Category: Recovery

FUNK: Talking, Discovering, Resolving. What Am I Waiting For?


I’m in a funk. And, it’s bugging me because I don’t like being in a funk. And I don’t know why.

Part of me says, “just allow myself to feel and be in the funk. I’m powerless over my feelings. I can’t control them.” I’ve been told to just apply the 12 steps to my feelings, and find acceptance. Find serenity in the things I can not change.

But, then I struggle with another tool my therapist has helped me with — using feelings to get in touch with what’s going on — using my feelings to identify what events led to my feelings in order to resolve the initial event with healthy actions.

EVENT —>   THOUGHTS (interpretations) —> EMOTIONS —> ACTIONS

For example, when I’m sad, it’s because there is a loss, or the ending of something. The unhealthy reaction I’m used to is to numb the feeling, or to replace the loss with something so I don’t have to feel the sadness. The healthier action is to grieve, to let go. Once I’ve lived through that sadness and grief, then I can replace. “Grieve and replace” instead of just “replace.”

EVENT —>   THOUGHTS (interpretations) —> EMOTIONS —> ACTIONS

Loss or ending in a relationship—————————–> SAD ———>  Grieve and Replace

But that tool is not helping me so far because I haven’t figured out what’s going on.

Or maybe I know why, and I just don’t want to dig there. Because I still don’t trust my emotions.

 

Then there’s this other angle on being in a funk: the only thing we can control is how we react to situations. Well, I can’t change my feelings. I feel funky and sad — and I don’t know why, and I don’t know what to do with it. And I’m not able to just turn it off and say, “good morning – I choose to be happy today.”

And that bugs me.

And confuses me.

I’m struggling.

I’m not using.  I’m not running from it.  Though, I guess I am ignoring it — not digging into the feelings and letting them clue me into what is going on. I am checking out – sleeping – isolating.

And what I realize is I don’t process well. I don’t talk to anyone regularly about what’s going on in my day – never did, and probably haven’t for so long because I’ve been alone or on my own. I have also managed to keep people away – avoiding intimate friendships or relationships. But, I know when I do talk about events, situations in my day, I am able to see (or be helped to see) what’s going on, and how I’m feeling. If I don’t get it off my chest or diffuse it or learn to resolve the initial event with healthy action, then it festers, grows out of proportion and becomes a mountain.

So here I am again.

Realizing I’m alone – by choice – and that wall gets me to the same place every time I bang my head against it.

Nothing changes if nothing changes.

So is it that the tool isn’t helping me…or I’m choosing not to use the tool?

Choosing not to trust my emotions – or to fear them – even though I have data (experience) that they do lead me to an authentic understanding of myself. In fact, they help me discover my true self.

So what am I waiting for?

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Memorable Quotes from Recovery


First is gets better, then it gets worse, then it gets different, then it it gets good.

If we don’t talk about things, then they are not real.

When you are young and pretty, hang out with the drag queens and drink…life is pretty fabulous!

One of the most dangerous places I can be is proving someone else is wrong.

I can choose to be right, or I can choose to be happy.

I can choose to be right, or I can choose to connect.

We addicts like to trade what we want most for what we want now.

Setting boundaries is about meeting my needs – not controlling other people’s actions.

I’m not worse than, I’m not better than — I’m just mainstream.

We’re egomaniacs with an inferiority complex.

This is a simple program for complex people.

 

Feeling the pain I caused others


I’m an intellectual, analytical sort of guy by nature. So regardless of my addiction – or perhaps in addition to my addiction – I don’t connect well with my feelings. I can analyze a situation, describe the feelings I am, was or should be feeling…but I haven’t always connected with the emotions involved. I think it’s part of my coping mechanism for life. Coping with isn’t the same as living, just like tolerating someone isn’t the same as loving them.

I want to experience life – live life – love others…not just cope and tolerate.

I’m learning how to these days in recovery with a lot of tools and help.

This week, I realized how strong that coping mechanism has been.  About a month ago, a friend told me stuff I never knew that was going on around me and about me while I was in my last years of active addiction. In my selfish, self-centered world, I didn’t think anyone knew about my using — nor cared. Secretly, there were times I remember hoping someone would care, would say something — but I also know that most attempts to “help me” would have just driven me further away, strengthening my denial and the grip drugs had on me.

This friend told me about how people very close to me were aware of my using, sometimes in surprisingly graphic and real detail. But, these same folks knew that in most cases, the best thing to do is to let go, and let someone’s Higher Power guide events. Knowing and yet not being able to help was painful for them.  The helplessness, the despair, the concern, the fear.  And, I was oblivious to it all.

But, my analytical mind had really only processed this on one very intellectual level until this week. I filed the “news” away in my memory – didn’t talk about it with anyone really – but it would surface from time to time. Yesterday, I was talking with my sponsor and told him about this realization of the world around me – of the pain and worry I caused for some of the closest people in my life. Even then, I honestly felt little – it was a story, seemingly someone else’s.

Last night, I had some dreams that brought this awareness to light. I awoke and lay in bed thinking about what I shared the day before.  I saw the people involved in my mind, and started to cry – sobbing heavily as a greater sense of guilt, regret and sadness came over me. It finally all hit me — and I simply allowed myself to feel the pain and sadness.

I know the outcome is amazing – we’ve survived this and they continue to be in my life. I will make amends when the time is right.  But, the self-awareness from this is a great gift of recovery. The fact that these two folks courageously faced this situation with appropriate “detached love” and continue to be in my life is an even greater gift.

But perhaps the greatest gift was the reconnection between my intellect and my emotion. I understand better how important it is to live more authentically with the union of heart and mind, living through and experiencing the feelings of joy, sadness, fear that come with the events in life.  For now, for me, this takes conscious awareness and an effort to remain open to possibilities, to new world views, and to a maturing capacity to feel. The “lag” between events and feeling them is growing shorter, but it’s still there. My ability to detach is so strongly rooted in my way of living that it will take time to grow.

But, baby steps.

Today, I can see it for how it should really be.

Today, I feel the pain I cause others.  And for now, that is a wonderful gift.

To be continued….