Tag: asking for help

Life on Life’s Terms 101: A Primer for Living


I attended a 12-step meeting this morning. The topic was “gratitude.”

A woman shared her gratitude for this particular meeting and the things she learned from people in the meeting. She told how things she learned along the way helped her this past week with some news she received.

On Thursday, she found out she has breast cancer.

“The first thing I did was write out a gratitude list.  That, I learned from K.”

“The second thing I did was recite the Serenity Prayer like we do at every meeting.  It meant a little more to me that afternoon – particularly the part about accepting the things I can not change.”

“Then I applied steps 1, 2 and 3.  I’ve learned that from T. and G. and others here in the room as they went through major events in their life. I felt a peace, knowing that my Higher Power was with me and would be with me throughout this.”

At the end of the meeting when we celebrated birthdays, she picked up her 23-year token.

This is a simple program.

End of lesson.

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FUNK: Talking, Discovering, Resolving. What Am I Waiting For?


I’m in a funk. And, it’s bugging me because I don’t like being in a funk. And I don’t know why.

Part of me says, “just allow myself to feel and be in the funk. I’m powerless over my feelings. I can’t control them.” I’ve been told to just apply the 12 steps to my feelings, and find acceptance. Find serenity in the things I can not change.

But, then I struggle with another tool my therapist has helped me with — using feelings to get in touch with what’s going on — using my feelings to identify what events led to my feelings in order to resolve the initial event with healthy actions.

EVENT —>   THOUGHTS (interpretations) —> EMOTIONS —> ACTIONS

For example, when I’m sad, it’s because there is a loss, or the ending of something. The unhealthy reaction I’m used to is to numb the feeling, or to replace the loss with something so I don’t have to feel the sadness. The healthier action is to grieve, to let go. Once I’ve lived through that sadness and grief, then I can replace. “Grieve and replace” instead of just “replace.”

EVENT —>   THOUGHTS (interpretations) —> EMOTIONS —> ACTIONS

Loss or ending in a relationship—————————–> SAD ———>  Grieve and Replace

But that tool is not helping me so far because I haven’t figured out what’s going on.

Or maybe I know why, and I just don’t want to dig there. Because I still don’t trust my emotions.

 

Then there’s this other angle on being in a funk: the only thing we can control is how we react to situations. Well, I can’t change my feelings. I feel funky and sad — and I don’t know why, and I don’t know what to do with it. And I’m not able to just turn it off and say, “good morning – I choose to be happy today.”

And that bugs me.

And confuses me.

I’m struggling.

I’m not using.  I’m not running from it.  Though, I guess I am ignoring it — not digging into the feelings and letting them clue me into what is going on. I am checking out – sleeping – isolating.

And what I realize is I don’t process well. I don’t talk to anyone regularly about what’s going on in my day – never did, and probably haven’t for so long because I’ve been alone or on my own. I have also managed to keep people away – avoiding intimate friendships or relationships. But, I know when I do talk about events, situations in my day, I am able to see (or be helped to see) what’s going on, and how I’m feeling. If I don’t get it off my chest or diffuse it or learn to resolve the initial event with healthy action, then it festers, grows out of proportion and becomes a mountain.

So here I am again.

Realizing I’m alone – by choice – and that wall gets me to the same place every time I bang my head against it.

Nothing changes if nothing changes.

So is it that the tool isn’t helping me…or I’m choosing not to use the tool?

Choosing not to trust my emotions – or to fear them – even though I have data (experience) that they do lead me to an authentic understanding of myself. In fact, they help me discover my true self.

So what am I waiting for?

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My Ego Has Landed


Well, hopefully it’s been right-sized – or in the process of being right-sized!

I continue to be at peace around my decision to either slow down or put on hold plans to start my own business, in favor of taking a position with a software company. I’m realizing how much of my self was already being wrapped up in it albeit subtly. With a history of finding my identity in my work, this is a way of thinking that I need to relearn.  That takes time and practice. With this job, I’ll have time and energy to focus on my continued growth, strengthening my foundation of recovery. The wider the foundation, the higher the point of freedom.

A fellow addict shared in a meeting today that after years of sobriety, he had relapsed – and fallen hard.  He was coming back into treatment and recovery after being out for several months.  He talked about how part of his downfall was he “thought he had arrived.”  His ego had landed, too!  In his thinking he started to take his will back.  As he did so, it became easier to justify not going to meetings – and not calling his friends in recovery.  And one thing led to another, and he was out using again. He shared how important it was for him to have learned the need for to stay connected spiritually, constantly seeking his higher power‘s will.

His sharing seemed to underscore for me the wisdom in my recent choice – wisdom that was quite honestly not my own. I realize now that when my sponsor had first shared his concerns about me starting a business this early in recovery, I downplayed them. I even took his advice and asked others in recovery who knew me well. I latched on to one individual who supported me, using that to discount my sponsor’s input.  Dangerous ground, I’m realizing now.  I could see the “higher road” — but wanted the road I was on.  It didn’t necessarily feel like an easy road…but it was one I clung to dearly.

Granted – lest I’m too hard on myself or start to second guess everything going on right now – I did not have any other options. There were no interviews of job offers. Were my searches robust…not consistently. But when the options DID come forward recently, I prayed to my higher power and sought guidance from others.  I tried to remain open-minded and willing.  When I realized that I really was grasping the rice pretty hard…the lessons started to unfold for me.

Experience is the worst teacher. It always gives the test first and the instruction afterward. — Niklaus Wirth

Learning to be open.

Learning to accept.

Learning to keep my ego in check.

Learning to be honest – with myself first and foremost.