Category: General

Were you listening? No really – LISTENING…


A friend called me recently with an update on her recent back surgery. After many years of deep, systemic pain she has found relief through major back surgery. Living with such pain, and going through such a delicate (albeit somewhat routine?) surgery, she has been though a lot in recent weeks. She was sharing with me how she was feeling. She talked about a revelation she had about some chiropractic care over the years which now appears to have been poorly guided. This filled her with some valid feelings of anger, sadness, frustration and grief. She was particularly angry with her chiropractor and voiced some of that with me. I had been listening, but chose to respond focusing more on “getting her back” to grateful — celebrating the wonderful relief, not focusing on the years of pain from which she might have found earlier relief had it been more properly diagnosed by her chiropractor. I’ve learned to stay in the moment and not dwell on things in the past, over which we have no control nor are we able to change.

Red flag.

I could hear the disappointment in her voice.

She is a very emotionally mature, balanced person with a LOT of experience at living in the moment — probably more so than I do. She wasn’t looking for problem solving – she was looking for empathy. She wasn’t going to dwell on her misery, or allow a resentment to build. But, she was needing some validation before she could move on. Knowing and trusting me as a friend, she was making herself vulnerable by sharing her pain – knowing that only in living through it could she find true healing.

I caught myself – almost instinctively hearing her inner voice say “No, T – you weren’t listening.  Really – you weren’t LISTENING.”

I played back what I had heard her express — frustration, disappointment, and some regret. I let her know that she may be right – her doctor may have very well cost her years of relief. I empathized with her anger.

And almost immediately I could hear relief in her voice. Then tension in her voice that peaked when I talked past her need dissipated. She relaxed. I could hear her nodding, grateful to find needed empathy.

Then, as I should have known she would, she picked herself up and moved on. She focused back on the gratitude, the relief, the freedom from pain. She was able to let go a little more of her past, and move forward in her healing.

I’m grateful for friends like D. who walk with me, share their whole selves with me and encourage my growth even amidst their own pain. She is an amazing woman and a trusted friend.

Yes D., I heard you…and finally listened! Thanks for being patient with me.

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Is the glass half full, or half empty?


This is a running joke between me and a very dear friend of mine. I, the eternal optimist, see the glass half full; he the realist (not pessimist! as he points out) sees the glass half empty. We love to tease each other about our different perspectives on life, people, circumstances.

This came to mind recently as I’ve been wrestling with my expectations of other people and situations. As you can imagine, the wrestling comes from being disappointed, sad and frustrated when they aren’t met. I’ve been told that as an addict, it’s important not to have expectations – because they can lead to disappointments and resentments, which are recipes for relapse.

But as I’ve chewed on this and brought it up as a topic in meetings and with my therapist, I have questioned: “Is this really how I want to go through life?  Not having expectations?”  Sounds awfully dull.  Sounds a lot like seeing the glass as half empty!  I’m not ready to make that switch!

Honest – yes.  Open minded – eh…  Willing – not so much.

I’ve been here before.  It’s time to revisit my world view…again.

Without being cliché, what I’m realizing is it’s about accepting things they way they are, not the way I want them to be.  Accepting that people in my life — even friends with 10 and 20 years of recovery — as broken human beings in need of compassion and grace, not judgement and rejection. It’s about living in the moment, and trusting my Higher Power to take care of me. My expectations are about control – and I have to accept that I am powerless over people, places and things. It doesn’t mean I accept injustice, bigotry, discrimination, etc. But, most of the situations in my life recently that frustrate and disappoint me don’t fall into that category.

So is the glass half full, or half empty?

That’s not the right question.  In fact, there is no question.

It’s a glass of sweet nectar – the sweet nectar of life!  Drink deeply and enjoy the refreshing gift.

Breathe in authenticity, breathe out compassion


I came across a breathing exercise in a daily meditation I’ve been going through this year. As I breathe in deeply, it had me focus on living authentically – being my true self. In doing so, that would help me to show compassion — so as I breathe out deeply, the word to contemplate was compassion.  Breathe in authenticity, breathe out compassion.

As they say, how is that working for you?

I’ve done this for about a month or so. These past two weeks, I’ve found myself more judgmental of others – particularly those friends around me in recovery! I’ve been more competitive, more frustrated and at times, with a serious case of the f&*k its!

So where is the compassion?

This morning, I realized through some meditation and the morning’s devotional that I’ve focused on having compassion for others. Indeed, I think that was the original framing from the exercise. However, what I’m realizing is the exercise first applies to myself. Only in showing myself compassion — indeed, only in first seeing the compassion that I’ve been shown by my Higher Power — will I find the necessary humility and perspective to meet others with that same compassion.

I’ve heard that before — but it never really connected in the exercise. While the end goal may still be to find a way to live authentically and show compassion for others as I live out my faith in the world, it starts with finding compassion for myself. It took feeling the judgments and frustrations to dig a little deeper…and with that came a richer understanding and experience.

So I’m going to continue with the exercise for a while longer – but shift the focus on finding and showing compassion for myself.

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