Tag: feelings

Day 94 – E-Diaries, Exposure & Ego


I gained some pretty deep insight today. My recent blog on the stigma of addiction and some current events in my own life got me thinking and meditating.  Usually things “percolate” for a couple days and I start to understand what I’m to learn.  Here goes…

When I started this blog, I wanted it to be totally anonymous — no name, no connections, no sending this to friends, no links. My initial reasoning was to keep this focused on recovery & telling stories, not me and my ego.  First pebble…e-diaries (blogging).

As things evolved, I shared this with a couple close friends in recovery…and then briefly put a link on my Facebook.  So much for anonymity.  Why?  Part of this journey is about re-discovering myself. Yes, it’s a journal to look back on and a way to share stories. But in writing, like in verbalizing thoughts, ideas become real. I get to “try them on for size” — shape them, reflect and connect. I find it to be a helpful part of my spiritual journey. As ideas take shape, I believe my Higher Power uses the words on paper or shared in conversation to breath life into my recovery and give me the guidance I seek. In one sense, it’s like action — writing, speaking, acting validates (or invalidates) thoughts & ideas and creates reality.

As part of that discovery process, I’m beginning to accept myself as a creative person who is able to sometimes connect ideas in such a way that they resonate with others. My elementary school teacher and I recently reconnected on Facebook and he shared memories of my time in 5th and 6th grade:

I can clearly see how you let your imagination flow in some of your creative writing. In fact, when I moved to the Education Centre as a consultant, I used a sample of your writing to model the writing process, especially the freewriting stage when you let your imagination and words flow freely to paper. 

With that discovery and acceptance, I felt more comfortable sharing my blog with others.  Second pebble…exposure. 

This past week, I made some real headway in certain aspects of my addiction and recovery. The topic I wanted to write about was cross-addiction. For the first time in 90 days, I’ve broken through a wall of shame, compulsion and loneliness that was very freeing. But, as I got ready to write about this – I started to wonder about what people would think. It turns out (surprise!), the anonymity in the beginning was also providing me a “shield” — or more like the lack of a shield — the absence of a mask!  Like much of my life and relationships, I’ve always felt more comfortable being direct / honest with strangers; always been better at giving constructive feedback or sharing anger with people I don’t know. But for those I know and/or love, I worry about how that might impact our relationship or what they might think of me.  So, I sometimes hold back…I find the right mask to wear…I lose some of my genuineness. In doing so, I lose who I am…I lose my voice.  That’s a slipper slope for me as that’s where I was when I “hit bottom.” Those normal ways of interacting started to come back into play.  I started to edit my thoughts and was afraid to even get into much detail about my breakthrough.  Third pebble…my ego. 




NOW I understand this book I’m reading on a more personal level. It makes sense. Ego gets in the way of our connection, our relationships with our Higher Power and with other people. I don’t believe I’m being cocky or arrogant — the “egotistical” stereotype in my head. But, the minute my “self” gets in the way of connecting with others, I’m just as ego-centric as that guy!  Self-centered.  Doesn’t mean I’m “all about me” and not mindful of others, caring or sensitive.  It just means I’m at the center…my ego is driving my actions – in this case, I’m holding back, afraid of…

Case in point – what started as a genuine desire out of gratitude and humility to share my writing — as well as a self-interest in the discovery process as described above — is now stifled, cut off, masked by my ego…my concern for what others think. I’m losing the benefit I was seeking from the blogs, and am falling back into old patterns of wearing masks and being less than “real” with people I love and who love me. Stinking thinking…old patterns…not the change I’m seeking in my recovery.  Not the self I want to discover…shape…grow.  And isn’t that the whole point of this?

Now the waves start…the pebbles form a pattern, a rhythm. I get it.

God help me ride the wave and grow in ability to stay in conscious contact with You and others by moving me out of the way. Help me to tear away the masks and in doing so also stay humble…simply remaining open to the possibility, open to the wave, open to being a channel of your peace and love…then stepping away from the center and leaving the outcome to you.

