Depression doesn’t always arrive like a storm. Sometimes it slips in quietly, dulling everything it touches. The things that used to bring me joy – laughter with friends, coffee, a good conversation – drift out of reach. Colors wash away. The world shrinks into a small, cold corner where it’s hard to breathe.
It feels like a lifetime’s weight pressing me down into that darkness. I wake up heavy with years I didn’t ask to carry; every small hope becomes harder to lift. I feel alone and isolated, watching my life through glass. Friendships that once gathered now feel permanently distant. Family conversations thin into echoes. Simple pleasures scramble into things I can’t recognize. And there’s a voice that settles in: you are unworthy, insignificant, worthless. That voice is loud and mean and, in the silence, it feels like the only truth.
That loss doesn’t just hurt me. It hurts the people who love me, too. They watch helplessly from the outside, wanting to help but not knowing how. Their eyes ask questions they can’t answer, and I feel the weight of their worry alongside my own. Guilt spreads on both sides: I feel it for not being able to “just try harder,” and they feel it for not being able to make it stop.
Too often, depression is misunderstood as a choice, as if I could simply wish it away and rejoin the world. If only it were that easy. The truth is, depression is not weakness, laziness, or a moral failing. It’s an illness that isolates, confuses, and holds tight.
But here’s what matters: feeling powerless does not make me powerless. Speaking it, naming it, asking for patience – that is its own kind of strength. Depression hurts. It steals parts of me and makes me feel small. But I am still here. I am still reaching. I am still worth the light I hope will find me again.
Shadow Play – Where bodies and cities meet in light and dark.
This exhibition brings together two queer artists who use shadow as both material and metaphor. Leslie Keith Shaw traces fleeting figures cast on sidewalks and streets, while Todd Fuqua creates digitally projected performances on the body itself. Together, their work transforms shadow into a space of queer joy, resistance, and play – blurring the line between public and intimate, concrete and flesh.
Finding Beauty in Unexpected Places
Art has always been a way to make sense of the world, to capture what might otherwise go unnoticed, and to transform struggle into something meaningful. For both artists featured in Shadow Play, creating images is not just about aesthetics. It is about survival, resilience, and finding joy where others might not think to look.
Leslie Keith Shaw has been making art in Indianapolis for more than two decades. His practice blends photography, scanography, and digital manipulation to transform everyday textures into vibrant, layered compositions. Sidewalk cracks, overlooked objects, and even items placed on a flatbed scanner become portals to hidden beauty. Living with HIV since 1987—a time when long-term survival was rarely imagined—Leslie approaches art as both sanctuary and celebration. Every piece is proof that life continues to hold mystery, meaning, and joy.
Todd Fuqua is a queer, non-binary photographer and visual storyteller based in Indianapolis who is also living with HIV. Their practice lives at the intersection of art and advocacy – what they call artivism. Through projects like #BLOOM, #CelebrateUU, and #ShadoWORK, Todd uses photography to explore identity, resilience, and liberation. Their imagery combines shadows, textures, and layered storytelling, with a strong emphasis on collaboration. Todd’s work challenges stigma, sparks dialogue about U=U and HIV criminalization, and celebrates the fullness of queer and marginalized lives.
What ties their practices together is a shared belief: that beauty and truth are always present, even if hidden at first glance. It could be a patch of sidewalk transformed into radiant abstraction. It could be a portrait layered with resilience and shadow. Both artists invite viewers to see differently. They encourage us to notice, to question, and to feel.
Together, their work affirms that art isn’t only about what is seen. It’s about what is discovered.
Call to Action
Join us for Shadow Play, a one-night pop-up exhibition on First Friday, October 4th, at 862 Virginia Avenue, Indianapolis. Step into an evening of light, shadow, and layered storytelling—an exploration of resilience, identity, and beauty in unexpected places. Don’t just see the art—experience the transformation.
Shadow Play: Where Bodies and Cities Meet in Light and Dark One-Night Pop-Up Exhibition | First Friday, October 3, 2025 | Indianapolis
Indianapolis, IN — This October, two Indianapolis-based queer artists will bring light, shadow, and layered storytelling to life in a one-night-only pop-up exhibition. Shadow Play opens Friday, October 3, 2025, at 862 Virginia Avenue (Mass Ave Knit Shop) in Fountain Square, as part of Indy’s First Friday gallery walk.
