Day 126 – Hurting people hurt…so find the source of the pain!


A friend of mine shared this catch phrase with me last week and it has stuck with me.  This concept has helped me in the past as I grew to understand it.  It aligns with Non-Violent (Compassionate) Communication that I’ve been incorporating into my life over time.  And it described me today!  I lashed out at someone, creating an opportunity to make an amends!  As someone once said, put down the shovel and stop digging…  I have another hole to fill in.

But, the real question is…what was the source of my pain, causing me to hurt…

I’ve been in a mood since yesterday and I’ve been trying to figure it out.  I’ve lapsed into a little of my cross-addiction behaviors — spending time chatting online, looking to fill an emptiness.  But, this time I’ve stopped doing and running and tried to figure out what’s going on.  That’s one of the tools I’ve learned — interrupt the cycle, the normal behavior pattern where situation drives a feeling and feeling creates a behavior.  That gives me a chance to alter the behavior…thus keeping my feelings from controlling my behaviors!  And more importantly, allows me to feel what I need to feel instead of running from them!

I meditated this morning in the shower (it’s works for me!)  And, a lightbulb finally went on. 

I figured out what event created the feelings of loneliness, that were driving the behavior to chat and “act out.”  My cross addiction is people – relationships – sex.  I use them to avoid feeling loss or grief; it’s essentially using people to numb my feelings.  But I know it doesn’t make them go away.  I also know they aren’t bad feelings – they are expected, normal, nothing to be afraid of.  But for years – decades – I’ve “used” people to hide from my feelings just like I’ve used drugs and alcohol.  And part of my recovery is working to align my behaviors with my values. I value people as children of god. I value intimacy, and sex as a means of expressing that intimacy in a loving relationship.  So, having anonymous sex isn’t aligned with those values.  Even casual sex with friends gets confusing and creates other feelings that usually don’t help what I’m going through. 

As I start to work more on my cross-addiction, I’m wanting to find a different way to relate to people that meets my needs more effectively. I’m not there yet – but this time at least I stopped myself, and took some time to figure out why.  And now, instead of numbing, I can take time to grieve the losses in my life — experience the feelings, the sadness, the regret, the anger.  And then, as those feelings get worked through in a healthy way, they pass…  And in doing so, I learn that feelings don’t have to control my behaviors. 

So although I have an amends to make because of my pain, I was able to notice the behavior and stop myself…and figure out what was going on.  I figured out what I was feeling on multiple levels and why.  I dug through recent days to understand the event that triggered the feelings, but also the unresolved loss from my past.  It was unresolved because in my active addiction and using, I never allowed myself to fully experience the grief that comes from loss…the sadness, the regret, the emptiness.  And my “familiar” patterns of addiction were trying to rear their ugly heads.  It’s easier for me to avoid my feelings — numb them — or lash out, act out elsewhere so as to divert my attention!  But, slowly, with each day of my recovery, I’m learning a different pattern…find the pain, work through it, and move on.

Day 121 – A Lesson on Self Reliance


A friend B. shared his “defining moment” story with me this week.  At the age of 21, he broke his neck in a diving accident.  In those moments just after his dive, as he lay in the water face down, he learned the most valuable lesson of his life.  A self-reliant swimmer and athlete, his first instinct was to turn himself over and save himself.  Just do something.  But he couldn’t.  His second instinct was to reach out for help.  He could hear the voices of his fellow students on shore.  They were accusing him of playing games and were laughing, ignoring him.  Just do something.  But others would not come to his aid. His last instinct was to pray.
Don’t just do something.  Stand there and pray.
The rest of B’s story was full of what can only be described as miracles.  Once told he would be a quadriplegic and never leave an assisted living home in order to spare his parents the grief of caring for him, he is now a father of three, a successful IT professional and an inspiring man of faith.  
He told me his story because he used to work for me – knew my story of recovery – and wanted me to know his.  He saw a lot of similarities in me from where he was prior to his “defining moment.”  Self reliant – confident – in control.  And he wanted me to know for sure how far that would not get me!  I love the way he talks about his realization in the water…self – no; others – no; God – yes.  
In sharing his story, he challenged me to take time during my “sabbatical” to get to know my Higher Power.  He challenged me to contemplate who God is.  In doing so, I realized another Book I need to spend more time in…the Bible!  Starting with the Psalms…Psalm 120 was B’s motivation.  I’ll start there.

