Category: Recovery

Day 91 – Goodbye Letter to Crystal Meth


I was going through my notebook from treatment and came across a good-bye letter I wrote to my drug of choice, crystal meth. It was an exercise during inpatient they had us do as we left inpatient to whatever next phase of treatment we were heading. It was a way to bring closure to the ending relationship with our “best friend.” We read these out loud to our group.  Since I came across it, I thought I’d share it here.

Dear Crystal

I never felt like I fit in – I was always sitting on the outside of life looking in.  I’ve moved every 3 years for the past 18 years and until recently (2009) I’ve never lived anywhere longer than 4 years since I was 10 years old. So, I hardly had close friends, let alone a best friend.

Then, I was introduced to you nine years ago.  You’ve taken many shapes and sizes through the years depending on what was available — ecstasy, GHB, pot, “special K,” cocaine and finally crystal meth. Through all the moves, ups and downs and relationships, you stuck with me. Of all my friends, you’re the one who always reached out to me – called me – called me back – never let me go too long before you checked in on me. I needed and craved the attention.  Thank you.

You helped me to fit in. I got to hang with fun people and dance and party to make up for my lost days at college. I had sex with guys would have never given me the time of day were it not for the crystal or coke I brought to the table. You even helped me stay in a loving relationship for seven years. In the end, faced with a choice between my best friend of nine years and the man who shared my life for seven years through all sorts of crap, I chose my DOC – crystal meth. Although it ultimately was the best choice for us both, it’s been a painful loss. But as painful as our breakup was, I saw it as an opportunity to get more deeply involved with you, crystal meth. A couple times a week turned into several times a day. I turned down family vacations to be with you. I have yet to meet my new niece born in July 2009 because I didn’t want to leave you. I missed my grandmother’s 96th and 97th birthdays because I wasn’t sure I could find you out East. With all of the phone calls I didn’t take or voicemails I erased without listening, I could have lost my grandmother…and missed her funeral…because of you. In my final moments of despair, I would have even taken the life of my dogs as well as my own because of you.

That is my friend.
That is my best friend.

That’s bullshit.

What do they say — with friends like you, who needs enemies.

Crystal Meth, I’m ending this friendship.  Instead, I choose my two nieces and two nephews.

Crystal Meth, to you I say good-bye and reacquaint myself with my family, including my 97 year old grandmother who is still alive and well.

Crystal Meth, I’m tired of wasting time with you, and instead will return to my hobbies of model trains, gardening, cooking and photography.

Crystal Meth, I’m no longer confining myself to Greenfield, isolated and alone with you, a butane torch and a pipe. Instead I’m going to once again pursue my love of travel and visit other parts of the US and the world.

Crystal Meth, I’m replacing you with my new thirteen best friends…the twelve steps of my program and my Higher Power. I’m reconnecting with my other friends who have stood by me and always been there even when I abandoned them.

Goodbye crystal meth.
Goodbye addiction.
Hello Recovery.

Signed,


CT
January 4, 2010

As an engineer, along with my letter, I came up with my personal formula for Recovery (of course).  I shared it with the group that last day of inpatient:

CT / [f(a) -1] x fb + [t + 15] x r = CT’     where a={c,cm,x,k,420,g}

CT (me) was divided by the function of addiction f(a)^ less One, his Higher Power…multiply that by Fairbanks and add/allow for [time to heal + 15 friends*] multiplied by Recovery and the outcome is equal to a renewed CT in his prime ‘

^where a is a function {cocaine, crystal meth, ecstasy, special K, pot and GHB}

*15 new friends as my Higher Power is the Christian Trinity –> Father, Son and Holy Spirit…so the twelve steps of my program plus 3 😉

Day 90 – Pregnant, PAWS or life?



