Tag: feelings

Day 102 – Finding my "first high" again…


The night I arrived at my sister’s for this recent trip, she had two tickets to see STOMP for me and my 14 year nephew.  At one point, I didn’t think I’d make the performance.  I was going to delay my trip by a day to finish some things up at home. But when I heard how excited my nephew was…how he kept asking “Mom, is Uncle CT gonna make it for STOMP!” I knew there wasn’t any last minute details at home what could warrant a delay and missing this!

I got into the auditorium and we had great seats – I was dead center in row D and he was a couple rows back in F. To paint the picture – the hall is packed, the show starts…and it’s 110 minutes of non-stop percussion, rhythm, music, lights, sounds, energy.  It’s electrifying!  As I told my nephew afterwards “Did you realize that not once the entire evening did anyone on stage utter a single word? And yet, through their gestures, their looks, their motions, their sounds, their energy – you knew exactly what story they were telling. You knew the context of what was going on and the message to take away from each of their vignettes.”  It was so POWERFUL!

I was sitting in the hall absorbing all of this.  My body was on fire!  My senses were on overload!  I kid you not – I was laughing so hard, genuinely laughing, at the stories, the humor, the innuendoes.  I caught myself every once in awhile because at points, I’m the only one laughing – or I’m laughing the longest.  And I’m not even self-conscious about it wondering what people might think – my ego is completely out of the way.  I was just enjoying my a*$ off!  I am enjoying the show, enjoying life, enjoying all of the senses.  And all of a sudden, it just overwhelms me.  I was taking it all in, and it was like I stepped away from my body and was watching this.  I could just see myself enjoying without limitations.  And I wasn’t high. This wasn’t fabricated.  It wasn’t a mask.  It was deep and genuine.

I remember when I first started using – it was with ecstasy (X).  X would heighten all of your sensations. The reason I loved X was I was finally able to FEEL – to really (what I thought was real!) FEEL!  All the lights were brighter, the music was richer, the touching was more sensual.  It was overpowering.

As I watched and felt STOMP, I realized — THAT was the “first high” I was always chasing.

Since I’ve been in recovery, addicts say we are always chasing that first high.  And I kept relating that to my days of using cocaine or meth — and the concept of “chasing that first high” never made sense to me.    While coke and meth were good, I wasn’t “chasing them…”

Now I understand – they weren’t my first high!

My first high was X – that sensation, those experiences, those feelings!  

I realized that night watching STOMP – SHIT!

I found that first high!

And I found it drug-free!  And I found it in my own senses!  I don’t have to be fucked up to enjoy life…to feel.  And right there in the hall, I started crying…tears streaming down my face.  It’s not sadness, not loss, not grief.  It is joy, it is peace…and it’s gratitude.

I can also remember with meth that you hit this wall ’round about 45-60 days…or 4-6 months, I’ll have to go check ;).  But because meth fucks around with your senses and dopamine receptors so much, you fry them all…and without them, your highs aren’t as high and your lows aren’t as low…you kinda don’t feel.  Life is bland.  You “can’t enjoy life.”  And used to “feeling good” on meth, that can suck…can get depressing…hence, the wall.  I kept dreading when or if I would hit the wall.

That was my other excitement from the night!  I don’t know if there are higher joys to come but WOW –  I was on fire!  I was bursting out of my skin!  It was amazing.  I cried for joy for about 10-15 minutes…watching the show…through teary-eyed lenses 😉  And life was good.  I started laughing…I didn’t care who thought what.  I was at peace.  And it was like the entire stage, the whole performance, every individual in that troupe was performing for me…was giving me a gift…a gift I would probably never experience again.  Like chasing that first high…I had reconnected.  I had found my feelings.  I had found the ability to experience life.

And the beauty of this high — I probably will experience things like it again.  It’s real – it’s not artificial.  I can experience both the little things in life — the butterflies, the birds chirping, the warm Spring air — as well as the overdramatic experiences and performances like STOMP!

And, then to think that I was here with my nephew.  These were the kids I took myself away from.  You know…talk about egocentric, self-centered.  I took away their Uncle CT…but here I was back, enjoying them…being with them.