What an amazing gift he has given me in his challenge.  I have the time!   And I had a dream last night which has me reflecting on a way to help with that contemplation.  So, I’ll continue to let that “percolate” — and see where things lead.

Day 120 – Family ties that burden our hearts


The devotional I read this morning spoke to the family ties with this disease.  Addiction is a family disease but we could only change ourselves.  As an engineer, three data points make a trend.  And I had MORE than three data points on this in the past 24 hours.  So, I’m moved to share.

I already mentioned the woman who came up to me after my mini-lead at church on Sunday, asking if we could meet sometime to talk about her son who she believes is in addiction.  That’s been weighing on my mind.  What can I do to help?  What can I say to ease her burden?  What have I learned through my experience?

To add to the trend,  I saw someone from my past yesterday who is struggling again with her addiction…suicidal, bitter, wondering what is left in life.  I was at a loss for what to say.  I had lunch with a friend today who’s ex-spouse went through a similar “full regiment” of treatment to mine.  She is back in active addiction, which is tearing their 13 year old daughter apart. Tonight, I had dinner with a friend whose two children are addicts as well.  He shared of the painful anguish he went through watching them suffer in past years – they are thankfully in recovery today but I could feel the past weariness in his voice.  I have a close family member who is in active addiction; she is never far from my heart as I think of her denial.  And this evening before going to bed, I got a lengthy email from a former colleague who’s brother is starting down the long road of recovery — and the painful “tough love” choices her family has had to make over the years.  Clearly, the message of family ties in addition and recovery was the focus of my thoughts today.

The answers to these situation are so tough.  I know – I’m there myself.  And I see it in others’ eyes and hear the grief in their voice. I remember my inpatient roommate Michael B’s father’s voice when we talked on the phone about Michael’s relapse during treatment after inpatient.  They had used their life savings to send him to rehab at the age of 24.  For years, they could not trust Michael to be in their home unsupervised.  He broke into my house and stole from me – an inexpensive lesson for me early on about trusting fellow addicts in early recovery.  I could hear the grief in his father’s voice that night – yet I’m sure he was no longer able to shed a tear.  They had been through so much, but knew the best thing was to let go.  Today, God only knows where Michael B is…

As family members — mothers, sisters, sons, spouses, brothers, fathers — there is so much we want to do, but so little we can do on our own.  The devotional continued this morning our group experience has taught us that, frequently, we are too close to our relatives to help them. We learn it is better to leave them in our Higher Power’s care.  I am so used to doing, helping…and yet, in these close blood relationships, it’s the most dangerous thing I can probably do.  It can do more harm – I know what it was like for me when someone close tried too hard out of love…the emotional ties were too strong for the assistance to be of much help.  It only sent me further into my addiction.

So what then?

Do we sit back and watch our loved ones suffer?  Go to jail?  Lose everything?  Lose hope?

No.  Don’t just do something.  Stand there.

Well, kneel there…and pray.  Turn it over to my Higher Power.  It really tests my faith.  Do I believe in the power of prayer?  Can I really let go of the need to DO SOMETHING?!  Can I let go and let god?

I think back now on my church’s prayer chain, praying for me as soon as I called 911.  I know my mom enlisted multiple prayer chains in New Jersey for me.  My sister had my listed with her church.  And I can see the results today…my Higher Power at work in my life.

And yet, I face my family members addiction…or the conversation with the woman from church…and I wonder what to say.  I doubt the power of prayer.  Why?

Now I remember why at every meeting when we say the serenity prayer proceeded by a moment of silence for “the addict who still suffers,” I whisper 4 names to myself — Michael B and three others I will keep in my heart.  Why?  Because deep inside, I do know the power of prayer.  I believe.  I’ve seen it work.  For those four especially, it’s all I can do.

Don’t just do something.  Stand there and pray.