Category: Recovery

Day 94 – E-Diaries, Exposure & Ego


I gained some pretty deep insight today. My recent blog on the stigma of addiction and some current events in my own life got me thinking and meditating.  Usually things “percolate” for a couple days and I start to understand what I’m to learn.  Here goes…

When I started this blog, I wanted it to be totally anonymous — no name, no connections, no sending this to friends, no links. My initial reasoning was to keep this focused on recovery & telling stories, not me and my ego.  First pebble…e-diaries (blogging).

As things evolved, I shared this with a couple close friends in recovery…and then briefly put a link on my Facebook.  So much for anonymity.  Why?  Part of this journey is about re-discovering myself. Yes, it’s a journal to look back on and a way to share stories. But in writing, like in verbalizing thoughts, ideas become real. I get to “try them on for size” — shape them, reflect and connect. I find it to be a helpful part of my spiritual journey. As ideas take shape, I believe my Higher Power uses the words on paper or shared in conversation to breath life into my recovery and give me the guidance I seek. In one sense, it’s like action — writing, speaking, acting validates (or invalidates) thoughts & ideas and creates reality.

As part of that discovery process, I’m beginning to accept myself as a creative person who is able to sometimes connect ideas in such a way that they resonate with others. My elementary school teacher and I recently reconnected on Facebook and he shared memories of my time in 5th and 6th grade:

I can clearly see how you let your imagination flow in some of your creative writing. In fact, when I moved to the Education Centre as a consultant, I used a sample of your writing to model the writing process, especially the freewriting stage when you let your imagination and words flow freely to paper. 

With that discovery and acceptance, I felt more comfortable sharing my blog with others.  Second pebble…exposure. 

This past week, I made some real headway in certain aspects of my addiction and recovery. The topic I wanted to write about was cross-addiction. For the first time in 90 days, I’ve broken through a wall of shame, compulsion and loneliness that was very freeing. But, as I got ready to write about this – I started to wonder about what people would think. It turns out (surprise!), the anonymity in the beginning was also providing me a “shield” — or more like the lack of a shield — the absence of a mask!  Like much of my life and relationships, I’ve always felt more comfortable being direct / honest with strangers; always been better at giving constructive feedback or sharing anger with people I don’t know. But for those I know and/or love, I worry about how that might impact our relationship or what they might think of me.  So, I sometimes hold back…I find the right mask to wear…I lose some of my genuineness. In doing so, I lose who I am…I lose my voice.  That’s a slipper slope for me as that’s where I was when I “hit bottom.” Those normal ways of interacting started to come back into play.  I started to edit my thoughts and was afraid to even get into much detail about my breakthrough.  Third pebble…my ego. 




NOW I understand this book I’m reading on a more personal level. It makes sense. Ego gets in the way of our connection, our relationships with our Higher Power and with other people. I don’t believe I’m being cocky or arrogant — the “egotistical” stereotype in my head. But, the minute my “self” gets in the way of connecting with others, I’m just as ego-centric as that guy!  Self-centered.  Doesn’t mean I’m “all about me” and not mindful of others, caring or sensitive.  It just means I’m at the center…my ego is driving my actions – in this case, I’m holding back, afraid of…

Case in point – what started as a genuine desire out of gratitude and humility to share my writing — as well as a self-interest in the discovery process as described above — is now stifled, cut off, masked by my ego…my concern for what others think. I’m losing the benefit I was seeking from the blogs, and am falling back into old patterns of wearing masks and being less than “real” with people I love and who love me. Stinking thinking…old patterns…not the change I’m seeking in my recovery.  Not the self I want to discover…shape…grow.  And isn’t that the whole point of this?

Now the waves start…the pebbles form a pattern, a rhythm. I get it.

God help me ride the wave and grow in ability to stay in conscious contact with You and others by moving me out of the way. Help me to tear away the masks and in doing so also stay humble…simply remaining open to the possibility, open to the wave, open to being a channel of your peace and love…then stepping away from the center and leaving the outcome to you.

Day 93 – ETOH, self-help groups and other secrets…


I was driving through town today and noticed a church sign that listed an Al-Anon meeting during the week. I remember thinking to myself, “I wonder if they have NA or AA meetings. Is there a reason why they choose not to list those?” I understand the power of anonymity — the underpinning of self-help groups.  So by all means, I’m not challenging the need.  But, I’ve been recently pondering how far we’ve come in understanding and accepting alcoholism in society, particularly since the founding of AA. However in many ways, it’s still the white elephant in the room. I recently heard of a funeral where the family wanted no mention of the deceased’s alcoholism, from which he ultimately died even though he was in recovery and sober. Again, I fully respect the family’s choice and am in no means discounting their wishes. However had it been cancer or diabetes or a host of other medical conditions, it would likely not have been an issue to mention. In fact, one’s battle with cancer is often seen as a source of inspiration given the great courage and selflessness often seen in cancer patients. Why are we not able to equally celebrate the personal courage and spiritual healing seen in the lives of alcoholics and addicts, whether in life or death? There is still much shame associated with the disease of addiction.  Though we’ve come a long way, there is still much ignorance (lack of knowledge) about it.
As a gay man, I know that ignorance breeds fear and fear can lead to death. Likewise, ignorance of addiction can literally lead to death — poor choices and lack of support for the suffering addict. The need for education about how to better understand, detect and support addicts seeking recovery is reflected in my story — a “closet meth user.” With one exception, all of my close friend, family and work colleagues were SHOCKED when I “came out of the meth closet.”  I didn’t fit their stereotype of a meth user. And clearly, my employer lacks knowledge of this disease given their choice of action, in my humble opinion. I’m still blessed with the path I’m on and have no regrets – I’m where I need to be. But that doesn’t take away my disappointment and frustration with their lack of institutional knowledge on the subject. As a leader in the pharmaceutical industry for cancer, diabetes, mental illness, etc., they seek better health outcomes for their patients. Yet they lack a basic understanding of how to provide critical education & awareness to enable better health outcomes for their employees who may struggle with alcoholism or drug addiction.
We’ve come so far, yet have so far to go…
I learned of another example today while surfing the web for information and sites around addiction. I learned of a term ETOH at http://www.addict-help.com/etoh.asp. 