Shadow Play brings together the work of Leslie Keith Shaw and Todd Fuqua, two artists who use shadow as both material and metaphor. Shaw traces fleeting figures cast on sidewalks and streets, while Fuqua creates digitally projected performances on the body itself. Together, their practices transform shadow into a space of queer joy, resistance, and play – blurring the line between public and intimate, concrete and flesh.
For Shaw, who has been creating art in Indianapolis for more than two decades, overlooked textures – sidewalk cracks, discarded objects, even items placed on a scanner – become radiant abstractions. Diagnosed with HIV in 1987, Shaw’s practice is both sanctuary and celebration, proof that life continues to hold meaning, mystery, and joy.
Fuqua, a queer non-binary photographer and storyteller also living with HIV, works at the intersection of art and advocacy – what they call artivism. Through community-driven projects such as #BLOOM, #CelebrateUU, and #ShadoWORK, Fuqua layers photography, shadow, and texture to spark dialogue around stigma, resilience, and liberation.
What unites their work is a shared belief: that beauty & truth are always present, even if hidden at first glance. Whether drawn from the cracks of a city sidewalk or from the resilience etched on the human body, Shadow Play invites audiences to see differently—to notice, to question, to feel.
Event Details:
Shadow Play First Friday, October 3, 2025 6:00 – 9:00 p.m. Mass Ave Knit Shop: 862 Virginia Avenue, Indianapolis, IN 46203
Admission is free and open to the public.
The artists anticipate returning for November and December First Fridays, making Shadow Play an evolving installation across the fall season.
In abstinence-based recovery, it gets thrown around like a scarlet letter. Relapse means you failed. Relapse means you’re “back out there.” Relapse means you’ve lost your chip, your clean time, your credibility. It’s all-or-nothing, black-and-white, success-or-failure.
But here’s the thing: life isn’t black and white. And neither is recovery.
That’s where harm reduction has been such a gift to me. Instead of demanding perfection, it allows me to ask a more useful question: How can I reduce harm, no matter what choices I make?
When “Relapse” Becomes a Roadblock
The problem with calling it a relapse is the shame that follows. That shame can be louder than the actual use itself. I could spend a weekend beating myself up, convincing myself that I’ve ruined everything, that I should just give up. And ironically, that shame spiral is more likely to push me into more use – not less.
When I think about my own journey, relapse just doesn’t fit. Sometimes, yes, I make a choice that doesn’t line up with my intentions or my values. Sometimes I pick up something I’ve been avoiding. But that doesn’t mean I’ve suddenly undone all the progress I’ve made or that I’m back at zero. It means I made a choice – sometimes a healthier choice, sometimes a riskier one.
Harm reduction flips that on its head. It says: You’re still here. You’re still worthy. Let’s talk about what happened without judgment.
A Different Kind of Honesty
I want to be able to say:
“I chose to use because I was hurting.”
“I made a decision that didn’t line up with my values, and I want to unpack why.”
“I was stressed and slipped into an old pattern, but I’m not starting over at zero.”
That kind of honesty matters. Not because it excuses risky choices, but because it makes space to talk about them without fear. The real danger isn’t the choice itself. It’s the silence that stigma creates.
Words Like Overdose Don’t Always Fit Either
Even the language around risk needs reframing. “Overdose” implies I took too much. But often, the truth is scarier: I didn’t take what I thought I was taking at all. I may have signed up to use meth, but I didn’t sign up to smoke fentanyl. That’s not “overdoing it” – that’s contamination in a poisoned drug supply.
When we keep using the old language, we keep reinforcing old narratives: that the problem is the person, not the system. But if we reframe it, we see the truth. The real problem is unsafe supplies, criminalization, and a lack of support.
Moving Forward Without Shame
So I’ve stopped saying relapse. I’ve started saying: I chose to use.
That doesn’t make the choice “good” or “bad.” It just makes it mine. It keeps me honest without putting me in the box of failure. And it leaves room for growth, for reflection, for harm reduction.
I’m not back at square one. I’m still on the path. And maybe that’s the point: recovery, or whatever we want to call this messy, human process, isn’t about perfection. It’s about progress. It’s about staying alive. It’s about learning to meet ourselves where we are—without shame, without silence, and without that old, heavy word: relapse.
Keep tellin’ the story. Professor Peacock
Note: These are my thoughts and my story. I used AI to make helpful edits to my ramblings and online journaling, including some organization to be more blog-friendly.AI created the featured image used in my blog.
The Magical Storybook of Professor Peacock 