For all of this, I am truly grateful.

All that for $52 and a service fee of $12.

Priceless 😉

Day 101 – In life there are no coinkidinks


I know that every step in my recovery — even the steps before I hit bottom, while I was still in active addiction — happened for a reason. The prayer I’ve learned to pray is for my Higher Power to make His will known to me and to give the strength to carry it out.

This week was amazing. Things happened for a reason to get me where I needed to be for my health and recovery. A lot has been going on in my life. I had a goal to get my house on the market today.  I’ve been working my butt off to reach that goal. I’m thankful for my newfound ability to ask for help – for the humilty of admitting I can’t do it by myself – and for the ability to realize things don’t have to be perfect. Because of all of that – I reached my goal and got the house on the market and felt good about it.  I’m grateful to the friends who helped out, who came over and spent time with me not just doing the work — but creating memories and enjoying fellowship.  What a blessing.

In a previous blog I shared about a friend who reached out to me and is wanting to get into recovery after a recent situation where he used drugs. That was a hard situation for me to deal with because after a great conversation and a willingness to go to a self-help meeting, he decided not to go. It was still too painful for him to take that step right now. And that’s ok because I’m not in control – a Higher Power is at work arranging just the right set of experiences to get him where he needs to be, if he remains willing and open to the possibility.  And I still believe he is.  But it was a lot to deal with, seeing him back away.  Thankfully, I am not responsible – it’s out of my hands.  I just keep him in my prayers.

And then, I’m getting ready to visit my sister and her family, including my niece and nephews. For the last two years, I haven’t seen them because I chose drugging over family holidays. They wanted so much to come visit again during the summers after a phenominal visit 4 years ago, but I always managed to find an excuse. You see, I didn’t know if I could find meth out where they live.  And I couldn’t be bothered hosting people when I could be escaping with my drugs. So, while I’m overjoyed at the thought of seeing them and grateful that I’m reconnected, I realize now that it’s a huge emotional event. I’m excited, but I’m scared; I’m grateful, but I regret the time I missed with them. I’m not stuck living in the past with regrets, but I am acknowledging my feelings.

Finally, my mom is coming to visit as well over part of the weekend while I’m at my sister’s. I know I’m scared about that because the last time I visited my mom, I lost my temper and got angry at her…I said things that I shouldn’t have said that were out of a place of fear and sadness because I believe she is still in active addiction with alcohol and presciption drugs. It’s hard for me to be around that and she made some choices that put me in difficult positions during my visit. I was in relapse, coming very close to using at around 60 days of sober time. So the thought of having to be around her again has been weighing on my mind.

I was so busy getting ready that I wasn’t processing much on my heart – though I’ve been keeping up with my devotional readings, prayer and meetings. I was going to miss my home group NA meeting tonight in order to attend a meeting with my friend I mentioned, but at the last minute he backed down.  I was frustrated with him, but was reminded by my sponsor to always put my own recovery first and work my own program. My sobriety is my first priority.

I got into that room…and I saw those familiar faces who have grown to know me and vice versa.  And, no coinkidink that the topic was anger. A friend in there shared about his dad who is in his last days of life and how grateful he was that he has been able to rekindle his relationship with his dad. We read the meditation passage for the day which I had read that morning; it had passed through my head but had not allowed it to touch my heart.  “We got into recovery, and things are going great.  Then reality sets in.  Life is still life — we still lose our jobs, our partners still leave us, friends still die, we still get sick.”  That’s me!  But finally, I had slowed down enough to listen…opened my heart up to the healing that was needed…and I just started sobbing as I began my sharing. I had been on auto-pilot for about a week, processing my feelings on a limited level. I had allowed myself to cry and talked about my feelings, so I knew what was going on.  But, I kept pushing on because I had so much to do. I hadn’t really stopped to feel some of the stuff I was going through or getting ready to face.  And my Higher Power put me in that room to stop me – to give me what I needed. 

I shared with my home group what was going on, and how grateful I was to be at that meeting.  One of the guys came up to me afterwards and hugged me and said “You know, CT…the best part is you don’t have to drink or drug.” And he is right. It was such a healthy place to be. It’s a relief to be able to be real, to cry, to feel and yet…to be able to put my head on the pillow at night having made it through another day sober, without drinking or drugging…by the grace of God. 

