But I can’t craft the answer or control the outcome.  It’s just finding that balance.

The using dreams are just my body’s way of going back to what it knows best – what’s easiest…to escape, to run, to hide, to mask the fears and uncertainty. But, when I’m awake, I know I don’t have to do that anymore.  I can face life.  I can face the uncertainty.  I can face the challenges.  I don’t know the outcome or the plan — but I know that everything that has happened got me here, where I need to be. Why would that be any different going forward?!

Day 102 – Finding my "first high" again…


The night I arrived at my sister’s for this recent trip, she had two tickets to see STOMP for me and my 14 year nephew.  At one point, I didn’t think I’d make the performance.  I was going to delay my trip by a day to finish some things up at home. But when I heard how excited my nephew was…how he kept asking “Mom, is Uncle CT gonna make it for STOMP!” I knew there wasn’t any last minute details at home what could warrant a delay and missing this!

I got into the auditorium and we had great seats – I was dead center in row D and he was a couple rows back in F. To paint the picture – the hall is packed, the show starts…and it’s 110 minutes of non-stop percussion, rhythm, music, lights, sounds, energy.  It’s electrifying!  As I told my nephew afterwards “Did you realize that not once the entire evening did anyone on stage utter a single word? And yet, through their gestures, their looks, their motions, their sounds, their energy – you knew exactly what story they were telling. You knew the context of what was going on and the message to take away from each of their vignettes.”  It was so POWERFUL!

I was sitting in the hall absorbing all of this.  My body was on fire!  My senses were on overload!  I kid you not – I was laughing so hard, genuinely laughing, at the stories, the humor, the innuendoes.  I caught myself every once in awhile because at points, I’m the only one laughing – or I’m laughing the longest.  And I’m not even self-conscious about it wondering what people might think – my ego is completely out of the way.  I was just enjoying my a*$ off!  I am enjoying the show, enjoying life, enjoying all of the senses.  And all of a sudden, it just overwhelms me.  I was taking it all in, and it was like I stepped away from my body and was watching this.  I could just see myself enjoying without limitations.  And I wasn’t high. This wasn’t fabricated.  It wasn’t a mask.  It was deep and genuine.

I remember when I first started using – it was with ecstasy (X).  X would heighten all of your sensations. The reason I loved X was I was finally able to FEEL – to really (what I thought was real!) FEEL!  All the lights were brighter, the music was richer, the touching was more sensual.  It was overpowering.

As I watched and felt STOMP, I realized — THAT was the “first high” I was always chasing.

Since I’ve been in recovery, addicts say we are always chasing that first high.  And I kept relating that to my days of using cocaine or meth — and the concept of “chasing that first high” never made sense to me.    While coke and meth were good, I wasn’t “chasing them…”

Now I understand – they weren’t my first high!

My first high was X – that sensation, those experiences, those feelings!  

I realized that night watching STOMP – SHIT!

I found that first high!

And I found it drug-free!  And I found it in my own senses!  I don’t have to be fucked up to enjoy life…to feel.  And right there in the hall, I started crying…tears streaming down my face.  It’s not sadness, not loss, not grief.  It is joy, it is peace…and it’s gratitude.

I can also remember with meth that you hit this wall ’round about 45-60 days…or 4-6 months, I’ll have to go check ;).  But because meth fucks around with your senses and dopamine receptors so much, you fry them all…and without them, your highs aren’t as high and your lows aren’t as low…you kinda don’t feel.  Life is bland.  You “can’t enjoy life.”  And used to “feeling good” on meth, that can suck…can get depressing…hence, the wall.  I kept dreading when or if I would hit the wall.

That was my other excitement from the night!  I don’t know if there are higher joys to come but WOW –  I was on fire!  I was bursting out of my skin!  It was amazing.  I cried for joy for about 10-15 minutes…watching the show…through teary-eyed lenses 😉  And life was good.  I started laughing…I didn’t care who thought what.  I was at peace.  And it was like the entire stage, the whole performance, every individual in that troupe was performing for me…was giving me a gift…a gift I would probably never experience again.  Like chasing that first high…I had reconnected.  I had found my feelings.  I had found the ability to experience life.

And the beauty of this high — I probably will experience things like it again.  It’s real – it’s not artificial.  I can experience both the little things in life — the butterflies, the birds chirping, the warm Spring air — as well as the overdramatic experiences and performances like STOMP!

