Category: Recovery

Day 87 – 30 day misery back guarantee!


I opened yesterday’s mail this morning.  Note to self – DON’T do that again before morning meditation and prayers…and coffee!

I received all of the paperwork from my separation.  COBRA decisions…life insurance…401K rollover.  The blessing is I have the ability to make these choices.  But, it’s still overwhelming.  How do families with kids do this?  My company recently started their ~30% workforce reduction cuts — I was told of at least two married couples with kids who were both let go.  Without a salary, how do they even face the morning like I do?  All these decisions to make – such little time – and no income.  It could be paralyzing.  Some days it is – I didn’t get out of bed on Monday.  (Note the gap in journal entries!)  But, if I just focus on staying clean and sober for today…and do the next right thing, face the next decision, and pray for peace…I can make it.  God didn’t bring me THIS far to abandon me!

I’m reminding of a phrase from my treatment time and early days of sobriety (not THAT long ago!)  “If you’re not completely satisfied and convinced that recovery can work – we will gladly refund your misery.”  Yep, it’s the 30-day misery back guarantee.  At any point, I can choose to go back to the using – the drinking – the escape – the numbness.  And at any point, I know what that will bring…isolation, depression, misery, despair.  Every morning, part of my prayers includes acknowledging that I am powerless over my addiction.  For a couple of seconds, I allow myself to think back to December 21, 2009 and remember my bottom.  Is that what I want to return to?  Really?

Thankfully, no.  Despite the overwhelming feelings at times — the tough choices — the feelings of anger and betrayal that resurface on days like today — I know that each and every day of sobriety I’ve enjoyed has been far better than any day of using.  Even my WORST day in the past 87 was far more livable than my days in addiction.  And for that, I’m grateful.

I’ll let that misery back guarantee expire.  There is no turning back.

Day 86 – Prozac for addiction? Would you take "the pill?"


Someone brought up an interesting question tonight.  There are some medications out there to help curb cravings or make you sick if you drink.  If they came up with a pill that would “cure” addiction, would you take it?  If it meant taking a pill for the rest of your life – would you swap recovery, meetings and working a program for a pill?

It raises an interesting question…

For me, I fall back on what I learned about Prozac and other anti-depressants.  They aren’t the cure for depression – just like Xanax was never intended for long term treatment of anxiety.  The idea behind anti-depressants is to stabilize one’s brain chemistry to allow one to work on the root causes of one’s depression.  Believe it or not, the drug companies never intended the Prozac’s to be the end all solution — at least as I understand it.  And I used to work for one…

So for me, whether there is a pill or not — the key for my recovery was realizing that drinking wasn’t my problem…using wasn’t my problem  As one guy I know introduces himself, “Hi I’m an addict – and Brian is my problem.”  For me it was the feeling of not fitting in — the low self esteem.  I am a perfectionist and never felt like I (or others!) could live up to my standards.  I am a people pleaser.  I worry about what people think about me.  I feel like I’m an impostor at work and someday, someone is going to figure me out and call me out!   That was my thinking…my mental (and ultimately spiritual!) malady.  That’s what I have to work on…the comparisons, the judgments…my sense of self, my sense of worth.  The alcohol or drugs were just another attempt to fill that emptiness I felt inside.

What I’ve grown to appreciate is that we all feel that to one degree or another — we all have our insecurities.  None of us are perfect; we’re all broken.  Thankfully, in my brokenness, I found a connection with my Higher Power — for me, it’s God.  And in that relationship, I’ve learned that He loves me no matter what.  He loves me because I’m His precious son.  He loves us all because we are unique, treasured children of God.  And, because we’re separated from Him, we have a void…a hole that we try to fill in so many futile ways.  That’s my problem.

I’m learning that even with my low self-esteem, it’s my ego that is at the root of my illness.  My ego gets in my way of my loving God — of my fellow human beings — of my own need for wholeness.  The more I learn to leave my ego out — to accept my brokenness and in that acceptance, find forgiveness and grace — the more I find what I’ve so desperately sought.  I’ve tried to find it in work, in relationships, in sex, in alcohol, in drugs, in constantly moving from one state or country to another.  None of that will ever suffice.  I need to stop running, stop chasing the next high, stop looking for someone to “complete me.”  I just need to surrender to my Higher Power.  Once I understand and accept that spiritual brokenness, I can see others as the same — broken, forgiven, and in need of God’s love manifest in others.

It’s a long road…and whether they find a pill or not, the hard work still has to be done.  The Truth has to be sought and found.  This is a physical, mental and spiritual disease.  Pills may work on the physical cravings; they may even someday help with the mental brain chemistry.  But only prayer and a spiritual relationship with one’s Higher Power will mend the spiritual part of this disease.  And that is the beauty of recovery!

Day 85 – Naming, blessing and embracing my talents


I was meeting with a friend yesterday and he introduced me to a small group of men doing some amazing work with youth and community (http://kheprw.org/). In introducing me, he named what he saw as my gifts. He mentioned that I was creative and a connector. For many years, I’ve balked at being called creative. I don’t see myself as such. But, now, in a more humble manner of listening and removing my own ego…I’m able to hear more what others see in me. And, I’m more open to embracing those talents, those gifts — naming and blessing and celebrating them.

Along those lines, I was recently reconnected with a man who had a great influence on my life as an elementary school teacher. As a young boy of 10 years old moving from Louisiana to Canada, I remember facing the teasing from my peers, having a funny accent. 😉 I was also young and short for my age. Skipped a grade while in Canada made that “difference” even more pronounced. There were two men – Mr. Rogers and Mr. Heady – who went out of their way to make me feel welcome. They “took me under their wings” and broke down the barriers my accent created, and helped me connect with the students. I have ALWAYS shared fondly of my time in Sarnia and spoken of these two men. Well, recently, a friend from Sarnia connected with me on Facebook and told me that Mr. Rogers was looking to reconnect with students. What a great blessing! And as we started to reconnected, Mr. Rogers wrote back, “Remember you as one of those students who brought the fire for learning to class every day.”

So completing that spirit of naming by gifts — some of them I see more fully today are…curious; connector; creative; fire for learning.