If life there are no coinkidinks…just an abundance of miracles.

Day 94 – E-Diaries, Exposure & Ego


I gained some pretty deep insight today. My recent blog on the stigma of addiction and some current events in my own life got me thinking and meditating.  Usually things “percolate” for a couple days and I start to understand what I’m to learn.  Here goes…

When I started this blog, I wanted it to be totally anonymous — no name, no connections, no sending this to friends, no links. My initial reasoning was to keep this focused on recovery & telling stories, not me and my ego.  First pebble…e-diaries (blogging).

As things evolved, I shared this with a couple close friends in recovery…and then briefly put a link on my Facebook.  So much for anonymity.  Why?  Part of this journey is about re-discovering myself. Yes, it’s a journal to look back on and a way to share stories. But in writing, like in verbalizing thoughts, ideas become real. I get to “try them on for size” — shape them, reflect and connect. I find it to be a helpful part of my spiritual journey. As ideas take shape, I believe my Higher Power uses the words on paper or shared in conversation to breath life into my recovery and give me the guidance I seek. In one sense, it’s like action — writing, speaking, acting validates (or invalidates) thoughts & ideas and creates reality.

As part of that discovery process, I’m beginning to accept myself as a creative person who is able to sometimes connect ideas in such a way that they resonate with others. My elementary school teacher and I recently reconnected on Facebook and he shared memories of my time in 5th and 6th grade:

I can clearly see how you let your imagination flow in some of your creative writing. In fact, when I moved to the Education Centre as a consultant, I used a sample of your writing to model the writing process, especially the freewriting stage when you let your imagination and words flow freely to paper. 

With that discovery and acceptance, I felt more comfortable sharing my blog with others.  Second pebble…exposure. 

This past week, I made some real headway in certain aspects of my addiction and recovery. The topic I wanted to write about was cross-addiction. For the first time in 90 days, I’ve broken through a wall of shame, compulsion and loneliness that was very freeing. But, as I got ready to write about this – I started to wonder about what people would think. It turns out (surprise!), the anonymity in the beginning was also providing me a “shield” — or more like the lack of a shield — the absence of a mask!  Like much of my life and relationships, I’ve always felt more comfortable being direct / honest with strangers; always been better at giving constructive feedback or sharing anger with people I don’t know. But for those I know and/or love, I worry about how that might impact our relationship or what they might think of me.  So, I sometimes hold back…I find the right mask to wear…I lose some of my genuineness. In doing so, I lose who I am…I lose my voice.  That’s a slipper slope for me as that’s where I was when I “hit bottom.” Those normal ways of interacting started to come back into play.  I started to edit my thoughts and was afraid to even get into much detail about my breakthrough.  Third pebble…my ego. 




NOW I understand this book I’m reading on a more personal level. It makes sense. Ego gets in the way of our connection, our relationships with our Higher Power and with other people. I don’t believe I’m being cocky or arrogant — the “egotistical” stereotype in my head. But, the minute my “self” gets in the way of connecting with others, I’m just as ego-centric as that guy!  Self-centered.  Doesn’t mean I’m “all about me” and not mindful of others, caring or sensitive.  It just means I’m at the center…my ego is driving my actions – in this case, I’m holding back, afraid of…

Case in point – what started as a genuine desire out of gratitude and humility to share my writing — as well as a self-interest in the discovery process as described above — is now stifled, cut off, masked by my ego…my concern for what others think. I’m losing the benefit I was seeking from the blogs, and am falling back into old patterns of wearing masks and being less than “real” with people I love and who love me. Stinking thinking…old patterns…not the change I’m seeking in my recovery.  Not the self I want to discover…shape…grow.  And isn’t that the whole point of this?

Now the waves start…the pebbles form a pattern, a rhythm. I get it.

God help me ride the wave and grow in ability to stay in conscious contact with You and others by moving me out of the way. Help me to tear away the masks and in doing so also stay humble…simply remaining open to the possibility, open to the wave, open to being a channel of your peace and love…then stepping away from the center and leaving the outcome to you.