And, then to think that I was here with my nephew.  These were the kids I took myself away from.  You know…talk about egocentric, self-centered.  I took away their Uncle CT…but here I was back, enjoying them…being with them.

For all of this, I am truly grateful.

All that for $52 and a service fee of $12.

Priceless 😉

Day 101 – In life there are no coinkidinks


I know that every step in my recovery — even the steps before I hit bottom, while I was still in active addiction — happened for a reason. The prayer I’ve learned to pray is for my Higher Power to make His will known to me and to give the strength to carry it out.

This week was amazing. Things happened for a reason to get me where I needed to be for my health and recovery. A lot has been going on in my life. I had a goal to get my house on the market today.  I’ve been working my butt off to reach that goal. I’m thankful for my newfound ability to ask for help – for the humilty of admitting I can’t do it by myself – and for the ability to realize things don’t have to be perfect. Because of all of that – I reached my goal and got the house on the market and felt good about it.  I’m grateful to the friends who helped out, who came over and spent time with me not just doing the work — but creating memories and enjoying fellowship.  What a blessing.

In a previous blog I shared about a friend who reached out to me and is wanting to get into recovery after a recent situation where he used drugs. That was a hard situation for me to deal with because after a great conversation and a willingness to go to a self-help meeting, he decided not to go. It was still too painful for him to take that step right now. And that’s ok because I’m not in control – a Higher Power is at work arranging just the right set of experiences to get him where he needs to be, if he remains willing and open to the possibility.  And I still believe he is.  But it was a lot to deal with, seeing him back away.  Thankfully, I am not responsible – it’s out of my hands.  I just keep him in my prayers.

And then, I’m getting ready to visit my sister and her family, including my niece and nephews. For the last two years, I haven’t seen them because I chose drugging over family holidays. They wanted so much to come visit again during the summers after a phenominal visit 4 years ago, but I always managed to find an excuse. You see, I didn’t know if I could find meth out where they live.  And I couldn’t be bothered hosting people when I could be escaping with my drugs. So, while I’m overjoyed at the thought of seeing them and grateful that I’m reconnected, I realize now that it’s a huge emotional event. I’m excited, but I’m scared; I’m grateful, but I regret the time I missed with them. I’m not stuck living in the past with regrets, but I am acknowledging my feelings.

Finally, my mom is coming to visit as well over part of the weekend while I’m at my sister’s. I know I’m scared about that because the last time I visited my mom, I lost my temper and got angry at her…I said things that I shouldn’t have said that were out of a place of fear and sadness because I believe she is still in active addiction with alcohol and presciption drugs. It’s hard for me to be around that and she made some choices that put me in difficult positions during my visit. I was in relapse, coming very close to using at around 60 days of sober time. So the thought of having to be around her again has been weighing on my mind.

I was so busy getting ready that I wasn’t processing much on my heart – though I’ve been keeping up with my devotional readings, prayer and meetings. I was going to miss my home group NA meeting tonight in order to attend a meeting with my friend I mentioned, but at the last minute he backed down.  I was frustrated with him, but was reminded by my sponsor to always put my own recovery first and work my own program. My sobriety is my first priority.

I got into that room…and I saw those familiar faces who have grown to know me and vice versa.  And, no coinkidink that the topic was anger. A friend in there shared about his dad who is in his last days of life and how grateful he was that he has been able to rekindle his relationship with his dad. We read the meditation passage for the day which I had read that morning; it had passed through my head but had not allowed it to touch my heart.  “We got into recovery, and things are going great.  Then reality sets in.  Life is still life — we still lose our jobs, our partners still leave us, friends still die, we still get sick.”  That’s me!  But finally, I had slowed down enough to listen…opened my heart up to the healing that was needed…and I just started sobbing as I began my sharing. I had been on auto-pilot for about a week, processing my feelings on a limited level. I had allowed myself to cry and talked about my feelings, so I knew what was going on.  But, I kept pushing on because I had so much to do. I hadn’t really stopped to feel some of the stuff I was going through or getting ready to face.  And my Higher Power put me in that room to stop me – to give me what I needed. 

I shared with my home group what was going on, and how grateful I was to be at that meeting.  One of the guys came up to me afterwards and hugged me and said “You know, CT…the best part is you don’t have to drink or drug.” And he is right. It was such a healthy place to be. It’s a relief to be able to be real, to cry, to feel and yet…to be able to put my head on the pillow at night having made it through another day sober, without drinking or drugging…by the grace of God. 

If life there are no coinkidinks…just an abundance of miracles.