Day 88 – I cook with wine…


…sometimes I even add it to the food.     WC Fields


I was doing dishes yesterday after baking banana bread and was looking out the window, enjoying the view of the woods, nature and my 2 dogs enjoying the warming Spring-like weather.  Then, I noticed a quote in my window I had received as a gift.  A small wooden sign had the wine/cooking quote from WC Fields.  Anyone who knows me and my love for wine and cooking knows this rang true for me.  I love wine, particularly good red wine.  I lived with a French family in Luxemburg as an exchange student and grew to appreciate fine wine through that experience.  When I lived in the UK, the wine store was 2 blocks down and with a wider variety of wines than most US stores at the time (late 90’s), I expanded my palette.  I turned 30 when I lived there in Chester and a friend gave me a bottle of French bordeaux.  He told me to keep it for a special occasion – perhaps my 40th.  I’ve transported that wine now from the UK to North Carolina to Puerto Rico to Indiana, guarding it for a special occasion.  I didn’t bring it out for my 40th, but had been saving it for the right small gathering of friends who could enjoy it with me.

Then 12/21 came…and I entered recovery!  And although I primarily identify myself as an addict, I recognized early on that alcohol was a trigger.  More than once, my resolve to lay off the meth was melted with a vodka martini or cosmopolitan.  The wisdom from other addicts proved true recently when I almost stumbled with a lingering bottle of aged rum. It reconfirmed for me that alcohol is just another drug; that my illness is cunning and will go to great lengths to seduce me back into active addiction.

I can remember telling my dad, less than 60 days out of treatment, that “for now I choose not to drink.  But perhaps some day I’ll be able to enjoy a nice glass of red wine with dinner.”  Even as the words rolled off my tongue, I knew the foolishness of what I was saying.  The experience of others confirms the misconception.  I heard a story this week of a guy who started with just a sip at a party of a new lemon martini…and within a month, he had fallen hard.  The good news is he found the strength to come back in the rooms, finding the support,  encouragement and unconditional love he needed to reclaim sobriety.  But, not everyone is able to do so.

Seeing that sign was a reminder…that a  glass of red wine with dinner would turn into drinking a bottle of wine while cooking, then into worse.  Nope, I understand even more deeply – I’m an alcoholic addict.  Full stop.  No reservations or qualifications.

So what became of that bottle of wine?

I recently went to dinner with some very dear friends, one of which I’ve known for almost 20 years.  They would have been one of the couples with whom I would have savored the wine in celebration.  I brought them the bottle and explained its history.  At first, as I expected, they insisted on keeping it until I was able to enjoy it with them.  But I explained to them that this is a lifelong process — there are no pre-planned detours — my life depends on that.  So, while my primary drug of choice is crystal meth, I must face the truth that all drugs must go with the same conviction and commitment.  I could see in my friends’ faces a deeper level of understanding and acceptance.  I caught a glimpse of sadness as they realized the gravity…but I also know there are so many other ways that we can celebrate and have fun.  And, I know they understand that as well.  For starters, he and his wife know that I’m here – alive – able to celebrate period!  Had December 21st transpired differently, that wouldn’t have been the case.

So, WC Fields – I also bid you farewell. I’ll talk with B. and ask her to replace you with another saying more in line with my recovery.  Deeper than the quote on a board was the gift and the memory it brings of friends and family.  That, I don’t want to lose.  So, I’ll simply replace it with something that can carry the same message and be in line with my recovery….further proof that recovery doesn’t mean the end of enjoying life.  In fact, it’s the beginning of really enjoying the emotions & experiences that life brings — on life’s terms.  For that, I’m grateful.

Day 87 – 30 day misery back guarantee!


I opened yesterday’s mail this morning.  Note to self – DON’T do that again before morning meditation and prayers…and coffee!

I received all of the paperwork from my separation.  COBRA decisions…life insurance…401K rollover.  The blessing is I have the ability to make these choices.  But, it’s still overwhelming.  How do families with kids do this?  My company recently started their ~30% workforce reduction cuts — I was told of at least two married couples with kids who were both let go.  Without a salary, how do they even face the morning like I do?  All these decisions to make – such little time – and no income.  It could be paralyzing.  Some days it is – I didn’t get out of bed on Monday.  (Note the gap in journal entries!)  But, if I just focus on staying clean and sober for today…and do the next right thing, face the next decision, and pray for peace…I can make it.  God didn’t bring me THIS far to abandon me!

