Content note: This piece includes discussion or imagery tied to sex, substance use, and erotic imagery. It may be activating for readers with addiction histories around sex, substances, or stigma. Please take care while reading.
I picked up some art today from Magpie’s First Friday exhibition. February’s theme was The Dark Side of Love. I had submitted a piece titled “Nothing Bad Happened.”
For March, the theme is HOOKED: An Exploration of Addiction.
As someone in recovery from chemsex addiction, I hesitated to submit something. The shadow does not disappear just because behavior changes. It shows up in memory, in intimacy, in fantasy.
Addiction has been described as a thinking disease. My instinct is to outrun the thoughts or distract myself. My therapist tells me to sit with them instead.
Relapse Fantasy came from doing exactly that.
Relapse does not start with using. It starts in imagination. In a flicker of memory. In a sensory echo. Rather than pushing those thoughts away, I photographed them.
These images are not about returning to old behavior. They are about recognizing the moment before it begins. They are about interrupting the cycle in real time.
My work may not sell. That isn’t the measure. For me, creating it is part of staying accountable. I am in recovery, and this work is part of how I maintain it.
“I am being called to take care of myself in a new way.” ~ AB
Relapse Fantasy
Exhibition Statement
Relapse Fantasy
I am an artist in recovery.
Relapse Fantasy explores the mental echoes that linger even when behavior changes. Addiction is not only about substances. It is about ritual, memory, identity, and the narrowing of attention toward one perceived solution.
Recovery does not erase desire. It changes how I respond to it.
These images sit in the space between thought and action. The moment when the mind romanticizes. When memory resurfaces. When craving feels seductive but has not yet become behavior.
Just This Once captures how addiction often presents itself as small, manageable, harmless. This Fits in My Hand considers scale: how something physically small can carry disproportionate psychological weight. I Am the Drug blurs the boundary between self and substance, acknowledging how intimacy and identity can become entangled with craving. Tunnel Vision reflects the “narrowing of the mind” that precedes compulsion.
Relapse does not begin with using. It begins in imagination.
For me, making this work is an act of interruption. Instead of suppressing the thought, I externalize it. Instead of acting, I create.
This series is not about glamorizing addiction. It is about staying honest in recovery.
If this work resonates with your own experience, I encourage you to seek support. You do not have to navigate it alone. If you are struggling with addiction, support is available at 988 (https://988lifeline.org/) or local recovery services (Indianapolis resources).
Keep tellin’ the story,
Professor Peacock
Note: These are my thoughts and my story. I used AI to make helpful edits to my ramblings and online journaling, including some organization to be more blog-friendly. Images are photographed and manipulated by me.
The Magical Storybook of Professor Peacock 