#EndHIVStigma – The Magical Storybook of Professor Peacock

Toxic

Content note: This piece references sexual role-play, kink dynamics, humiliation language, and HIV-related stigma. It may be activating for readers with trauma histories around sex, power, or medical stigma. Please take care while reading.

I had a hookup recently that was mostly good, a little scary, and unexpectedly clarifying. He is 55 so from the same generation as me. That matters for what came next.

There was kink. Some bondage. Some power play. Some things that pushed my edges in ways that felt exciting. And then there was a moment that landed wrong in my body in a way I couldn’t ignore.

At some point, he noticed the U=U sticker on the back of my phone. In the middle of the scene, he asked if I was HIV negative or undetectable. I answered honestly. Undetectable.

He shared that he was HIV negative. And then, woven into the role-play, he started using language about me being “toxic.” He asked who made me that way. He asked if I had ever “converted” anyone.

I want to be clear. I’m not opposed to fantasy. I’m not fragile about sex talk. I can hold a lot of words in a consensual space. But something about that language stopped me cold.

“Toxic” wasn’t hot. It wasn’t edgy. It felt old. It felt like fear dressed up as kink.

I found myself wondering why the details mattered. Who passed it on to me. The idea of “conversion.” The implication that my body was dangerous. Even in a fantasy, those words don’t live in a vacuum.

I said no. Gently. We moved on. The role play continued. And on paper, nothing bad happened.

And yet, something shifted for me.

I realized I had just discovered a new hard limit, one I didn’t know I needed until it was crossed. I’m still sitting with why that is. Part of me feels surprised by my own reaction. Part of me feels steadied by it.

As someone who does HIV advocacy work, I spend a lot of time talking about science, stigma, and criminalization in public spaces. I’m used to explaining. I’m used to educating. I wasn’t prepared for how jarring it would feel to have those same stories show up in a private, sexual space without warning.

This isn’t about blaming someone or calling them out. It’s about noticing the gap between what we think we understand about HIV and the stories that still surface underneath in intimate spaces. Even among people who believe they are informed. Even in spaces that see themselves as sex-positive.

I don’t have a neat takeaway yet. What I have is awareness. And a clearer sense of what I am not willing to eroticize, even in play.

For now, that feels like enough.

I also know this will find its way back into my art. That’s how I process. I feel my way through my body first, then let the images come later. There will likely be a new layered piece around sex, sexual harm, and the complicated space between pleasure and injury. Around recovery, healing, and growth that isn’t linear or clean.

This experience will be part of that. Not as a reenactment, but as an imprint. The lessons I’m taking with me. The sensations that stayed in my body after the night ended. The parts I’m still listening to.

That last part will be the hardest. And it’s the one I trust the most.

Keep telling the story.

Professor Peacock

Body Positivity in Art: A New Project on Sexual Wellness

#CelebrateUU – Looking Ahead

Since 2019, I’ve been increasingly involved in bringing #CelebrateUU to life. When I first came up with the idea of celebrating #CelebrateUU anniversaries, I had no idea it would grow to a citywide exhibition. It’s a #BigMagic moment, from a book I read about the creative life (Big Magic, by Elizabeth Gilbert). I’ve learned to go with my creative flow, investing the time and energy, then seeing how far the Universe wants to me take the idea.

I’ll be releasing 10 new stories on December 1, 2024 at the exhibition opening that is part of a citywide World AIDS Day Community Reception hosted by the Marion County Public Health Department’s Ryan White HIV Services Program.

For the month exhibition, I’m grateful for sponsorship from the MCPHD Ending the HIV Epidemic Task Force, as well as Roberts Camera. I’m also grateful to the Marion County Library for allowing me to show my art in their public spaces. Through this project I learned of this FREE exhibition space – available to resident artists in Marion County!