These last days have felt like being on an emotional roller coaster. One minute I’m joyous and full of life, the next I’m anxious and paralyzed; I get easily irritated around other people and feel lonely when I’m by myself; I’m optimistic and glad for the changes in my life, then I get angry, sad and scared. I’ve become obsessed with certain matters needing resolution, and have blissfully ignored others…arguably more urgent and of higher priority.  What’s going ON!?!  I feel like I’m either pregnant, experiencing PAWS (post-acute withdrawal syndrome), or life.  Since medically speaking I’m unable to get pregnant – being a man 😉 – my guess is a combination of PAWS and life.


I’ve been told there’s a reason they give 30, 60, 90 day and 6 month, year and 18 month tokens. One often suffers from physical & mental affects of PAWS (http://www.addictionsandrecovery.org/post-acute-withdrawal.htm) around those intervals. So, in addition to just giving stepping stones of success along the way, they are designed to give an extra “boost” to the recovering alcoholic or addict who is likely +/- a week hitting some of the symptoms of PAWS and beginning to wonder.  I hit it at 50 days…and around 85 days 🙂  These past days, it feels like I’ve been using again!  Friday night, I was basically up all night.  I was wired – partially anxious about my legal situation – but mainly wired.  I got about 2 hours of sleep…literally.  Finally, at 3:30am, I got up and did work around the house! I’ve been a bit edgy, distracted as if with ADD while also laser-like in single-tasking, and emotionally charged. Hmm…let’s look up side-effects of crystal meth…sounds like much the last 18 months of my life on meth!

I also think I’m experiencing some of the frustration of the “meth wall.”  

Meth addicts get over the acute effects of withdrawal fairly quickly. However, the “wall” period lasts 6-8 months for casual users and 2-3 years for regular users. (Some people never recover and remain unsatisfied with life due to permanent brain damage.) This is a period of prolonged abstinence during which the brain recovers from the changes resulting from meth use. During this period, recovering addicts feel depressed, fuzzyheaded, and think life isn’t as pleasurable without the drug. 

Although life is pleasurable and I’m feeling things once again, the depression and fuzzyheaded-ness is playing tricks with my mind.


Of course, then there’s life.  I have said I want to experience life on life’s terms…not on the terms of a meth addict! And I do mean that!  But with that comes – ups and downs; people, places and things that frustrate me; feelings and emotions. All that sh*& I escaped from…the loss, the grieving, the frustration, the emptiness.  It’s all here – in living colour – in hi-definition – in surround sound!  And sometimes, it gets to be overwhelming!  But, I know it’s better than the alternative…so I pray for serenity — look for the good — and turn things over to my Higher Power.  It’s sometimes harder said than done because it’s a new habit…I forget…I get caught up in old ways of thinking. But, when I do remember…or get reminded by those around me in recovery…it gets better.


The other thing I’m realizing is that for the past 90 days (!), I’ve largely lived in an either a sheltered world of recovery (in- and out-patient; twelve step meetings) or an isolated world at home, away from people and “life.”  Since I’ve lost my job, the extremes have compounded.  For the most part, I’m either in recovery meetings or at home…with some volunteering at church.  When I have been social, it’s been 1:1 with people I love, who care for me and who listen & share. Frankly, it’s been somewhat self-centered; to a certain extent, it has probably needed to be that way.  I’m learning to live & think differently – to wear a new pair of glasses, as the book goes.  So, to a certain extent, it’s been 90 days “about me.”  And that’s ok.  But now, I’m trying to expand that circle & return to reality — to go out with folks before/after meetings; to forge new friendships & get to know people; to face some pretty tough legal and employment challenges. And, that puts me “back in real life” — where it’s not all about me, where there are people who are bitter & angry as well as peaceful & joy-filled.  And simply put – I’m not used to that!  For the past 90 days of recovery – and the prior 2+ years of heaving using…it’s either been about me, or I’ve numbed myself from reality! 


So, I just put that out there for me to remember looking back.  I’m where I need to be… It’s ok to be human and make mistakes… I don’t have to get along with everyone… and life does have challenges which I can face with the grace & strength of my HP, through which I will grow stronger and survive — and be far better off on the other side. 

