Tag: change

Day 144 – Being strong got me here; being weak will get me through


They say that my stinking thinking got me here…that if I really was “all that” and knew what to do, how did I end up broken, at the bottom, choosing between death and life?  Therefore, as I came into recovery, I was asked to show openness, humility and willingness — to remain teachable.  After all, it was my thinking that GOT me here!  It was me trying to be strong – to be in control – to be self-reliant.

In my morning devotional this morning, I was reminded of this…TWICE!  I particularly like the one book’s way of framing things.

“Your weakness is designed to open you up to My Power.  Therefore, do not fear your limitations or measure the day’s demands against your strength.  What I require of you is to stay connected to Me, living in trusting dependence on My limitless resources.”

Yesterday, we spend the day at the Indianapolis Children’s Museum.  I walked through the exhibit on The Power of Children Making A Difference – the story of Ryan White, Anne Frank and Ruby Bridges.  One quote in the Ryan White exhibit caught my eye.  Shawn Decker, a contemporary of Ryan White who also contracted AIDS from a blood transfusion, later said “You may discover that your greatest ‘flaw’ is in fact your greatest asset.”

God has blessed me with the grace and willingness to share my story – to use my stigmatized affliction to educate, influence, support & encourage.  In doing so, it helps me find purpose and in turn, increase my chances of staying clean & sober.  I can’t keep it if I don’t give it away, they say.  I don’t know where this journey will take me — I just need to keep doing what they told me to do when I came in the doors.  Remain open, willing and honest…and let my Higher Power be in control.  It’s in my weakness that He can do great things.

Day 142 – Taking back control…a lesson in self-will


I’ve learned recently that my recovery isn’t just about admitting I’m powerless over my addictions.  It’s really about admitting I’m powerless over life in general.  Life happens.  I’m learning how to live it on life terms, not the terms of a meth addict.  In doing so, I must learn to give up control.  Otherwise, the stress and futility of being back in the driver’s seat will drive me to drink or use again.  Literally.

As I learned this painful lesson, I started to incorporate admitting I’m powerless over x, y, z in life into my daily prayers.  Every morning now, I turn over the sale of my house, my job search, and my legal situations to my Higher Power, admitting I’m powerless over their outcomes and leaving them in His hands.  I do the legwork — “do the next right thing” to make sure I’m doing my part.  But, beyond that, it’s out of my hands.

I do pretty well with the legal situation – because in my heart, I know I’m truly incapable of influencing the outcome.  The best I can do is stay clean and sober — the rest is up to the lawyers and the judge.  But, in situations like the sale of my house, it’s easy for me to get “conned” into taking control back over.  That happened this week for me – and it was a lesson in self-will.

I had a project to finish – laying flooring in one room.  It’s been a need long before I got clean and sober — another unfinished project.  As an active addict, I didn’t care.  As a recovering addict, I still fall into those patterns of thinking sometimes.  But, I realize that I’m also afraid of failure – of screwing it up.  Without realizing it, that fear grips me and keeps me sometimes from even starting, from even trying.  I’m also a perfectionist.  And again, without realizing it, sometimes the fear of not doing something perfectly keeps me from doing it at all.  Sound logic right – if I never do something, I can’t fail…and I can’t do it incorrectly (not perfectly) if I don’t do it at all!  (And sometimes I question whether I really need to be restored to sanity – to sound thinking, with sound judgement!!!)

I know that approach is not realistic…and it’s not living life on life’s terms!

But more importantly this time, I now realize that I put SO much pressure on myself to get the project done before the next showing that I started to believe that the outcome of the next showing was 100% dependent on the project being done.  If I didn’t do this, the house wouldn’t sell!  I had taking back control of the house sale.  It wasn’t the realtor, it wasn’t the buyer, it wasn’t my Higher Power controlling the outcome.  It was CT — and the awaiting floors.  About mid-way through the project — when it was clear I wasn’t going to finish in time, after procrastinating and dawdling, I kinda lost it.  I got frustrated and stressed enough that I threw the hammer down (on the sub-flooring thank goodness!) and screamed out loud — “I can’t do this – this is crazy.”  In my mind, I was telling myself I was stupid, incapable, hopeless…nothing had changed and I was just as crazy as before.   The next thought in that sequence would be “so I might as well go back and use, cause at least I’d feel good!”

I stopped, and took a deep breath.  By God’s grace, I realized I needed to shift my thinking…or this would continue, and that next thought would come to mind and perhaps, get played out.  That was my normal pattern – – get frustrated and overwhelmed, but in true competitive spirit, never admit defeat.  With the tools of recovery, I had a choice.  I could change the direction of my stinking thinking!

So, I stood up and stopped.  I went downstairs and laid down.  I started to pray, to re-center on my Higher Power and the spiritual truth that I wasn’t in control – He was.  The outcome of the house sale wasn’t in my hands – it was in His.  The sale did NOT depend, as arrogant and self-centered as it now sounds, on the sole effort of laying new flooring in the room!

I let go, and let God back in.

Now, do I still need to do the legwork – yes.  Should I continue to procrastinate and let fear grip me – no.  But, can I do the legwork in a calm, peaceful and joyful manner, knowing where it fits into the bigger picture?   Absolutely.

So, I think I’ll hop out (again) of the driver’s seat and settle back in for the ride.  I have a much better chance of getting where I need to go! 😉

Day 132 – A lesson in recovery…nearly 100 years in the making


I haven’t been blogging as much lately – been on the road visiting my family.  My 97 year old grandmother is with us now – so we have 4 generations together for the first time since my ten month old niece was born last summer.  Our last reunion was for my grandmother’s 95th birthday.  Since then, my addiction got more active…and I chose to stay at home in Indiana for #96 and #97 because I knew my supply was guaranteed.  I chose drugging over family.  I’m so grateful for where I am today.

The topic at a meeting I was at tonight was Living in the Moment.  I reflected on the last couple of days, and got an amazing lesson in recovery.  I thought about the first day with my grandmother when she was reintroduced to my two dogs.  When she saw the dogs she asked me “are those your dogs?”  I told her yes and told her their names.  About ten minutes later she asked me again “now are those your dogs?”  I answered her again, and told her the story of how I found them.  Although her long term memory is impeccable, her short term memory is failing.  After about 6-7 times of asking and me patiently answering, she started to remember they were my dogs. 

As I reflected on living in the moment…in a sense, she has the gift of being able to live in the moment!  To a certain extent, she’s stuck in the present — but what a better place to be than being stuck in the past or the future.  When I live in the past, resentments can overwhelm me.  When I live in the future, fear can paralyze me.  When I do either, I risk missing what’s going on in the present.  But, if I stay stuck in the present, I am able to enjoy the precious gift of life in front of me.

I’m so grateful to be back in life, able to create memories with my family and enjoy the gift of today!