Day 90 – Pregnant, PAWS or life?



These last days have felt like being on an emotional roller coaster. One minute I’m joyous and full of life, the next I’m anxious and paralyzed; I get easily irritated around other people and feel lonely when I’m by myself; I’m optimistic and glad for the changes in my life, then I get angry, sad and scared. I’ve become obsessed with certain matters needing resolution, and have blissfully ignored others…arguably more urgent and of higher priority.  What’s going ON!?!  I feel like I’m either pregnant, experiencing PAWS (post-acute withdrawal syndrome), or life.  Since medically speaking I’m unable to get pregnant – being a man 😉 – my guess is a combination of PAWS and life.


I’ve been told there’s a reason they give 30, 60, 90 day and 6 month, year and 18 month tokens. One often suffers from physical & mental affects of PAWS (http://www.addictionsandrecovery.org/post-acute-withdrawal.htm) around those intervals. So, in addition to just giving stepping stones of success along the way, they are designed to give an extra “boost” to the recovering alcoholic or addict who is likely +/- a week hitting some of the symptoms of PAWS and beginning to wonder.  I hit it at 50 days…and around 85 days 🙂  These past days, it feels like I’ve been using again!  Friday night, I was basically up all night.  I was wired – partially anxious about my legal situation – but mainly wired.  I got about 2 hours of sleep…literally.  Finally, at 3:30am, I got up and did work around the house! I’ve been a bit edgy, distracted as if with ADD while also laser-like in single-tasking, and emotionally charged. Hmm…let’s look up side-effects of crystal meth…sounds like much the last 18 months of my life on meth!

I also think I’m experiencing some of the frustration of the “meth wall.”  

Meth addicts get over the acute effects of withdrawal fairly quickly. However, the “wall” period lasts 6-8 months for casual users and 2-3 years for regular users. (Some people never recover and remain unsatisfied with life due to permanent brain damage.) This is a period of prolonged abstinence during which the brain recovers from the changes resulting from meth use. During this period, recovering addicts feel depressed, fuzzyheaded, and think life isn’t as pleasurable without the drug. 

Although life is pleasurable and I’m feeling things once again, the depression and fuzzyheaded-ness is playing tricks with my mind.


Of course, then there’s life.  I have said I want to experience life on life’s terms…not on the terms of a meth addict! And I do mean that!  But with that comes – ups and downs; people, places and things that frustrate me; feelings and emotions. All that sh*& I escaped from…the loss, the grieving, the frustration, the emptiness.  It’s all here – in living colour – in hi-definition – in surround sound!  And sometimes, it gets to be overwhelming!  But, I know it’s better than the alternative…so I pray for serenity — look for the good — and turn things over to my Higher Power.  It’s sometimes harder said than done because it’s a new habit…I forget…I get caught up in old ways of thinking. But, when I do remember…or get reminded by those around me in recovery…it gets better.


The other thing I’m realizing is that for the past 90 days (!), I’ve largely lived in an either a sheltered world of recovery (in- and out-patient; twelve step meetings) or an isolated world at home, away from people and “life.”  Since I’ve lost my job, the extremes have compounded.  For the most part, I’m either in recovery meetings or at home…with some volunteering at church.  When I have been social, it’s been 1:1 with people I love, who care for me and who listen & share. Frankly, it’s been somewhat self-centered; to a certain extent, it has probably needed to be that way.  I’m learning to live & think differently – to wear a new pair of glasses, as the book goes.  So, to a certain extent, it’s been 90 days “about me.”  And that’s ok.  But now, I’m trying to expand that circle & return to reality — to go out with folks before/after meetings; to forge new friendships & get to know people; to face some pretty tough legal and employment challenges. And, that puts me “back in real life” — where it’s not all about me, where there are people who are bitter & angry as well as peaceful & joy-filled.  And simply put – I’m not used to that!  For the past 90 days of recovery – and the prior 2+ years of heaving using…it’s either been about me, or I’ve numbed myself from reality! 


