Tag: humility

Mirror: seeing myself in others


I’ve come to accept that I’m an addict – which means I have just as easily used people and relationships to “escape” from reality as I have drugs and alcohol. In fact, I’m realizing now that my “deeper” addiction — the one I’ve lived with longer — is based on using co-dependent relationships or sex as my “drug of choice.”

I’ve recently started another “90 in 90” — 90 meetings in 90 days — as part of my twelve-step recovery process. Additionally, to bring some relief and clarity on an emotional level, I’m committing to a 90 day period of abstinence from acting out sexually. More on that later, but let me share an experience I had today that showed me how shallow I have been in my past with respect to people…how I’ve used people, plain and simple.

An “online buddy” of mine text me today to see “how I was doing.” He made it clear pretty quickly what he was looking for…and to be honest, a month ago, I would have been looking for the same thing. In fact, I know I reached out to him on at least one occasion and never heard back from him…he was busy with studies. I remember thinking “how self-centered…all he thinks about are his own needs!” Of course, I just wanted him for mine…but never mind, I couldn’t see that at the time.

Today, I shared with him that I was on a 90 day abstinence plan. He asked, “how long ’til your 90 days are up?” I replied “80 days!” He pondered his dilemma then replied, “That will put me back into the middle of next semester…see you at graduation.” And that was it. End of text.

As I reflected on this, I was proud that I stuck to my plan — that I actually am starting to value myself and others beyond the purely shallow physical needs. Let me add that I’m quite early in my recovery from THIS part of my illness (lest I get too confident!)

I found myself wanting to say “But, I’m available for other stuff — talking, movies, getting to know each other as human beings!” — but I realized that was not the context for our relationship and would be asking for more than it could probably offer…and more than I really needed to be seeking at this point in my recovery!

Then, I found myself a little angry and frustrated — I think he’s actually a pretty interesting character and would like to get to know him…and I was offended that he only saw me for one thing — an object to be used solely for his needs, selfishly and physically.

And with that, the mirror appeared I saw myself clearly….

One way in which my sexual addiction manifests itself is in the objectification of men — seeing them not as whole beings (physical, emotional, intellectual, spiritual) — but only seeing part or parts of them. I would then use them as solely physical beings to selfishly meet my physical needs, or to help me avoid pain or escape from reality. How was that any different from the way in which I had just been treated?

It wasn’t.

I see in others the character defects which I so desperately want to overcome. I see the splinter in his eye, not realizing there is a log in mine. I have some to appreciate that parable on a deeper level…it doesn’t just mean I have my own issues, some of which may be “bigger” or “worse…” For me, I now see that it means I often have the same defect…made of the same material…the same wood…the same brokenness.

So, I empathize with my friend – my fellow human being. So quick to judge or anger, I must instead take responsibility for my own needs, actions and thoughts…and admit my powerlessness over my addictions. It is only in surrendering that I will find relief…just for today.

Checking my motives…I’m back!


In May, I had started to notice a shift in my motives for this blog.  I was paying more attention to the tracking metrics of how many people were hitting the site than I was my step work.  I was more fascinated by the ratio of new to repeat visitors and which blogs were being read the most than I was by the sharing I was hearing in meetings.  Quite simply – my motives shifted and they needed to get back in check!

So, I’ve taken some time for me this past month.  I’ve needed to refocus, check my motives, reengage in my job search and balance some aspects of my life.  With a week of traveling and a week of family visits, I looked back on the month and realized I hadn’t posted for a single job since April 26th!  While I believe my Higher Power is in control…and I’m powerless over the sale of my house, finding a new job, etc — a job isn’t going to fall into my lap!  I need to do the legwork — the next right thing.

But, in recent days, I’ve felt like getting back to my blogging.  It does help me to write and be aware of what is going on.  Throughout the day, if I know that I’m blogging and doing a photo journal, I find myself that much more tuned into life’s little messages.  And, being a little more tuned in helps me be more present, more connected with my Higher Power, and more aware of others around me.  All that is good!  Very good for my recovery!

And, I’m giving myself a break…easy does it!  If my motives aren’t pure, that’s ok!  As long as in the balance, they are more ego-less than ego-centric, I’m ok.  A line from Invictus reminded me of this.  The captain for the South African rugby team is meeting with Nelson Mandella.  Mr. Mandella asks him how is ankle is after a recent injury.  “To be honest, you never really play at 100%” — to which Mr. Mandella responds, “As in life…”  So yes, I’m rarely firing on all cylinders, perfectly balanced…and yet, in spite of that, my HP finds way of bringing good out of my actions.

I thank a couple of people who have written me recently on Facebook to let me know how this blog has impacted them.  I’m an open book because I’ve been given the gift and willingness.  As they say in the rooms, I do it selfishly because it helps keep me clean and sober.  But, if in doing so, someone’s Higher Power is able to use something I’ve experienced and written about to touch someone else, then Glory to HP!

And no, that’s not a competitive plug against Dell or IBM 😉

Day 146 – Addiction doesn’t discriminate…it’s a shame we do ;)


I was meeting some friends today to go to an event.  Due to heavy traffic and event parking limitations, we agreed to meet somewhere then head over in one car.  I suggested my church parking lot, on the near north side of downtown.  One of the guys didn’t want to meet there as he was afraid to leave his car “in the ghetto.”  So, we agreed to meet at one of the local Catholic school’s parking lot’s in a trendy part of town near the event.  Turns out, this was the school my friend attended as a youngster.  In the end, I parked my car and we rode in his car.  As we were leaving the area, he asked “Did you lock your car?”  When I answered yes and asked why, he told us that when he was growing up, he used to come to the lot and check for unlocked cars and steal their change.  He didn’t want anything to be stolen from my car.  Hmmm…  Funny how we see in others what we are sometimes afraid to see in ourselves.

I tell this story because I’ve heard the same comment from other friends about attending certain self help group meetings in different neighborhoods around the city.  One guy said he didn’t care for a certain meeting room because it was “in the ghetto.”  His comment has always stuck with me simply because of my life experience with respect to diversity.  Funny thing – I learned early on in recovery, as I sat in a treatment center with men & women who were from various ethnic backgrounds, different socio-economic backgrounds, etc…we all had the same story.  We all had our bottom.  We all fell victim to the same disease.  It didn’t matter if I was homeless, or a chief executive…a housewife or an auto mechanic.  This disease is the great equalizer.  And, if I look for the differences instead of the similarities, I run the risk of missing the gift of someone’s experience, strength and hope.  And it is that gift, along with the grace and love of my Higher Power, that helps keep me clean and sober…and one day may literally save my life.

Tonight, I went to a self-help meeting “in the ghetto.”  I was the only white man in the room, and one of only a handful of white people out of the 30+ in the room.  I may also have been the only gay man.  There was one woman in a wheelchair.  The youngest was probably in his early 20’s…the oldest was in her late 60’s.  Bottom line, there was diversity.  And yet as we went around the room and shared, there was nothing different in the stories than I would have heard in one of my more regular meetings where I’m less of a minority.  And I connected with something that each person had to share — heard a couple insights that gave me a different way of approaching a couple areas in my life — and left feeling just as energized, peaceful and inspired as I have almost every meeting.  There is no better than or worse than — we truly are equal.  Even outside of addiction, we are all blessed children of a loving God / Higher Power, however we are able to see and understand Him/Her.  And to put labels and hierarchy is such a shame…such a missed opportunity.

I pray that my Higher Power continues to grace me with eyes to see and ears to hear…and where I fall short, the willingness to admit my faults and forgive myself.  In doing so, I’m in a better position to love others and see their brokenness as the same, no better or worse than mine.