Tag: community

Day 144 – Being strong got me here; being weak will get me through


They say that my stinking thinking got me here…that if I really was “all that” and knew what to do, how did I end up broken, at the bottom, choosing between death and life?  Therefore, as I came into recovery, I was asked to show openness, humility and willingness — to remain teachable.  After all, it was my thinking that GOT me here!  It was me trying to be strong – to be in control – to be self-reliant.

In my morning devotional this morning, I was reminded of this…TWICE!  I particularly like the one book’s way of framing things.

“Your weakness is designed to open you up to My Power.  Therefore, do not fear your limitations or measure the day’s demands against your strength.  What I require of you is to stay connected to Me, living in trusting dependence on My limitless resources.”

Yesterday, we spend the day at the Indianapolis Children’s Museum.  I walked through the exhibit on The Power of Children Making A Difference – the story of Ryan White, Anne Frank and Ruby Bridges.  One quote in the Ryan White exhibit caught my eye.  Shawn Decker, a contemporary of Ryan White who also contracted AIDS from a blood transfusion, later said “You may discover that your greatest ‘flaw’ is in fact your greatest asset.”

God has blessed me with the grace and willingness to share my story – to use my stigmatized affliction to educate, influence, support & encourage.  In doing so, it helps me find purpose and in turn, increase my chances of staying clean & sober.  I can’t keep it if I don’t give it away, they say.  I don’t know where this journey will take me — I just need to keep doing what they told me to do when I came in the doors.  Remain open, willing and honest…and let my Higher Power be in control.  It’s in my weakness that He can do great things.

Day 121 – A Lesson on Self Reliance


A friend B. shared his “defining moment” story with me this week.  At the age of 21, he broke his neck in a diving accident.  In those moments just after his dive, as he lay in the water face down, he learned the most valuable lesson of his life.  A self-reliant swimmer and athlete, his first instinct was to turn himself over and save himself.  Just do something.  But he couldn’t.  His second instinct was to reach out for help.  He could hear the voices of his fellow students on shore.  They were accusing him of playing games and were laughing, ignoring him.  Just do something.  But others would not come to his aid. His last instinct was to pray.
Don’t just do something.  Stand there and pray.
The rest of B’s story was full of what can only be described as miracles.  Once told he would be a quadriplegic and never leave an assisted living home in order to spare his parents the grief of caring for him, he is now a father of three, a successful IT professional and an inspiring man of faith.  
He told me his story because he used to work for me – knew my story of recovery – and wanted me to know his.  He saw a lot of similarities in me from where he was prior to his “defining moment.”  Self reliant – confident – in control.  And he wanted me to know for sure how far that would not get me!  I love the way he talks about his realization in the water…self – no; others – no; God – yes.  
In sharing his story, he challenged me to take time during my “sabbatical” to get to know my Higher Power.  He challenged me to contemplate who God is.  In doing so, I realized another Book I need to spend more time in…the Bible!  Starting with the Psalms…Psalm 120 was B’s motivation.  I’ll start there.

What an amazing gift he has given me in his challenge.  I have the time!   And I had a dream last night which has me reflecting on a way to help with that contemplation.  So, I’ll continue to let that “percolate” — and see where things lead.

Day 115 – Regaining my voice with NVC


In recovery, I’ve learned that drinking and using weren’t my problems…they were the symptoms. The problems were deeper – more with me, my identity, my confidence. Over the past 10 years or so, I gradually lost my “voice” for a variety of reasons. In relationships, at work, as a member of community…I slowly let others speak for me, or tell me what to say or do. I did great at taking care of others, but didn’t work on myself. I found it harder and harder to know my own needs, let alone seek to have them met or even respected. That took me to a very dark and lonely place.