So, I just put that out there for me to remember looking back.  I’m where I need to be… It’s ok to be human and make mistakes… I don’t have to get along with everyone… and life does have challenges which I can face with the grace & strength of my HP, through which I will grow stronger and survive — and be far better off on the other side. 

For that, I’m grateful.  

For now, I must slow down, breathe and give myself a break…


Good night.  Oh, and HAPPY BIRTHDAY to me!  By the grace of god…

Day 88 – I cook with wine…


…sometimes I even add it to the food.     WC Fields


I was doing dishes yesterday after baking banana bread and was looking out the window, enjoying the view of the woods, nature and my 2 dogs enjoying the warming Spring-like weather.  Then, I noticed a quote in my window I had received as a gift.  A small wooden sign had the wine/cooking quote from WC Fields.  Anyone who knows me and my love for wine and cooking knows this rang true for me.  I love wine, particularly good red wine.  I lived with a French family in Luxemburg as an exchange student and grew to appreciate fine wine through that experience.  When I lived in the UK, the wine store was 2 blocks down and with a wider variety of wines than most US stores at the time (late 90’s), I expanded my palette.  I turned 30 when I lived there in Chester and a friend gave me a bottle of French bordeaux.  He told me to keep it for a special occasion – perhaps my 40th.  I’ve transported that wine now from the UK to North Carolina to Puerto Rico to Indiana, guarding it for a special occasion.  I didn’t bring it out for my 40th, but had been saving it for the right small gathering of friends who could enjoy it with me.

Then 12/21 came…and I entered recovery!  And although I primarily identify myself as an addict, I recognized early on that alcohol was a trigger.  More than once, my resolve to lay off the meth was melted with a vodka martini or cosmopolitan.  The wisdom from other addicts proved true recently when I almost stumbled with a lingering bottle of aged rum. It reconfirmed for me that alcohol is just another drug; that my illness is cunning and will go to great lengths to seduce me back into active addiction.

I can remember telling my dad, less than 60 days out of treatment, that “for now I choose not to drink.  But perhaps some day I’ll be able to enjoy a nice glass of red wine with dinner.”  Even as the words rolled off my tongue, I knew the foolishness of what I was saying.  The experience of others confirms the misconception.  I heard a story this week of a guy who started with just a sip at a party of a new lemon martini…and within a month, he had fallen hard.  The good news is he found the strength to come back in the rooms, finding the support,  encouragement and unconditional love he needed to reclaim sobriety.  But, not everyone is able to do so.

Seeing that sign was a reminder…that a  glass of red wine with dinner would turn into drinking a bottle of wine while cooking, then into worse.  Nope, I understand even more deeply – I’m an alcoholic addict.  Full stop.  No reservations or qualifications.

So what became of that bottle of wine?

I recently went to dinner with some very dear friends, one of which I’ve known for almost 20 years.  They would have been one of the couples with whom I would have savored the wine in celebration.  I brought them the bottle and explained its history.  At first, as I expected, they insisted on keeping it until I was able to enjoy it with them.  But I explained to them that this is a lifelong process — there are no pre-planned detours — my life depends on that.  So, while my primary drug of choice is crystal meth, I must face the truth that all drugs must go with the same conviction and commitment.  I could see in my friends’ faces a deeper level of understanding and acceptance.  I caught a glimpse of sadness as they realized the gravity…but I also know there are so many other ways that we can celebrate and have fun.  And, I know they understand that as well.  For starters, he and his wife know that I’m here – alive – able to celebrate period!  Had December 21st transpired differently, that wouldn’t have been the case.

So, WC Fields – I also bid you farewell. I’ll talk with B. and ask her to replace you with another saying more in line with my recovery.  Deeper than the quote on a board was the gift and the memory it brings of friends and family.  That, I don’t want to lose.  So, I’ll simply replace it with something that can carry the same message and be in line with my recovery….further proof that recovery doesn’t mean the end of enjoying life.  In fact, it’s the beginning of really enjoying the emotions & experiences that life brings — on life’s terms.  For that, I’m grateful.