I’m reminding of a phrase from my treatment time and early days of sobriety (not THAT long ago!)  “If you’re not completely satisfied and convinced that recovery can work – we will gladly refund your misery.”  Yep, it’s the 30-day misery back guarantee.  At any point, I can choose to go back to the using – the drinking – the escape – the numbness.  And at any point, I know what that will bring…isolation, depression, misery, despair.  Every morning, part of my prayers includes acknowledging that I am powerless over my addiction.  For a couple of seconds, I allow myself to think back to December 21, 2009 and remember my bottom.  Is that what I want to return to?  Really?

Thankfully, no.  Despite the overwhelming feelings at times — the tough choices — the feelings of anger and betrayal that resurface on days like today — I know that each and every day of sobriety I’ve enjoyed has been far better than any day of using.  Even my WORST day in the past 87 was far more livable than my days in addiction.  And for that, I’m grateful.

I’ll let that misery back guarantee expire.  There is no turning back.

Day 86 – Prozac for addiction? Would you take "the pill?"


Someone brought up an interesting question tonight.  There are some medications out there to help curb cravings or make you sick if you drink.  If they came up with a pill that would “cure” addiction, would you take it?  If it meant taking a pill for the rest of your life – would you swap recovery, meetings and working a program for a pill?

It raises an interesting question…

For me, I fall back on what I learned about Prozac and other anti-depressants.  They aren’t the cure for depression – just like Xanax was never intended for long term treatment of anxiety.  The idea behind anti-depressants is to stabilize one’s brain chemistry to allow one to work on the root causes of one’s depression.  Believe it or not, the drug companies never intended the Prozac’s to be the end all solution — at least as I understand it.  And I used to work for one…

So for me, whether there is a pill or not — the key for my recovery was realizing that drinking wasn’t my problem…using wasn’t my problem  As one guy I know introduces himself, “Hi I’m an addict – and Brian is my problem.”  For me it was the feeling of not fitting in — the low self esteem.  I am a perfectionist and never felt like I (or others!) could live up to my standards.  I am a people pleaser.  I worry about what people think about me.  I feel like I’m an impostor at work and someday, someone is going to figure me out and call me out!   That was my thinking…my mental (and ultimately spiritual!) malady.  That’s what I have to work on…the comparisons, the judgments…my sense of self, my sense of worth.  The alcohol or drugs were just another attempt to fill that emptiness I felt inside.

What I’ve grown to appreciate is that we all feel that to one degree or another — we all have our insecurities.  None of us are perfect; we’re all broken.  Thankfully, in my brokenness, I found a connection with my Higher Power — for me, it’s God.  And in that relationship, I’ve learned that He loves me no matter what.  He loves me because I’m His precious son.  He loves us all because we are unique, treasured children of God.  And, because we’re separated from Him, we have a void…a hole that we try to fill in so many futile ways.  That’s my problem.

I’m learning that even with my low self-esteem, it’s my ego that is at the root of my illness.  My ego gets in my way of my loving God — of my fellow human beings — of my own need for wholeness.  The more I learn to leave my ego out — to accept my brokenness and in that acceptance, find forgiveness and grace — the more I find what I’ve so desperately sought.  I’ve tried to find it in work, in relationships, in sex, in alcohol, in drugs, in constantly moving from one state or country to another.  None of that will ever suffice.  I need to stop running, stop chasing the next high, stop looking for someone to “complete me.”  I just need to surrender to my Higher Power.  Once I understand and accept that spiritual brokenness, I can see others as the same — broken, forgiven, and in need of God’s love manifest in others.

It’s a long road…and whether they find a pill or not, the hard work still has to be done.  The Truth has to be sought and found.  This is a physical, mental and spiritual disease.  Pills may work on the physical cravings; they may even someday help with the mental brain chemistry.  But only prayer and a spiritual relationship with one’s Higher Power will mend the spiritual part of this disease.  And that is the beauty of recovery!