Tag: helping others

Life on Life’s Terms 101: A Primer for Living


I attended a 12-step meeting this morning. The topic was “gratitude.”

A woman shared her gratitude for this particular meeting and the things she learned from people in the meeting. She told how things she learned along the way helped her this past week with some news she received.

On Thursday, she found out she has breast cancer.

“The first thing I did was write out a gratitude list.  That, I learned from K.”

“The second thing I did was recite the Serenity Prayer like we do at every meeting.  It meant a little more to me that afternoon – particularly the part about accepting the things I can not change.”

“Then I applied steps 1, 2 and 3.  I’ve learned that from T. and G. and others here in the room as they went through major events in their life. I felt a peace, knowing that my Higher Power was with me and would be with me throughout this.”

At the end of the meeting when we celebrated birthdays, she picked up her 23-year token.

This is a simple program.

End of lesson.

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Were you listening? No really – LISTENING…


A friend called me recently with an update on her recent back surgery. After many years of deep, systemic pain she has found relief through major back surgery. Living with such pain, and going through such a delicate (albeit somewhat routine?) surgery, she has been though a lot in recent weeks. She was sharing with me how she was feeling. She talked about a revelation she had about some chiropractic care over the years which now appears to have been poorly guided. This filled her with some valid feelings of anger, sadness, frustration and grief. She was particularly angry with her chiropractor and voiced some of that with me. I had been listening, but chose to respond focusing more on “getting her back” to grateful — celebrating the wonderful relief, not focusing on the years of pain from which she might have found earlier relief had it been more properly diagnosed by her chiropractor. I’ve learned to stay in the moment and not dwell on things in the past, over which we have no control nor are we able to change.

Red flag.

I could hear the disappointment in her voice.

She is a very emotionally mature, balanced person with a LOT of experience at living in the moment — probably more so than I do. She wasn’t looking for problem solving – she was looking for empathy. She wasn’t going to dwell on her misery, or allow a resentment to build. But, she was needing some validation before she could move on. Knowing and trusting me as a friend, she was making herself vulnerable by sharing her pain – knowing that only in living through it could she find true healing.

I caught myself – almost instinctively hearing her inner voice say “No, T – you weren’t listening.  Really – you weren’t LISTENING.”

I played back what I had heard her express — frustration, disappointment, and some regret. I let her know that she may be right – her doctor may have very well cost her years of relief. I empathized with her anger.

And almost immediately I could hear relief in her voice. Then tension in her voice that peaked when I talked past her need dissipated. She relaxed. I could hear her nodding, grateful to find needed empathy.

Then, as I should have known she would, she picked herself up and moved on. She focused back on the gratitude, the relief, the freedom from pain. She was able to let go a little more of her past, and move forward in her healing.

I’m grateful for friends like D. who walk with me, share their whole selves with me and encourage my growth even amidst their own pain. She is an amazing woman and a trusted friend.

Yes D., I heard you…and finally listened! Thanks for being patient with me.

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Pray until I’m blue in the face…or…let go!


For most of my early recovery, I’ve “carried a torch” for some close friends and family. I think I’ve shared before in my blog how I’ve carried the burden to pray for them every morning and during every moment of silence. Four are using buddies from my past or from my relapses for whom I carry a particular burden – admittedly, probably a burden of guilt for my part in their relapse or addictive behavior. But, I figured that it was still a good thing to do.  But, I’m coming to realize it might be the right thing, but not for the right reasons.

Last night, I had this dream about one of the friends I pray for who is going through some difficult events in his life, albeit without drinking or drugging.  At the end of the dream, he committed suicide and “seeing” the act of him slitting his wrists woke me up.

I woke up very sad and very scared, in tears.

I started praying for my friend.  That’s all I know how to do.  I realized I’m so helpless.

As I laid in bed pondering the dream, I thought about the topic at tonight’s meeting: surrender. It’s not a sign of weakness like general society would lead me to believe, and like I chose to believe for most of my life. The paradox is we get power when we surrender.

I still wrestle with how I best help a friend in need – a newcomer to recovery – a member of my home group who is struggling. How do I reach out the hand of Recovery without being pushy or co-dependent, working someone else’s program? I’m afraid to get it wrong and hurt someone in the end.

I reflected more on some recent events where my attempts to reach out blew up in my face, causing someone to get angry with me and resentful. As I work through my feelings that come with this rejection, I realize I’m sad at losing a friendship and angry for being misunderstood. But I also realize that at the heart of my reaction is a fear of rejection – a concern or worry about what people think of me.  Which also means that the corollary must be true — I was on some level seeking acceptance, hoping my actions would be appreciated by others and “win me favor” with them.

That tells me my ego is still in the way, still present in my prayers or my actions.  I still think somehow that it’s me…my actions…my words that will make the difference — that I’ll save them!  It’s similar to taking pride in the results of my recovery, somehow thinking that it’s my strength or actions that are getting me through the tough times.

That’s not how this works.

It’s not me.

Sobriety is a gift.

As long as I think it’s me, my ego gets in the way — and yea, I should be afraid! Left to my own devices, I won’t know what to do – I will hurt others – I will make bad decisions for myself because of my illness and addictive mind.

And yet, the true beauty in my recovery is in surrendering.  Letting go.  I’m not responsible for the outcomes — just doing the next right thing for the right reasons.  I’m not responsible for other people’s success or failure — in recovery or anything else for that matter.

I can pray until I’m blue in the face and ask for my Higher Power to help someone find freedom.  But, really in doing so, I’m implying somehow that their Higher Power isn’t already looking out for them and that somehow, my prayers – or my actions – are going to “tip the scales” and make the difference between success and failure, life and death.

So are the prayers for them – or are they really for me?  Am I somehow motivated by guilt because of my part in their story? Or, perhaps by a desire to be in control — to “play God?”

As I prayed and meditated after the dream, I came to a new understanding.  I don’t need to pray for these 6 people by name EVERY day, at EVERY meeting – as I have done, with some (self-centered) (egotistical) pride if I’m completely honest!  In fact, that’s working against what I need – which is to surrender them, to let go — and then to know that my Higher Power is in control.  In that, I can know peace.

It doesn’t mean that prayer doesn’t work or have value.  And it doesn’t mean I shouldn’t reach out the hand of recover when asked. But, as I pray for them today, the motivation is still very self-centered.  If I can learn to let go and surrender, that is where the true power is.

At the heart of this realization is a more profound understanding of surrender and what it means. And, in that growth, I believe I’ve been given permission to turn them over to His care. So with that, I will cease praying for them ’til I’m blue in the face…and let go.

Sobriety is a gift.  It’s not the result of my actions, or my prayers — for me or for anyone else.

What I’m responsible for is doing the next right thing for the right reasons — and letting go of the outcomes. I’m responsible for working on my spiritual condition – my relationship with my Higher Power.  The rest is up to, and because of, Him.

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