“ETOH has other applications as well. For example, some hospitals, med technicians and medical facilities. It would seem to have been developed as a way of disguising the word alcohol to keep the fact that a person had been drinking from being disclosed.” 

Given the possible side effects of alcohol withdrawal, this knowledge can prove critical to a patient’s treatment. So, it’s relevant information for medical staff to have. This strikes me as another situation where the societal stigma still associated with alcoholism and addiction might be playing out. It’s the white elephant – we aren’t supposed to bring it up, or talk about it. And yet, undiagnosed – or unaware – it can kill.  Again, I understand the need for the hospital to take such precautions and respect a patient’s privacy. But again – if they had diabetes or hemophilia – an individual or family wouldn’t hesitate to share that in hospital. But, being severely intoxicated and possibly suffering from the disease of alcoholism can’t be discussed. 

Has anyone seen a white elephant in the room?  
If so, please notify the nurses’ station immediately.

I know this doesn’t directly relate to my recovery — but it seems like the societal stigma and associated shame individuals have about addiction can have an impact if it leads to lack of awareness or intervention. If it prolongs someone from asking for help or sparks actions which create more risk to one’s recovery, then it becomes very relevant. If better patient outcomes really is the goal of the US healthcare system, then we must face the social aspects of the disease as well as the treatment needs of the afflicted.
But, easy does it…for now, my focus must be on recovery not social revolution 😉

Day 91 – Goodbye Letter to Crystal Meth


I was going through my notebook from treatment and came across a good-bye letter I wrote to my drug of choice, crystal meth. It was an exercise during inpatient they had us do as we left inpatient to whatever next phase of treatment we were heading. It was a way to bring closure to the ending relationship with our “best friend.” We read these out loud to our group.  Since I came across it, I thought I’d share it here.

Dear Crystal

I never felt like I fit in – I was always sitting on the outside of life looking in.  I’ve moved every 3 years for the past 18 years and until recently (2009) I’ve never lived anywhere longer than 4 years since I was 10 years old. So, I hardly had close friends, let alone a best friend.

Then, I was introduced to you nine years ago.  You’ve taken many shapes and sizes through the years depending on what was available — ecstasy, GHB, pot, “special K,” cocaine and finally crystal meth. Through all the moves, ups and downs and relationships, you stuck with me. Of all my friends, you’re the one who always reached out to me – called me – called me back – never let me go too long before you checked in on me. I needed and craved the attention.  Thank you.

You helped me to fit in. I got to hang with fun people and dance and party to make up for my lost days at college. I had sex with guys would have never given me the time of day were it not for the crystal or coke I brought to the table. You even helped me stay in a loving relationship for seven years. In the end, faced with a choice between my best friend of nine years and the man who shared my life for seven years through all sorts of crap, I chose my DOC – crystal meth. Although it ultimately was the best choice for us both, it’s been a painful loss. But as painful as our breakup was, I saw it as an opportunity to get more deeply involved with you, crystal meth. A couple times a week turned into several times a day. I turned down family vacations to be with you. I have yet to meet my new niece born in July 2009 because I didn’t want to leave you. I missed my grandmother’s 96th and 97th birthdays because I wasn’t sure I could find you out East. With all of the phone calls I didn’t take or voicemails I erased without listening, I could have lost my grandmother…and missed her funeral…because of you. In my final moments of despair, I would have even taken the life of my dogs as well as my own because of you.

That is my friend.
That is my best friend.

That’s bullshit.

What do they say — with friends like you, who needs enemies.

Crystal Meth, I’m ending this friendship.  Instead, I choose my two nieces and two nephews.

Crystal Meth, to you I say good-bye and reacquaint myself with my family, including my 97 year old grandmother who is still alive and well.

Crystal Meth, I’m tired of wasting time with you, and instead will return to my hobbies of model trains, gardening, cooking and photography.

Crystal Meth, I’m no longer confining myself to Greenfield, isolated and alone with you, a butane torch and a pipe. Instead I’m going to once again pursue my love of travel and visit other parts of the US and the world.

Crystal Meth, I’m replacing you with my new thirteen best friends…the twelve steps of my program and my Higher Power. I’m reconnecting with my other friends who have stood by me and always been there even when I abandoned them.

Goodbye crystal meth.
Goodbye addiction.
Hello Recovery.

Signed,


CT
January 4, 2010

As an engineer, along with my letter, I came up with my personal formula for Recovery (of course).  I shared it with the group that last day of inpatient:

CT / [f(a) -1] x fb + [t + 15] x r = CT’     where a={c,cm,x,k,420,g}

CT (me) was divided by the function of addiction f(a)^ less One, his Higher Power…multiply that by Fairbanks and add/allow for [time to heal + 15 friends*] multiplied by Recovery and the outcome is equal to a renewed CT in his prime ‘

^where a is a function {cocaine, crystal meth, ecstasy, special K, pot and GHB}

*15 new friends as my Higher Power is the Christian Trinity –> Father, Son and Holy Spirit…so the twelve steps of my program plus 3 😉