Category: Asset Based Community Development

You made a difference…


Ironically, I’ve heard this quote twice this week – casting very different circumstances on someone’s life (although one was just a movie character).

Clearly, as a species or individuals, I think it’s common to want to look back on our lives and feel like we made a difference.  On a level, I think that’s noble.  But let’s look at ways to accomplish that goal, and what – in the end – really matters (IMHO).

I saw the new Jack Ryan movie this week. [SPOILER ALERT:  skip this paragraph if you want to see the movie…]  The main villain shares with someone during the movie that he feels like his life will have made a difference.  We find out later that  orchestrated a worldwide criminal plot, on behalf of his country and in memory of his son’s life, lost in war as a hero for his country.  Noble cause – to want to have made a difference.  Even noble in wanting to do so on behalf of one’s dead son, or one’s country.   I think we can all agree that it ends there, in terms of nobility.

But his story echoes this common theme:  finding self worth and value in life by making a difference.

The second time I heard this quote came today.  A friend died unexpectedly this week – as of yet, we don’t know the circumstances behind his death.  But, an early co-griever shared these words about our common friend:

You’re someone who cared
You were gentle, sweet, and kind
You made a difference

What an awesome way to be remembered : as caring, gentle, sweet, and kind.  I’d add that he was also authentic and passionate in life.  And he did make a difference.

Now, here’s where you might expect me to highlight a series of accomplishments on the same “scale” or “grandeur” to mirror the movie character’s goals in life. Well, I’m glad to say that’s where I think those three simple sentences are enough…more than enough. While there’s no Nobel Peace Prize, or national publicity on his accomplishments…does that really matter — for any of us?

Mike made a difference in the lives of those around him. He made relationships, telling stories, and celebrating others a priority.  He listened.  He was vulnerable.  He invited trust and showed compassion.  He understood that we are all connected — all living things — and took great pride and joy in that fact.

For me, there’s no better way to be remembered.

At times, with my life experience, I’ve honestly  believed that nobody would come to my funeral — that I would die alone, not having made a difference.  I also found my identity and self-worth primarily in my work — what I did — not who I was, or how I lived out my life.  I’m very grateful that I’m now able to see life so differently — through the powerful witness of others and through my own life experience.

I’m grateful for the lives of friends like Scott, Mike, and Phil who remind me that in the end, what is remembered is how we live, not what we do or what we accomplish.

I’ll  close here with some sacred and inspiring thoughts from a singer and poet I had the fortune of meeting last year at a conference on Asset Based Community Development.  Her words are both comforting and joyful.  Thank you Barbara for your gift…

I Wish That I Could Show You

Lyrics: Based on a quote by Hafiz 

I wish that I could show you
Whenever you are lonely or walking in the dark
The astonishing Light of your Being

When I Die

August 2011
©  Barbara McAfee

When I die I know there’ll be singing
By my friends all gathered around
As their sweet voices fade behind me
I will join with the One Great Sound
And I’ll stand on a sunset hillside
Just like I did in that dream
Join the multitudes there who are singing
The song inside everything

When I die I hope I’m not frightened
But it’s not for me to know
What awaits me there at the threshold
What’s required in letting go
Every time I leave home
Or someone I love
Or a place sweet and holy
Each night as I slip into slumber
I am learning how to die

When I die I’ll fall into a hammock
Woven of each song I’ve ever sung
I have sent them all forward to catch me
On the day that my life is done.
I will slip into that great mystery
As I did in the cool lake at dawn
I will swim those eternal waters
Let the current of love take me home

When I die I know there’ll be singing
By my friends all gathered around
As their sweet voices fade behind me
I will join with the One Great Sound

Link to her latest CD, with these two songs…

Shifting themes: grief to self-worth


A couple of years ago, I had a therapist who helped me understand some truths about myself on a deeper level.  Being a more right brained thinker, I’ve known for awhile the need to grow in my ability to feel feelings…not just analyze situations.  He talked about integrating the heart and the mind, so that both feelings and thoughts were equally present.  He also gave me some tools for identifying and responding/reacting to feelings.  And while I’m confident that this will be a continual struggle, I believe I’m making progress.  I’m aware, I have some tools, and I’m spending some time feeling, being fully present, being aware…