When I hit bottom, I remember praying that I could get my voice back & regain my identify.  So, this first year or so of recovery is about rediscovering CT.  Or as my friend said last night, becoming the person I was meant to be!  Funny…that exact line is from my “step one” video I made as a gratitude gift for people involved in my “day zero” — the night I called for help and was admitted for treatment.  Susan Boyle’s debut album had a song titled “Who I was born to be.”  In the weeks before I hit bottom, I held onto life sometimes by a weak string…the songs on her album, particularly that one, gave me hope.
              And though I may not
              Know the answers
              I can finally say I am free
              And if the questions
              Led me here, then
              I am who I was born to be

              And so here am I
              Open arms and ready to stand
              I’ve got the world in my hands
              And it feels like my turn to fly
One of my passions in recent years has been learning non-violent, or compassionate, communication.  It’s a way of connecting with one’s self and others through active listening. By being in better touch with one’s needs as well as seeking to understand others’ needs (stated or unstated), there’s a better chance of effectively communicating, making requests and ultimately, experiencing greater joy in relationships. I know I want to deepen my skills in this area, including more training and practice.  It takes conscious work – and much like I’m learning around managing my ego, if I consciously work on staying in contact with others, with my higher power, with my needs and feelings, it’s a lot easier to live in that “space” of compassionate communication.
I got a chance to practice NVC twice tonight.  Some of it has to do with defining boundaries, but the way I’m able to go about expressing those boundaries can be a lot more effective and well received.  By focusing on making requests, and framing the need I have behind the request in a non-judgemental way, I found success!  
The first situation was at dinner.  Someone at our table answered their cell phone and proceeded to have a conversation for several minutes, while the other three of us were trying to continue with our dinner conversation.  I simply asked the individual if they would be willing to continue their conversation away from the table.  I didn’t yell at them. I didn’t pass judgement or label them as rude or inconsiderate.  Part of what NVC tries to teach is that everyone’s needs have equal value — through non-violent (that which makes others defensive!) communication, we try to find ways that everyone’s needs can be met.  So in this case, I assumed they had a reason or a need to have the conversation at that moment.  Wanting to respect that, I offered an alternative that would still allow them to have their conversation while respecting my need to continue mine.   
Did I do it perfectly?  No.  Was it perfectly well received?  Not necessarily.  The individual got a little defensive, and didn’t seem very happy.  Next time, I’d probably loop back with them afterwards and discuss the situation to make sure they felt valued and respected.  But, this isn’t about perfection…it’s about progress.  So, I was glad I “got my voice” and spoke up.
The second situation was a follow-up to a meeting earlier this week.  The individual was repeatedly carrying on side conversations with me during a meeting.  They were typing things on their cell phone and showing me.  They were whispering in my ear.  I politely tried to ignore them without being rude.  I think they sense I was a bit annoyed, so they got in touch with me tonight via text.  
They started off the exchange saying “sorry to distract you at the meeting.”  But, then a bit passive-aggressively, they added “but I think you like it.”  So I took the opportunity to explain what my needs were and make a request for different behavior.   I simply asked, “During meetings, I am there to focus on my recovery as a priority.  I want to be able to fully listen and participate. So I would prefer to not be distracted with side conversations if they are not relevant or are lengthy.  Would you be willing to try that, understanding better why I need that during the meetings?”  Not a demand, a request.  Had he said no to the request, we would hopefully have talked more to find a way to meet both our needs satisfactorily.  But he was understanding and agreed to stop.  He apologized and said he didn’t want me to think poorly of him.  Again, I hadn’t judged him, called him rude or told him he was xxx yyy zzz.  So, it was a great chance to follow-up and reinforce the compassion and the connection I had for him: “I decided to say something to you because I respect you and want to get to know you better.  But this would have been a barrier had it continued, so I wanted to put it on the table so we could deal with it.”  
It’s usually easier for me to type/write/text stuff like this…it comes out a lot better in general without the emotional hesitation!  But the more I practice it verbally like at dinner, or even in texts!, the more I’ll get comfortable with finding the balance and consciousness I’m looking for. And the more I do that, the more I find my voice and speak up for my needs, the stronger I’ll become in my recovery and confidence.  One day at a time…easy does it!  But, progress feels good!