#JustTheTip Campaign

I’ve had some creative setbacks this year – though I don’t like that language or self-talk, but it is my unfiltered mind response. I try to rephrase things today, to something like I have a great idea to raise awareness around harm reduction, and will be looking for new creative sponsorship or grant funding in 2025. There. The fact that I didn’t get the Indy Arts Council Arts for Awareness grant funding stream still stings a little. But, I have come to re-see this as a “not now, but…” response, not a “no, never” response from the Universe. That’s why I have networks with the @Indy Rainbow Chamber of Commerce, which has now gone statewide. I’ve also learned that @StepUp could be a reliable fiscal sponsor. They already serve that role for other statewide coalitions. This would allow my to ask for contributions that would be tax-deductible, that would fund the full project. I learned a lot from the grant response Q&A session after the notice of non-acceptance. It truly was a learning process – and I can’t wait to bring the #JustTheTip campaign to Indiana, on whatever level that looks. #BigMagic

Closing Out #CelebrateUU

So, when the stylized portrait phase of #CelebrateUU comes to a close on December 29th, I’ll have a huge time void. I’ve been asking the Universe to give me ideas, so I can hit the ground running. A creative life without projects is a dead one – or dying one. I’ve learned that the hard way.

I’ll have the input from my art intervention, where I ask people “How Did This #CelebrateUU Exhibit Make You Feel?” – inspired my a artistic mentor of mine. Thanks Al Duvall. HT to Dr. Carrie Foote, because I borrowed some inspiration from your workshop creative introduction. I’ll find ways to work quotes from that intervention into future social media posts, to keep working at HIV stigma through the stylized portraits and stories.

I know I want to continue to work in the HIV space artistically, but not ignoring HIV criminal reform, harm reduction, mental health, recovery, mental health. I will continue to champion the selfie portion of #CelebreateUU. That hasn’t taken off quite like I’d hope to based on the original concept. But there is time….

I’ve also thought about taking CelebrateUU statewide, or even nationally. If I could work the photo taking into a presentation or workshop, then I could take this on the road to Positive Living or US Conference on HIV/AIDS.

I know I want to get back into the @CToddDudeoir groove, and have already started that with a shoot with Logan Bloir, who I met through Man Crush Mania. I played with some of his images today. More to come…

#BodyPositiveSexPositive

I hope this isn’t passé. But, here’s my pitch to the Universe.

I want to do a creative B&W nude portrait series to promote stories of sex and body positivity. Whatever that looks like to the person(s).

Could be individuals, couples, thurples.

I’d want it to be a diverse set of individuals – age, gender identity, gender expression, sexual orientation, etc etc. I’ve learned to trust the Universe to bring me the right people. It may take time, but they show up. As they say, build it and they will come!

I like combining the storytelling with photographs. I think I want to do the series in the people’s home to be more intimate. This is out of my comfort zone – I like the control of studio lighting. So I may change my mind but location aside, it’s one of the next projects I want to work on.

The doubter in me has already started in on me. But anxiety is telling me to do this for with people who have lived experience with HIV, HepC or harm reduction. I may narrow that later. Make it a series on sexual health, wellness and prevention.

That’s what is unique about this project in terms of focus and storytelling. I’ve wanted to do something in the HIV space and I realize now that stigma is very real in both areas – well all three, so I think there is a creative trifecta here.

My goal is to start work in this in January, after I’ve completed my #celebrateuu project. Not sure what that looks like at first – but I’ll dive in and start creating.

The new challenge will be finding funding so I can give participants a reasonable stipend for sharing their story and image. But I’m getting better at writing grants and could find help to locate donors or grants. In the meantime, I can do it time for print, where in exchange for their time, people get a select set of images from the photoshoot. I prefer cash.

Just putting this idea out into the universe.

Thank you for coming to my #bigmagic ted talk.

Why did you attend our Zero HIV Stigma Day Event?

I work with HIV Modernization Movement – Indiana, which seeks to modernize Indiana’s HIV criminal and related public health laws. We celebrated Zero HIV Stigma Day this year with a special event on HIV stigma, sharing stories of how stigma shows up for Hoosiers living with HIV.

Zero HIV Stigma Day, observed annually on July 21st, is dedicated to reflection, education, and action against HIV stigma. This day highlights the harmful effects of HIV-related stigma on our society, particularly the barriers it creates to equitable access to life-saving care. It also serves as a rallying call for our communities to renew their commitment to protecting the dignity and well-being of every individual affected by HIV, regardless of their status.

We asked everyone who attended to share why they attended this year’s event. We used this as part of an interactive art exhibit on HIV stigma. There were other questions as part of this HIV Stigma Clothesline exhibit – I’ll post those later.