For that, I’m grateful.  

For now, I must slow down, breathe and give myself a break…


Good night.  Oh, and HAPPY BIRTHDAY to me!  By the grace of god…

Day 88 – I cook with wine…


…sometimes I even add it to the food.     WC Fields


I was doing dishes yesterday after baking banana bread and was looking out the window, enjoying the view of the woods, nature and my 2 dogs enjoying the warming Spring-like weather.  Then, I noticed a quote in my window I had received as a gift.  A small wooden sign had the wine/cooking quote from WC Fields.  Anyone who knows me and my love for wine and cooking knows this rang true for me.  I love wine, particularly good red wine.  I lived with a French family in Luxemburg as an exchange student and grew to appreciate fine wine through that experience.  When I lived in the UK, the wine store was 2 blocks down and with a wider variety of wines than most US stores at the time (late 90’s), I expanded my palette.  I turned 30 when I lived there in Chester and a friend gave me a bottle of French bordeaux.  He told me to keep it for a special occasion – perhaps my 40th.  I’ve transported that wine now from the UK to North Carolina to Puerto Rico to Indiana, guarding it for a special occasion.  I didn’t bring it out for my 40th, but had been saving it for the right small gathering of friends who could enjoy it with me.

Then 12/21 came…and I entered recovery!  And although I primarily identify myself as an addict, I recognized early on that alcohol was a trigger.  More than once, my resolve to lay off the meth was melted with a vodka martini or cosmopolitan.  The wisdom from other addicts proved true recently when I almost stumbled with a lingering bottle of aged rum. It reconfirmed for me that alcohol is just another drug; that my illness is cunning and will go to great lengths to seduce me back into active addiction.

I can remember telling my dad, less than 60 days out of treatment, that “for now I choose not to drink.  But perhaps some day I’ll be able to enjoy a nice glass of red wine with dinner.”  Even as the words rolled off my tongue, I knew the foolishness of what I was saying.  The experience of others confirms the misconception.  I heard a story this week of a guy who started with just a sip at a party of a new lemon martini…and within a month, he had fallen hard.  The good news is he found the strength to come back in the rooms, finding the support,  encouragement and unconditional love he needed to reclaim sobriety.  But, not everyone is able to do so.

Seeing that sign was a reminder…that a  glass of red wine with dinner would turn into drinking a bottle of wine while cooking, then into worse.  Nope, I understand even more deeply – I’m an alcoholic addict.  Full stop.  No reservations or qualifications.

So what became of that bottle of wine?

I recently went to dinner with some very dear friends, one of which I’ve known for almost 20 years.  They would have been one of the couples with whom I would have savored the wine in celebration.  I brought them the bottle and explained its history.  At first, as I expected, they insisted on keeping it until I was able to enjoy it with them.  But I explained to them that this is a lifelong process — there are no pre-planned detours — my life depends on that.  So, while my primary drug of choice is crystal meth, I must face the truth that all drugs must go with the same conviction and commitment.  I could see in my friends’ faces a deeper level of understanding and acceptance.  I caught a glimpse of sadness as they realized the gravity…but I also know there are so many other ways that we can celebrate and have fun.  And, I know they understand that as well.  For starters, he and his wife know that I’m here – alive – able to celebrate period!  Had December 21st transpired differently, that wouldn’t have been the case.

So, WC Fields – I also bid you farewell. I’ll talk with B. and ask her to replace you with another saying more in line with my recovery.  Deeper than the quote on a board was the gift and the memory it brings of friends and family.  That, I don’t want to lose.  So, I’ll simply replace it with something that can carry the same message and be in line with my recovery….further proof that recovery doesn’t mean the end of enjoying life.  In fact, it’s the beginning of really enjoying the emotions & experiences that life brings — on life’s terms.  For that, I’m grateful.