In that “life theme,” he also helped me see my need to grieve.  He said I’d be entering a period of grieving…  and jokingly, I still wonder “when will it ever end?”  Since then, in addition to ending a 7 year relationship, being fired from a 19 year career, and losing a style of living that went with that career, I’ve faced the loss of my mom and grandmother as well as several close friends.  Call it the journey of entering my 40’s.  I’ve also done some deeper work on realizing and grieving losses from my childhood that have hung over my head and heart, keeping me stuck in patterns that weren’t healthy or aligned where I wanted to be.  And again, while I believe grief is a feeling or process that is with me for the long haul, and I will probably uncover things I still need to grieve, or situations I need to grieve on a deeper level, I’m making progress.  I’m aware, I have some tools to understand and feel grief and loss, and I’m spending some time accepting those losses and moving on…

So while I hesitate to say I’m done with learning how to feel or how to grieve, I’m in a 3 month sabbatical period, and I believe I was enlightened today and this week with the “theme” of this sabbatical — which like other topics, will probably extend beyond the remaining two months.  But two close friends and a devotional reading highlighted the same theme for me – so in my world, three data points make a trend, and I should listen!  The concept:  self worth.

At the heart of me sexual addiction (which played out in a nasty way last month…), and my competitive nature which drives me to overachieve and my depression is this feeling of low self-worth.  It plagues me, and has for much of life – despite many “successes” and external praise.  I hear what others say about me, and discount it…unable to love myself (at times) for just who I am…a beloved child of God.  The devotional today talks about our “inner door” — how nobody can go through the inner door with us, and until we sufficiently “walk through” the issue or issues that face us in life, we will continually return to them — face them head on — bang our head — and wonder why we are going crazy.  For me, I believe it’s self-worth.  

When my counselor told me about grief, my immediate question was “Ok, so how do I grieve?”  He laughed, and said that was the wrong question.  In fact, there wasn’t a question to be asked.  I just needed to let go, and allow my body and mind and Higher Power show my the path I needed to follow.   I believe much of what I faced in the following years were part of that path of enlightenment…

So, as I face this question of “how do I learn to love myself?” – I want to get answers from the world out there (your comments), or read books or somehow find the fix.  But, I’m reminded that this is my inner door — my path of enlightenment.  And while others can help me along the way and shine light on the path, the only answer that is true and authentic is the one that I find for Todd.  So, for now, I will “anoint” this remaining two months of time to explore the journey of self-worth, of loving and accepting self…

Asset Based View of the 12 Steps


A friend of mine took to pen and recreated the 12 steps, from an asset based perspective.  For 2014, this is how I will focus on my recovery…and even then, I’m spending three months not focusing on recovery, or addiction…but on my own gifts, talents, passions, creative juices…  It’s a study in a change of focus.   For when we look at problems, we find problems.  When we look at needs, we find needs.  But when we look at abundance, we see plenty.

 

• Step 1 – We admitted we were powerless over our addiction – our addiction was muting our own uniqe gifts and talents

• Step 2 – Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves needed us to fully use our gifts and talents in this world

• Step 3 – Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God

• Step 4 – Made a searching and fearless inventory of ourselves and all we have to offer

• Step 5 – Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being all of the gifts, talents, and dreams that we have forgetten

• Step 6 – Were entirely ready to have God begin to share all of our gifts and talents with others

• Step 7 – Humbly asked God to constantly encourage us in our dreams

• Step 8 – Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all

• Step 9 – Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others

• Step 10 – Continued to take personal inventory of our gifts and talents and when we were holding back promptly admitted it

• Step 11 – Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood God, praying only for knowledge of God’s will for us and the power to carry that out

• Step 12 – Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other addicts, and to practice these principles in all our affairs